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A Father's Legacy: Reflecting on the Narrative of Losing My Dad

Table of contents, introduction, a guiding light and endless love, the unfathomable farewell, navigating the rapids of grief, a continuation of love.

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The Death of My Father, Essay Example

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Two years ago, just a few weeks before Christmas, my roommate, who was clearly upset, sat me down on the couch in our living room and broke the news to me that my father had died earlier that afternoon.

My father had been ill for a long time. He had a long history of cardiac disease which was exacerbated by the fact that he was a chronic smoker, was overweight, and did not much care either or exercise or for healthy food (something which, I am sorry to say, I seem to have inherited from him!). I knew he was in the hospital in New York, where his second wife was taking care of him as he prepared to have cardiac surgery to try to repair the damage that a lifetime’s worth of misuse had done to his heart. He never made it through the surgery, dying right there on the operating table in spite of the surgical team’s attempts to save his life.

When my roommate first told me the news, I remember almost having difficulty putting the words together in that simple sentence to give it meaning. “Your father is dead” is not a difficult sentence to say, but it takes a while to wrap your head around it. And then the sharpest pain hit me as the words drove home and I remember bursting into tears and crying on my into a pillow for a long time. I remember being offered a glass of wine to calm my nerves down – it was a blood-red Cabernet Sauvignon – and it tasted bitter and sweet and lovely all at once. I remember calling my brother – he was half-way across the country, going to graduate school in Michigan, and I hadn’t seen him for a while since we had both been so busy with school – and I remember him saying “This sucks”, which summed up the situation pretty nicely. I remember we cried together, and I drank more wine, and a sick and sour sort of feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. I also remember I went to bed and slept really heavily that night.

It was financially impossible for me to get to the funeral on such short notice, and my father had decided to be cremated and to forego any kind of memorial service, so there wouldn’t have been anything to attend even if I had been able to go. But I took the next couple of days off and I remember, those first few days, feeling very tender, as though I had been sunburned and the skin had just peeled off. I slept a lot those first few days, and ate very little, and took several walks out in the woods on my own.

My father and I had been estranged for a long time. He had been abusive and I was glad when he and my mother divorced and he was finally out of my life. I did not have any contact with him for a long time after the marriage broke up. But in the last few years of his life, we had started emailing back and forth and even had had a few phone calls. He was planning to visit me next fall for vacation, only he died before we got to see each other again.

That has been two years ago now. I do not feel raw like I did when I first got the news, but it is not something I like to think about, either. I do, though, have all the emails from the last few years that we sent back and forth to each other and I have a box of photographs that my mother sent me of the two of us when I was just a kid, before things went sour. Eventually, I will be brave enough to read through those emails and look through those pictures. But it is something that I know I am not ready for yet. In a way, though, I think part of me is almost looking forward to it, as I feel like it will cauterize a wound that has never quite closed up for me. And I know that his death has given me a lot more sympathy for other people who are grieving, since I know now that it can take so many forms – some pretty conventional, some wildly inappropriate – and that even though you feel you have “gotten over it” with the passage of time, you know that it is always somewhere just below the surface of your skin.

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Home — Essay Samples — Life — Grief — Navigating Grief: A Narrative Essay About Losing A Father

Navigating Grief: a Narrative Essay About Losing a Father

Categories: Grief

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Published: Jun 13, 2024

Words: 691 | Pages: 2 | 4 min read

Introduction, body paragraph.

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"My Father's Passing"

University of Michigan

2. The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

250 - 650 words

Why This Essay Works:

Navigates Tragedy Gracefully : Writing about a tragedy like a loss of a parent is a tricky topic for college essays. Many students feel obligated to choose that topic if it applies to them, but it can be challenging to not come across as trying to garner sympathy ("sob story"). This student does a graceful job of focusing on positive elements from their father's legacy, particularly the inspiration they draw from him.
Compelling Motivations : This student does a great job of connecting their educational and career aspirations to their background. Admissions officers want to understand why you're pursing what you are, and by explaining the origin of your interests, you can have compelling and genuine reasons why.

What They Might Change:

Write Only From Your Perspective : In this essay, the student writes from their hypothetical perspective as an infant. This doesn't quite work because they likely wouldn't remember these moments ("I have no conscious memories of him"), but still writes as though they do. By writing about things you haven't seen or experienced yourself, it can come across as "made up" or inauthentic.

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The Person I Became After My Father’s Death

A fter my father dies, I become, for a time, someone I do not recognize. Entire weeks are all but lost to me, scooped out of my once airtight memory. Our rental term ends two months after the funeral, and when we move into another house, I hardly remember packing or unpacking.

I don’t know how to ask for leave from my job. I tell myself that I can’t afford to take unpaid time off anyway. The truth is that I have always been able to work, and now I learn that grief is no hindrance to my productivity. I bank on this, even feel a kind of twisted pride in it. It doesn’t matter to me whether I take care of myself, because I do not deserve the care. All my parents wanted was to spend more time with us, to see us more than once a year or every other year, and I never found a way to make it happen, and now my father is dead. When other people—my husband, my friends—try to tell me that I am not at fault, I barely hear them. Punishing myself, keeping myself in as much pain as possible, seems like something a good daughter should do if it is too late for her to do anything else.

There is a flurry of activity in the run-up to the publication of my first book . My publisher sends me to conferences, schedules readings and interviews. I am grateful, and frankly surprised, to be getting any attention at all, and so of course I tell everyone that I am more than ready to do my part, to help the book succeed. I know how important it is to my career, and I feel enormous pressure not to let down any of the people who are working so hard on it. I want it to have a fighting chance, too, because it is a book in which my father still lives.

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When I stop working, it’s not to rest but to head to a soccer game or swimming lesson, or plan a Girl Scout meeting, or chaperone a school field trip. I treat myself like a machine, which makes it easy for the people I work and volunteer with to see and treat me that way too. “It’s been hard,” I say with a shrug, when asked how I’m doing, “but I’m hanging in there.” One day, my older child calls me out on my usual choice of words.

“How come you always tell people that you’re ‘hanging in there’?” she asks.

Well, I think, a bit defensively, because I am. Am I not still doing what needs to be done: getting up every morning and going to work, taking care of my family, saying yes to anything anyone asks me to do? I haven’t dropped a single ball at work. My publishing team has thanked me for my promptness in replying to their emails, for being so great to work with. I am an expert at grieving under capitalism. Watch and learn.

All the while, I keep daydreaming about walking into traffic.

From the moment the thought pushes its way into my grief-muddled brain, I know that I could never act on it. It’s not that I want to hurt myself—it’s that I cannot seem to work up any remorse when I think about no longer being alive. Nor does the thought frighten me, as it always did before. What if you didn’t have to feel this way anymore? my mind proposes, in moments that are deceptively calm, moments when I am not sobbing in the shower or screaming in my car because I cannot scream at home. What if the pain could just end?

As a child, I knew that I was not permitted to indulge in the hyperbolic or sarcastic statements other kids made about wanting to die, because my father would erupt. Toward the end of sixth grade, my teacher had everyone in my class write a fake will; my most charitable reading is that the exercise might have been intended to help us identify the things that were most important to us as we moved from elementary into middle school, symbolically leaving our childhoods behind. Most of my classmates made light of the task— I hereby bequeath my Game Boy to my little brother, because he always steals it anyway —but I remember little of what I wrote in my will, only my father’s fury over the assignment. “You’re 12 years old!” he yelled. He threatened to call my teacher. And then all the fight went out of him, his voice numb as he told me about being 21 years old and witnessing the death of his favorite cousin. The two of them had shared an apartment in a Cleveland high-rise, and one night my father came home to find him about to jump from their window. He pleaded with him, tried to stop him, but his cousin leaped before he could reach him. Dad had always blamed himself.

Read More: Grief Is Universal. That Doesn’t Make It Less Isolating

It takes me months, after his death, to realize that I am not fine, or hanging in there. I go to see my doctor for a long-overdue physical and break down in the exam room, sobbing as she hands me one flimsy tissue after another. I leave with a referral to a counseling practice, but manage to find one closer to my house, close enough to walk, because I know I’ll come up with a million reasons to reschedule or cancel otherwise.

During one early session, my therapist, the first Asian American therapist I’ve ever worked with, asks me if I know what has kept me from harming myself as I flounder in grief. I don’t even have to think about the answer. “My family,” I say. My children, who have no idea how dark my thoughts have become. My husband, who keeps our household afloat on days when I cannot manage anything beyond the workday. My sister, who faithfully checks on me every week. My mother, whom I text and call so often it probably annoys her. “The people I love still need me.”

“And you still need them,” she says. “You don’t want to leave them.”

I feel the truth of these words in my bones, try to keep them close.

Slowly, I find my footing again. When I catch myself faltering, fumbling in the dark for a thread to follow back to the person I was before, the thing that often keeps me from despair is talking with my mother. Sometimes I wish that she would voice some concrete need, ask me to do something for her, but she seems to be taking care of herself—it occurs to me that this might be easier than taking care of both herself and Dad, as much as she misses him. I can sense her sorrow and restlessness, always, but there is a driving, don’t-quit vitality about her, even in mourning.

One day, she tells me she has decided to get rid of Dad’s lift chair, and one of their old end tables. I never liked that table, Dad did. I am learning that I can make decisions based on what I want—that if I don’t like something, I can just make a change. Another day, we discuss whether she might get a dog; it has been a long time since she had one in the house. She sheepishly tells me she used some of the money I gave her to buy new miniblinds. “That’s perfect!” I say. I don’t care how she spends it, as long as it’s useful.

Read More: How I Found My Desire to Live After My Wife Died

It’s hard for either of us to imagine her remarrying. But as she begins to plan the next stage of her life without my father, I realize that I can picture her living out her own days in peace—and, more important, it seems she can as well. My heart lifts when she tells me that she is planning a trip to Greece with two of her friends from church, intending to use what’s left of my father’s life-insurance payout to make her first-ever trip outside the country. They will visit monasteries and holy sites, see the sights, and swim in the sea; the trip is to be part pilgrimage, part escape.

After that adventure, I think, I will help her consider what she wants her new life to look like. I can be her sounding board, if nothing else. I know her ties to Oregon are strong after four decades there, but maybe someday she’ll decide that she wants to move closer to us on the East Coast. Or maybe we will relocate to the Northwest and provide more support to her once our kids are done with school. There’s no need to figure everything out now, I tell myself. Dad has been gone only a matter of months. We have time. Mom has time.

I feel certain she has never doubted, for a second, that living is worth it.

Chung is a TIME contributor and the author of A Living Remedy , from which this essay was adapted

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What Grieving the Loss of My Father Has Taught Me

I’d like to start off by mentioning that everything I write is unique to my own experience with grief. I am in no way saying this is the right way, or the only way, to cope with loss. None of the points I’m making came from any book (though I have been — trying to — read one), or counselor, or generic list of “the five or eight or 10 or 12 stages of grief.” No. In fact, my point is the exact opposite.

Grief is different. It’s messy. It’s unlike any other feeling or experience. It can’t so easily be broken down like other emotions. This is simply my experience. What I’ve learned, how I came to certain realizations, and the people who both helped and hindered my growth through the process. This is where I am, and what I know, well over a year after losing my dad.

1. Everyone’s initial reaction to grief is different. This should be obvious, and it is, until you find yourself wondering if you’re doing it right. I want to make it clear: there is no “right” or “wrong” way to react. This past year I have known eight, possibly even more, people who lost a parent in 2016. I have seen glimpses of all of them deal with it. One woman I knew lived here in my town, but her entire family lives in Japan. She knew of her father’s death the day it happened, but she did not speak of it until over three months later. Instead of people, she turned to her religion to help her through. Only then did she mention it to friends here. And even when she did, she kept it brief, positive and upbeat. As if describing a favorite movie or a poem that evoked a deep passion and love inside of her. That was her way. She has since passed away as well, and I miss her and her uplifting spirit dearly.

Another friend of mine lost his father. He said he didn’t cry at all for the first four days, and even then, it was brief. That was his way.

As for myself, I kept pushing myself to do what I had to do to make it through life. I felt I had responsibilities, things that needed to be done. The world did not stop spinning simply because my heart had fallen apart. I pushed and pushed and pushed. Maybe too hard. I kept going to all of my six classes. I missed a little work but refused my bosses’ offer for a leave of absence. I avoided the feelings because I didn’t know how to handle them. This lasted for months (and blew up in my face in the end). But that was my way. Some people have periods of trouble functioning or finding purpose or meaning in the world after losing someone they love. We all react differently, and none of us are wrong — we just react differently.

2. There will be triggers. For those unfamiliar with the term, a trigger is anything that evokes a certain memory or emotion in you that upsets you. This can be anything from seeing the person’s personal belongings, hearing a song, passing a car that is the same make and model as theirs, eating something that was once their favorite food, or even seeing someone on the street who looks like them. Some of these triggers are unpredictable and unavoidable. The other day, two of my coworkers were having a conversation and one of them said the words “January 26th.” In that moment, I completely froze. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t speak. I felt as if I couldn’t even breathe. I stood there, staring at the ground for two straight minutes. Thankfully, no one had noticed, and I took a deep breath and continued working, even though I felt as if someone had dropped a cinder block on my chest. It is a date I may never be able to hear without falling apart.

Triggers can be both destructive and therapeutic, depending on your state of mind at the time they occur. At times when you are already vulnerable, it is best to avoid these things if you can. I know I can’t pass the Motel 6 on Maple Road without crying (and bawling your eyes out while driving is usually not the safest idea), so I avoid going that way. And I know I can probably never enter that Spot Coffee again. So I won’t. Because it hurts too much. And that’s OK.

Other times, you may purposely look to certain triggers for comfort. When you want to remember the person, you may listen to a song that reminds you of them. I have an entire playlist that reminds me of my dad. I play it when I’m driving late at night alone. It brings up the anger I still feel towards him. The sadness. The happiness. And the pain. It allows me to feel everything I hold inside.

Maybe their memory makes you smile. Or maybe you want to cry about it. If that’s what you need in that moment, that’s OK. And that brings me to my next point.

3. It’s OK to cry about it.

4. It’s just as OK not to cry about it. Everyone copes differently. What’s important is not to judge yourself. Don’t allow yourself to feel shame for your reaction or lack of reaction to someone’s death. Everyone has their own way. It’s OK to cry. And scream. And curse the world, and the universe, or a higher power for taking away the person you love. It’s OK to feel whatever it is you feel. Feel sad. Feel lost. Feel a little bit broken. Feel f*cking angry if you have to. But try not to project those feelings on others around you. You are not angry with them; you’re angry at the situation.

5. There is no timeline for grief. By this, I mean a few things. First, when someone close to you dies, there are a lot of things that need to be done. Funeral planning, memorial services, and for close family and friends, gathering and distributing of the person’s belongings. Looking back on old memories can bring up a whole range of emotions, and I want you to know it’s OK to wait until you’re ready to go through these things.

After my father’s memorial, a few friends of his offered to talk with me about him. To tell me stories, reminisce and give me answers to the questions I’ve always had about him. It took me 10 months to accept their offer. I wasn’t ready to hear those stories, to learn any more than I already knew.

On my old Facebook account, I have hundreds of messages back and forth between us from when I was 16. It has been a year and eight months since I lost my dad, but I’m still not ready to read those messages. I’m not ready to read the words he wrote to me. I’m not ready to hear his voice in my head again. I’m not prepared to see his wild sense of humor and laugh, and then cry and beg the universe to just bring him back to me so I can read his words again. So I can hear his thoughts. And ask him questions.

I’m not ready. And that’s OK. Because one day, like with every other step I’ve taken in this grieving process, I will be.

Another thing I mean by “ there is no timeline for grief ” is that sometimes, people on the outside will have unrealistic expectations for your recovery from this grief. People like coworkers, friends, teachers, acquaintances, and even family that may cope differently than you. Sometimes, others may assume, suggest, or even outright say that grief should last a certain amount of time. They may say, even in the nicest way possible, that you should be over it by now. I’ve found that many people think grief should last a year, or six months, or some other ridiculous amount of time. I believe that is complete bullsh*t. How can you tell someone, especially someone who loved a person their entire lifetime, to get over it in a year?

Try to understand, maybe these people are trying to help you. But it’s possible their life experiences have not given them the skills they need to be supportive in the way you’d like them to be. I believe it’s OK to tell them you appreciate their concern, but their comment felt insensitive. And you would appreciate if they wouldn’t bring it up again.

Related to this…

6. Don’t let others tell you the way you feel is wrong. (And try not to be upset if they misunderstand the situation entirely.) What I mean by this is sometimes, people will say things that, unintentionally on their part, hurt you deeply. A woman I know once said to me, “Oh, well you didn’t really know your father, so I guess it wasn’t really that great of a loss.” While in fact, the situation is much more complicated than this. It was the most painful loss I have ever endured in my life. And possibly the reason for the greatest amount of change in my life.

People will say things like this in many situations. Like when a friend you haven’t seen in years, or rarely hang out with, passes away. They assume it isn’t that big of a deal or will be simple to get over when that is rarely the case. Remember, they don’t know your relationship with your loved one, how emotions affect you personally, or other factors that may go into the specific situation at hand.

Try to gauge their intentions. In my situation, the woman was kind. She was trying to be lighthearted and didn’t understand that what she said could be taken offensively. So I didn’t react. I understood her intention. If, however, they are being cruel or insensitive, it is OK to end the conversation and keep your distance from this person. At least during times you are feeling the most vulnerable.

7. You should find a healthy outlet. When I picture my dad in any circumstance, he is smoking a cigarette. Therefore, when I start to think about him, I too, light up a cigarette. And if it’s one of those long nights spent in my car listening to that gloomy old playlist, I am chain-smoking cigarettes. In fact, the majority of those trips land me right at the Rez. Where I’m 20 bucks shorter and ready to go home. When I get there, I’ll probably spend another hour in my car, leaned back in my seat trying to figure out the impossible.

Now this is by no means a healthy coping mechanism. In fact, it’s obviously the complete opposite. I’d like to stop doing this, but I’m not at a place where I’m ready. I will be, someday. But in the meantime, I’ll try to add more positive coping mechanisms to my life.

Learning a hobby is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Especially if that hobby reminds you of happier times spent with the person. If they were a musician, pick up a guitar. Think of them as you play. Write a song for them. Or for yourself. I didn’t know my dad’s hobbies, or really, much of anything about him at all. But I know he wrote poetry, once. Maybe I’ll write a poem for him someday. I don’t know if that poem will come from a place of anger or love. But I know it will help me cope with whatever it is I’m feeling in that moment. One day I’ll read the books that were his and learn what he learned from them. Try to feel what he felt.

Find something that makes you feel something, but mostly importantly, brings you joy as you learn and you grow, and become capable of a new skill.

8. Find ways to express yourself. On one of those tear-filled nights in my car, I had smoked one too many cigarettes. I began to feel sick, and restless. I suddenly felt the need to write it all down. Everything I was feeling. Everything I was thinking. But as soon as I sat down to try, I couldn’t get the words out. I was trembling. It had been a total of less than five minutes and I already wanted to smoke again. So I went back to my car, took a deep breath and pressed record. The recording was an hour and 14 minutes long. I sat there, and I told the five-day-long story of losing my dad. How it felt, what I did. What everyone said. Hour by hour. Day by day, I went through the whole thing and just allowed myself to feel every part of it. It was five months after I had lost him. My memory is poor, and I remember saying on the recording, “I just never want to forget this.”

Whether you ramble in a diary or on a blog, write a song, or a poem, tell a friend, or tell yourself, if you need to talk about it, let it out. And if you’re not ready, let it be.

None of this is to tell you not to seek help. There are many incredible resources out there. From counseling, to books, to simply talking with other human beings. If that 12-step process to handling grief will help you, so be it. If you religion heals you, let it. If writing, or singing, or screaming help you, do it. These are simply my thoughts, and my way. On your journey, you will find your own way. I just hope maybe this helps you feel a little less alone. A little less like maybe you’re doing it wrong. I wrote this because for a long time, I felt like maybe I didn’t know how to properly grieve. I know now there is no wrong way to grieve. We are all different. And we will all find our own ways to deal with this pain. I hope you find yours.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 o r text “HOME” to 741-741 . Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Follow this journey on the author’s blog .

Thinkstock image by danr13

I write about coping with mental health.

My Dad Died: Five Tools to Navigate Grief

Grief is not a choice, but you do have a choice in how you manage it..

Posted June 15, 2024 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Understanding Grief
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The loss of a father can be an intricate web that needs time, patience, and kindness to fully explore.
Father’s Day is a bittersweet occasion when your father has died.
Take the time to identify and honor the emotions you feel during this time.

Father’s Day is a bittersweet occasion when your father has died. A holiday dedicated to celebrating paternal love and appreciation serves as a poignant reminder of the absence and grief of their father figure. The day celebrated by so many offers a depth of complexities when grief foreshadows the holiday slated to honor The Dad. The ache of loss is hard to navigate on Father's Day .

This is a reflective journey and one you choose to embark on. If you decide to join festivities with others as they celebrate the day, make sure to have an escape Plan B and escape Plan C. Plan B, for example, is a time-limited visit. Plan C, for example, is taking a walk or calling a friend, should feelings of overwhelming grief take over. The path of grief is unpredictable. It's a time when memories flood in, and the absence of a loved one is deeply felt.

Five steps to help navigate the potency of grief, especially during Father’s Day:

1. Recognize the loss . Talk about it with loved ones or friends around you. When you ignore the presence of the loss, the feelings around it can intensify.

2. Identify and honor the emotions you feel during this time. Others around you may believe you are deeply saddened by the loss of your dad, however, you might feel anger , remorse, or guilt . If you write down any of your feelings, this tool allows you to engage in an emotional release. Tell yourself that all emotions are allowed to be felt.

3. Time to heal. Time to feel. Time to be with the self. Grief is not a choice. You do have a choice in how you manage it. Healing does not mean forgetting. Healing does not mean it all goes away. It is a way to integrate the loss into your daily life.

4. Create space to be curious about how it has changed something within you or your relationships with loved ones and friends. The loss of a father can affect other family members.

5. Remember grief is not linear. It moves in its way and doesn’t follow one experiential or emotional path. People don’t want to feel their grief, and yet, when you give yourself the gift of being with it and are curious about how it affects you, it is something you can learn to integrate. You don’t get over it, you will learn to dance with it.

The response to the loss of a father is like an intricate web of emotions harbored in your mind, body, and soul, and each aspect of where the pain lands needs time to adjust to what is a new normal. Consider how to enhance your patience and kindness within the self to explore and understand the impact of this loss. No one experiences loss in the same way. For some people who are mourning the loss of their dad, the loss of the relationship may translate into the loss of a chance to repair something that was broken, the loss of your confidante, or the loss of the family system that depended on his presence. These are only a few ways the dynamics of the loss present themselves.

Father's Day can evoke a myriad of emotions for those who have lost their fathers. Grief is a natural part of the human experience. Ranging from nostalgia to profound sadness , through acknowledgment and compassion healing can take root. Honor their legacies to find solace in the love that continues to endure.

Father Loss: Daughters Discuss Life, Love, and Why Losing a Dad Means So Much by Elyce Wakerman YUCCA Publisher 1631580655 November 3, 2015

Dear Dad, I Keep Thinking About...: A Grief Journal Healing and Prompts For Finding Your Light After Loss Your Father (Therapeutic Writing: Open Letter For The Bereaved) S.H Bando Press June 29, 2020 979-8658862606

The “how” and “when” of parental loss in adulthood: Effects on grief and adjustment by Hayslip Jr, Bert, Jessica H. Pruett, and Daniela M. Caballero. OMEGA-journal of Death and Dying 71.1 (2015): 3-18.

Edy Nathan, MA, LCSWR, is a therapist and the author of It’s Grief: The Dance of Self-Discovery Through Trauma and Loss.

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5 moving, beautiful essays about death and dying

by Sarah Kliff

It is never easy to contemplate the end-of-life, whether its own our experience or that of a loved one.

This has made a recent swath of beautiful essays a surprise. In different publications over the past few weeks, I’ve stumbled upon writers who were contemplating final days. These are, no doubt, hard stories to read. I had to take breaks as I read about Paul Kalanithi’s experience facing metastatic lung cancer while parenting a toddler, and was devastated as I followed Liz Lopatto’s contemplations on how to give her ailing cat the best death possible. But I also learned so much from reading these essays, too, about what it means to have a good death versus a difficult end from those forced to grapple with the issue. These are four stories that have stood out to me recently, alongside one essay from a few years ago that sticks with me today.

My Own Life | Oliver Sacks

As recently as last month, popular author and neurologist Oliver Sacks was in great health, even swimming a mile every day. Then, everything changed: the 81-year-old was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. In a beautiful op-ed , published in late February in the New York Times, he describes his state of mind and how he’ll face his final moments. What I liked about this essay is how Sacks describes how his world view shifts as he sees his time on earth getting shorter, and how he thinks about the value of his time.

Before I go | Paul Kalanithi

Kalanthi began noticing symptoms — “weight loss, fevers, night sweats, unremitting back pain, cough” — during his sixth year of residency as a neurologist at Stanford. A CT scan revealed metastatic lung cancer. Kalanthi writes about his daughter, Cady and how he “probably won’t live long enough for her to have a memory of me.” Much of his essay focuses on an interesting discussion of time, how it’s become a double-edged sword. Each day, he sees his daughter grow older, a joy. But every day is also one that brings him closer to his likely death from cancer.

As I lay dying | Laurie Becklund

Becklund’s essay was published posthumonously after her death on February 8 of this year. One of the unique issues she grapples with is how to discuss her terminal diagnosis with others and the challenge of not becoming defined by a disease. “Who would ever sign another book contract with a dying woman?” she writes. “Or remember Laurie Becklund, valedictorian, Fulbright scholar, former Times staff writer who exposed the Salvadoran death squads and helped The Times win a Pulitzer Prize for coverage of the 1992 L.A. riots? More important, and more honest, who would ever again look at me just as Laurie?”

Everything I know about a good death I learned from my cat | Liz Lopatto

Dorothy Parker was Lopatto’s cat, a stray adopted from a local vet. And Dorothy Parker, known mostly as Dottie, died peacefully when she passed away earlier this month. Lopatto’s essay is, in part, about what she learned about end-of-life care for humans from her cat. But perhaps more than that, it’s also about the limitations of how much her experience caring for a pet can transfer to caring for another person.

Yes, Lopatto’s essay is about a cat rather than a human being. No, it does not make it any easier to read. She describes in searing detail about the experience of caring for another being at the end of life. “Dottie used to weigh almost 20 pounds; she now weighs six,” Lopatto writes. “My vet is right about Dottie being close to death, that it’s probably a matter of weeks rather than months.”

Letting Go | Atul Gawande

“Letting Go” is a beautiful, difficult true story of death. You know from the very first sentence — “Sara Thomas Monopoli was pregnant with her first child when her doctors learned that she was going to die” — that it is going to be tragic. This story has long been one of my favorite pieces of health care journalism because it grapples so starkly with the difficult realities of end-of-life care.

In the story, Monopoli is diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, a surprise for a non-smoking young woman. It’s a devastating death sentence: doctors know that lung cancer that advanced is terminal. Gawande knew this too — Monpoli was his patient. But actually discussing this fact with a young patient with a newborn baby seemed impossible.

"Having any sort of discussion where you begin to say, 'look you probably only have a few months to live. How do we make the best of that time without giving up on the options that you have?' That was a conversation I wasn't ready to have," Gawande recounts of the case in a new Frontline documentary .

What’s tragic about Monopoli’s case was, of course, her death at an early age, in her 30s. But the tragedy that Gawande hones in on — the type of tragedy we talk about much less — is how terribly Monopoli’s last days played out.

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Grief and Trauma

“I Miss My Dad” – Coping with the Grief of Losing a Father

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Table of Contents

The loss of a father can be an intense and life-altering experience. Grief is a very personal journey, looking different from person to person.

Although there is no one-size-fits-all solution for coping with the grief following the death of a father, there are some tools and skills that may be helpful to anyone navigating the path from grief to healing.

Understanding grief when losing a father

Grief is a natural response to a loss. Grief is often experienced as psychological distress, confusion, yearning, and a focus on the past.

While grief is never easy, the grief associated with the loss of a parent can be particularly devastating. Understanding grief and its various stages can provide a framework for individuals to make sense of their emotions and begin the healing process.

In 1969, Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced a theory that there are five stages of grief in her book, “ On Death and Dying. ”

Kubler-Ross identified the five stages as:

This is often the first reaction following the loss of one’s father. Denial is a sort of protective factor or defense mechanism that comes to cope with the shock of the news.

When someone dies, it is sometimes very hard to believe. It can feel surreal, almost like a bad dream.

As the reality of the loss sets in, many people may experience anger. This anger might be directed in various ways, perhaps towards medical professionals, family members, or even the father who has passed.

3. Bargaining

This stage involves attempting to negotiate with a higher power to reverse the loss. Individuals often find themselves praying or making promises in the hope of bringing the person who has died back.

4. Depression

As you come to terms with the loss, sadness and depression may become overwhelming. It’s crucial to differentiate between normal grief-related sadness and clinical depression .

Seeking professional help is essential if you experience severe and persistent depression. – Jenna Jarrold, M.S., Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) Click to post

5. Acceptance

In the acceptance stage, individuals start to accept the reality of the loss and adjust to a life without their father. It does not mean the pain is gone, but it signifies a level of peace or understanding.

It is critical to note that not everyone experiences these stages in the same order, or for the same amount of time. And while some may go through each of the five stages, others only experience one or two.

Grief is a unique journey for everyone, and there’s no “right” way to grieve.

How to cope with loss of father

Losing a father is an incredibly challenging experience that brings a profound sense of loss and grief. It’s a journey that many find difficult to navigate, filled with emotions that can feel overwhelming.

These coping strategies will offer guidance and support for those who are grappling with this significant loss.

Honoring memories

One of the first steps in coping with the grief of losing a father is to honor and celebrate his memory. Memories of your father can provide comfort and a sense of connection even after he’s gone.

Here are some ways to honor his memory:

Create a scrapbook or memory book – to capture the essence of one’s lost father, many scrapbooks include items such as photos, mementos, and/or any reminders of that person.
Write a “Dear Dad” letter – following losing a dad, writing a letter in which one expresses their feelings, cherished memories, or even things that had been left unsaid can be extremely cathartic.
Hold a memorial service – for individuals who have lost their father, holding a memorial service can be a crucial part of the grieving process. Memorial services are not necessarily based on religion (although they can be) and are meant to assist those whose loved one has passed in preserving that person’s memory. Some describe a memorial service as a celebration of life, where friends and family share thoughts, stories, and memories of the deceased. [1] What is a Memorial Service? | Memorial Service vs Funeral . (n.d.). https://www.connerandkoch.com/what-is-a-memorial-service
Start a tradition or ritual in the father’s honor , such as visiting a special place or participating in his favorite hobby. Some may choose to do this throughout the year on a sporadic basis, while others may pick a specific date, such as the death anniversary .

Building a support network

Grieving is a process that is best navigated with the support of others. Reach out to friends and family members who can provide emotional support and understanding during this difficult time.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it , and consider joining a support group for people who have experienced a similar loss. Talking to others who have gone through a similar experience can be incredibly comforting and can provide a sense of community.

Focusing on self-care

Grief can take a toll on your physical health, as it is often accompanied by stress and emotional upheaval. Taking care of your physical well-being is an important part of coping with the grief of losing a father:

Eat a balanced diet: Nourishing your body with a healthy diet can help you cope with the physical and emotional stress of grief.
Get regular exercise: Physical activity can help reduce stress and improve your mood. Even a short walk each day can make a difference.
Get enough sleep: Grief can disrupt your sleep patterns, so it’s important to establish a bedtime routine and create a calming sleep environment.
Avoid excessive alcohol or drug use: Substance abuse can temporarily numb the pain of grief but can ultimately worsen your emotional state.
70 Self-Care Activities for Every Aspect of Your Well-Being

Seeking professional help

Some experience grief as overwhelming and debilitating, while others may find it simply interferes with day-to-day life. Regardless of the intensity of one’s individual grief experience, seeking professional help can be a great source of support.

Working with a mental health professional who specializes in grief can aid in learning the tools and skills needed to navigate grief’s complex emotions following the loss of a father. – Jenna Jarrold, M.S., Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) Click to post

Additionally, grief counseling can provide a safe space to process memories and reflect on one’s own thoughts or beliefs around death and dying.

Most mental health professionals offer both in-person and online therapy options, making grief counseling more accessible to people.

Embracing emotions

Losing a dad can be an overwhelming experience wrought with intense emotions.

Understandably, many people attempt to avoid these emotions . Some seek emotional avoidance or “numbing out” using drugs and/or alcohol, while others may shut down, isolate, or distract by keeping themselves extremely busy. [2] Does drinking alcohol help numb grief or sends us down a slippery slope? | NACADA -National Authority for the Campaign Against Alcohol and Drug Abuse . (n.d.). https://nacada.go.ke/does-drinking-alcohol-help-numb-grief

Unfortunately, these tactics do not actually work, and, in most cases, only delay the grief experience.

Embracing your emotions and allowing yourself to grieve is an important part of healing. It’s okay to feel a wide range of emotions, from sadness and anger to guilt and even relief, depending on your relationship with your father. – Jenna Jarrold, M.S., Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) Click to post

Give yourself permission to experience and express these feelings without judgment.

Setting realistic expectations

Grief does not follow a particular timeline or a linear path. This means there should not be any set expectations of the process – no set expectations of how one should feel, how one should act, or how one should experience grief overall.

The only expectation is to be gentle and kind to oneself and to cultivate patience with the process of grieving a father.

Establish a new routine

Losing a father can really shake up a person’s life and daily routines, often leaving a person feeling a bit lost or adrift. Although it may take some time to regain a sense of stability, re-establishing routines (or establishing new routines) may be central to the healing journey.

This might include setting goals, maintaining a daily schedule, and engaging in hobbies and self-care. [3] Altru Health System. (2019, August 2). Altru Health System . https://www.altru.org/20-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-while-grieving/

Find meaning in your loss

As one moves forward following a father’s death, it may be helpful to consider finding meaning in your loss. Just as grief looks different for everyone, so does finding meaning in the loss.

For some, finding meaning involves channeling the grief into something positive, such as volunteering, advocating for a cause, or starting a project in the lost father’s memory.

For others, it may be doing inner work and reflecting on the purpose one can find in their own life.

And for others, it might be a newfound awareness of the personal strength it has taken to move through the grief.

Finding purpose and meaning can be a powerful way to honor your father’s legacy and find solace in your grief.

Create a supportive environment

Surrounding yourself with a supportive environment can make a significant difference in coping with the grief of losing a father. This includes seeking out people who understand the grief (or can relate to the loss of a father) and are empathetic.

Supportive environments can also be in one’s surroundings, such as creating a space that feels comforting, safe, and/or soothing.

Coping with the grief of losing a father is a deeply personal journey. For some, the journey is easier to navigate than for others.

Although there is no “quick fix” for the pain that often follows such a loss, understanding the possible stages of grief, seeking support, practicing self-care, and allowing oneself the time and space to grieve are essential in finding solace and healing.

And remember, grief is not a sign of weakness but a testament to the love and connection one shared with a father. – Jenna Jarrold, M.S., Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) Click to post

A word from Calmerry

At Calmerry, we understand how challenging and unique each person’s grief can be. That’s why we offer specialized online therapy and counseling services, dedicated to supporting you through this difficult period.

Our compassionate mental health professionals specialize in grief counseling and are equipped with the understanding and tools to help you navigate your feelings and memories.

Whether you need a space to share your thoughts, seek validation, or simply find a listening ear, our team is here to provide the support and guidance you need, at your own pace and in the comfort of your own space.

Start with a brief survey – and get matched with your professional within 1 hour.

What is a Memorial Service? | Memorial Service vs Funeral . (n.d.). https://www.connerandkoch.com/what-is-a-memorial-service

Does drinking alcohol help numb grief or sends us down a slippery slope? | NACADA -National Authority for the Campaign Against Alcohol and Drug Abuse . (n.d.). https://nacada.go.ke/does-drinking-alcohol-help-numb-grief

Altru Health System. (2019, August 2). Altru Health System . https://www.altru.org/20-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-while-grieving/

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Dear Therapist Writes to Herself in Her Grief

My father died, there’s a pandemic, and I’m overcome by my feeling of loss.

Dear Therapist,

I know that everyone is going through loss during the coronavirus pandemic, but in the midst of all this, my beloved father died two weeks ago, and I’m reeling.

He was 85 years old and in great pain from complications due to congestive heart failure. After years of invasive procedures and frequent hospitalizations, he decided to go into home hospice to live out the rest of his life surrounded by family. We didn’t know whether it would be weeks or months, but we expected his death, and had prepared for it in the time leading up to it. We had the conversations we wanted to have, and the day he died, I was there to kiss his cheeks and massage his forehead, to hold his hand and say goodbye. I was at his bedside when he took his last breath.

And yet, nothing prepared me for this loss. Can you help me understand my grief?

Lori Los Angeles, Calif.

Dear Readers,

This week, I decided to submit my own “Dear Therapist” letter following my father’s death. As a therapist, I’m no stranger to grief, and I’ve written about its varied manifestations in this column many times .

Even so, I wanted to write about the grief I’m now experiencing personally, because I know this is something that affects everyone. You can’t get through life without experiencing loss. The question is, how do we live with loss?

In the months before my father died, I asked him a version of that question: How will I live without you? If this sounds strange—asking a person you love to give you tips on how to grieve his death—let me offer some context.

My dad was a phenomenal father, grandfather, husband, and loyal friend to many. He had a dry sense of humor, a hearty laugh, boundless compassion, an uncanny ability to fix anything around the house, and a deep knowledge of the world (he was my Siri before there was a Siri). Mostly, though, he was known for his emotional generosity. He cared deeply about others; when we returned to my mom’s house after his burial, we were greeted by a gigantic box of paper towels on her doorstep, ordered by my father the day before he died so that she wouldn’t have to worry about going out during the pandemic.

His greatest act of emotional generosity, though, was talking me through my grief. He said many comforting things in recent months—how I’ll carry him inside me, how my memories of him will live forever, how he believes in my resilience. A few years earlier, he had taken me aside after one of my son’s basketball games and said that he’d just been to a friend’s funeral, told the friend’s adult daughter how proud her father had been of her, and was heartbroken when she said her father had never said that to her.

“So,” my father said outside the gym, “I want to make sure that I’ve told you how proud of you I am. I want to make sure you know.” It was the first time we’d had a conversation like that, and the subtext was clear: I’m going to die sooner rather than later. We stood there, the two of us, hugging and crying as people passing by tried not to stare, because we both knew that this was the beginning of my father’s goodbye.

But of all the ways my father tried to prepare me for his loss, what has stayed with me most was when he talked about what he learned from grieving his own parents’ deaths: that grief was unavoidable, and that I would grieve this loss forever.

“I can’t make this less painful for you,” he said one night when I started crying over the idea—still so theoretical to me—of his death. “But when you feel the pain, remember that it comes from a place of having loved and been loved deeply.” Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, “Beyond that—you’re the therapist. Think about how you’ve helped other people with their grief.”

So I have. Five days before he died, I developed a cough that would wake me from sleep. I didn’t have the other symptoms of COVID-19—fever, fatigue—but still, I thought: I’d better not go near Dad . I spoke with him every day, as usual, except for Saturday, when time got away from me. I called the next day—the day when suddenly he could barely talk and all we could say was “I love you” to each other before he lost consciousness. He never said another word; our family sat vigil until he died the next afternoon.

Afterward, I was racked with guilt. While I’d told myself that I hadn’t seen him in his last days because of my cough, and that I hadn’t called Saturday because of the upheaval of getting supplies for the lockdown, maybe I wasn’t there and didn’t call because I was in denial—I couldn’t tolerate the idea of him dying, so I found a way to avoid confronting it.

Soon this became all I thought about—how I wished I’d gone over with my cough and a mask; how I wished I’d called on Saturday when he was still cogent—until I remembered something I wrote in this column to a woman who felt guilty about the way she had treated her dying husband in his last week. “One way to deal with intense grief is to focus the pain elsewhere,” I had written then. “It might be easier to distract yourself from the pain of missing your husband by turning the pain inward and beating yourself up over what you did or didn’t do for him.”

Like my father, her husband had suffered for a long time, and like her, I felt I had failed him in his final days.

I wrote to her:

Grief doesn’t begin the day a person dies. We experience the loss while the person is alive, and because our energy is focused on doctor appointments and tests and treatments—and because the person is still here—we might not be aware that we’ve already begun grieving the loss of someone we love … So what happens to their feelings of helplessness, sadness, fear, or rage? It’s not uncommon for people with a terminally ill partner to push their partner away in order to protect themselves from the pain of the loss they’re already experiencing and the bigger one they’re about to endure. They might pick fights with their partner … They might avoid their partner, and busy themselves with other interests or people. They might not be as helpful as they had imagined they would be, not only because of the exhaustion that sets in during these situations, but also because of the resentment: How dare you show me so much love, even in your suffering, and then leave me .

Another “Dear Therapist” letter came to mind this week, this one from a man grieving the loss of his wife of 47 years . He wanted to know how long this would go on. I replied:

Many people don’t know that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s well-known stages of grieving—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—were conceived in the context of terminally ill patients coming to terms with their own deaths … It’s one thing to “accept” the end of your own life. But for those who keep on living, the idea that they should reach “acceptance” might make them feel worse (“I should be past this by now”; “I don’t know why I still cry at random times, all these years later”) … The grief psychologist William Worden looks at grieving in this light, replacing “stages” with “tasks” of mourning. In the fourth of his tasks, the goal is to integrate the loss into our lives and create an ongoing connection with the person who died—while also finding a way to continue living.

Just like my father suggested, these columns helped. And so did my own therapist, the person I called Wendell in my recent book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone . He sat with me (from a coronavirus-safe distance, of course) as I tried to minimize my grief— look at all of these relatively young people dying from the coronavirus when my father got to live to 85 ; look at the all the people who weren’t lucky enough to have a father like mine —and he reminded me that I always tell others that there’s no hierarchy of pain, that pain is pain and not a contest.

And so I stopped apologizing for my pain and shared it with Wendell. I told him how, after my father died and we were waiting for his body to be taken to the mortuary, I kissed my father’s cheek, knowing that it would be the last time I would ever kiss him, and I noticed how soft and warm his cheek still was, and I tried to remember what he felt like, because I knew I would never feel my father’s skin again. I told Wendell how I stared at my father’s face and tried to memorize every detail, knowing it would be the last time I’d ever see the face I’d looked at my entire life. I told him how gutted I was by the physical markers that jolted me out of denial and made this goodbye so horribly real—seeing my father’s lifeless body being wrapped in a sheet and placed in a van ( Wait, where are you taking my dad? I silently screamed), carrying the casket to the hearse, shoveling dirt into his grave, watching the shiva candle melt for seven days until the flame was jarringly gone. Mostly, though, I cried, deep and guttural, the way my patients do when they’re in the throes of grief.

Since leaving Wendell’s office, I have cried and also laughed. I’ve felt pain and joy; I’ve felt numb and alive. I’ve lost track of the days, and found purpose in helping people through our global pandemic. I’ve hugged my son, also reeling from the loss of his grandfather, tighter than usual, and let him share his pain with me. I’ve spent some days FaceTiming with friends and family, and other days choosing not to engage.

But the thing that has helped me the most is what my father did for me and also what Wendell did for me. They couldn’t take away my pain, but they sat with me in my loss in a way that said: I see you, I hear you, I’m with you. This is exactly what we need in grief, and what we can do for one another—now more than ever.

Related Podcast

Listen to Lori Gottlieb share her advice on dealing with grief and answer listener questions on Social Distance , The Atlantic ’s new podcast about living through a pandemic:

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.

About the Author

Losing Dad: How a Man Responds to the Death of His Father

Vintage family photo father's death out of picture.

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Brian Burnham. Mr. Burnham holds a Masters of Education in Counseling from the College of William and Mary and is a Care Coordinator for Riverside Behavioral Health Center.

“His heritage to his children wasn’t words or possessions, but an unspoken treasure, the treasure of his example as a man and a father.” — Will Rogers Jr.

While growing up, our fathers, whether for good or ill, are our earliest and strongest examples of manliness. Even for those who grow up fatherless his influence is a major one, conspicuous for its absence. It is therefore only natural that the death of a man’s father is an event that holds incredible and often very painful significance. When I last wrote for the Art of Manliness, I spoke to the ways in which men grieve. It is not surprising that many of the men who responded to that article alluded to the loss of their father. While a man grieving the loss of his father will go through an experience similar to what was previously discussed, the fact that the deceased is the man’s father makes the experience unique. Many men who have lost their fathers describe it as a loss like no other. They report that the way they grieved their father was different from any other grief that they experienced and often felt that the only people who could readily understand were other men that had also lost their fathers. ((Veerman, D., & Barton, B. (2003). When Your Father Dies: How a Man Deals with the Loss of His Father. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishing.)) I know that I certainly felt this way when my father passed in February 2009. It is that uniqueness, as well as the short and long-term effects of losing a father, that I hope to address here.

In their book When Your Father Dies: How a Man Deals with the Loss of His Father , Dave Veerman and Bruce Barton interviewed sixty men from all walks of life who had lost their fathers. While each man’s story was unique, the authors identified and described the common themes that readily emerged from these accounts.

Vulnerability. When our father dies, we frequently lose much more than the person of our father. It’s often surprising to men how the world doesn’t stop at his passing. Sons are acutely aware of their father’s passing, and when the world doesn’t share that same awareness it can leave the grieving son feeling terribly alone and isolated from a world that doesn’t seem to understand. Many men experience a sense of being an orphan even if their mother is still alive because they feel so alone in the world. This sense of vulnerability is compounded by the fact that for many of us our fathers served as a kind of shield. We knew that we could count on dad for help and advice when things turned against us. With his father gone, the son may not know where he can turn in a crisis and feel vulnerable and afraid. This holds true as well for men who had a negative or non-existent relationship with their fathers. While dad may not have been a protector or provider, men still feel vulnerable and alone, often feeling that they are the only ones that can break negative cycles in their families.

Awareness of Mortality. As I noted in my last article, we live in a culture that prefers to deny and avoid the reality of death. However when a man loses his father the reality that life is finite and that he too will someday die becomes inescapable. While this realization can come anytime death touches us, it is particularly potent when we lose our fathers. This is because many men see their father as part of themselves and a small part of them has died with their dad. Not only is the inevitability of death driven home, but also its finality. The son knows that he will never (at least in this life) see his father again, and that when he too dies it will be just as final. Some may say, “So what, death is an objective fact, why should losing a particular person make this fact so much more frightening?” The problem is the illusion of control. We as men all operate under the assumption that we are in command of our own destiny, that we are in control. In many cases this is more or less accurate; however, when it comes to death, this simply isn’t true. Having our protective illusion stripped from us is terribly emasculating since no amount of self-control or problem solving can bring back the dead. This leaves the surviving son grieving not only his father, but also the new understanding he has reached.

Loss of Audience. It’s a classic American image, the son playing sports and the father coaching and cheering him on. This dynamic between father and son isn’t limited to sports but extends to many areas of a son’s life. A son will often go out of his way to please his father, and he is one of the few people that it is acceptable to truly brag to. We can proudly bring home our trophies and A+ papers to show to dad, and this dynamic extends well in to adulthood as men share their accomplishments in college, their career, and family. When our father is gone it feels, not like the audience is missing a member, but the whole audience is gone. For sons who are also fathers themselves this loss extends to not being able to share the accomplishments of their children with the proud grandfather and not being able to seek out advice for parenting. Many sons miss dad not only when they need parenting advice, but when they need their old coach in any area of life that’s giving them trouble. For a man whose father was distant or absent, this loss of audience was felt long before his father’s death as he struggled in vain to earn his father’s approval. Now at his death the loss is doubled as the son realizes he can never gain the approval he craved when his father was alive.

Taking Up the Mantle. In many ways the death of a father serves as a right of passage , though a painful and difficult one. This is due to the fact that for many sons their inheritance is less about property and more about responsibility. Many men, regardless of their age when their father died, feel like they grew up suddenly and significantly when it happened. Their father’s death leaves a vacuum in the family dynamic, and sons often feel compelled to step up to try to fill their father’s role. This is especially true if the father had been the leader and protector of the family. Sons may feel a great deal of pressure and may not feel up to the task of protecting and leading the family. If Mom is still alive, then caring for her will often be a central focus of this sense of responsibility. At best this will lead to growth for the son, and the family will pull together and become closer as it adjusts to the new dynamics. However, this is not always the case. Family members may resist the son’s efforts to take a leadership role; siblings may even compete for leadership within the family. At worst this can lead to a family disintegrating without the presence of the father that had once held them together. For men whose fathers were absent or abusive, the idea of taking up their father’s mantle is sometimes frightening. These sons have no desire to fill the same dysfunctional role as their father and feel an intense pressure to break the painful cycles that their father had embodied.

A Long Shadow. As a boy grows, he learns many lessons and skills from his father who serves as his mentor and teacher. The son also quickly learns that in these circumstances it is often better to do things his father’s way both because he has more experience and because it is often not worth the hassle of disobedience. Sons long for the approval of their fathers and live to be told “good job.” This desire for a father’s approval and dislike of disapproval extends into adulthood and men are not free of it even after their father’s death. Sons will often feel the presence of their father when they use skills that they learned from him, visit places associated with him, or use his possessions. When it comes to these possessions many men report keeping a memento or two of their father that helps them stay connected to him. For me personally, it is my father’s drafting tools and his wedding band, which serves as my own. However, sons can find it difficult to get rid of or make changes to their father’s property. They often feel like they’re trespassing and feel the sting of their father’s disapproval. They may also feel this sense of disapproval when they choose to do things in a way other than “Dad’s way.” Conversely sons will still long for their father’s approval, holding up things they do to scrutiny and asking themselves “Would dad be proud?” In this way the long shadow of our fathers affects the way we live our lives long after his passing. This is superficially similar to the “loss of audience” experience because in both experiences the grieving son longs to interact with his dad again. The experience of the long shadow differs, however, in that it is less about having someone to watch and cheer and more more about seeking approval and avoiding disapproval.

Our Father’s Legacy. As the son progresses through the grieving process, one of the tasks he will inevitably work through is sorting through the legacy his father has left him. Men will often look at the life of their fathers and that of their grandfathers and great-grandfathers to try to take stock of their heritage and to see how their father’s values and lifestyle have influenced them. Some sons will look back happily on men of character and values that they admire and hope to emulate. Other sons will look back to see a chain of flaws, faults, and abuses-a legacy they’d rather leave behind. But even these sons usually seek some positive quality in their father’s legacy that they can hold onto. For the son who is also a father, examining the legacy also comes with the realization that they too are a link in this chain, that someday they will be passing the legacy on to their own children. Many men are inspired by this to forge stronger relationships with their children so that the legacy they leave is one that their children can be proud of when it is their turn to mourn their father.

While these themes are typical of men that have lost their fathers and lend the perspective and understanding that is an important part of healing, it is extremely difficult to effectively capture the uniqueness and complexity of this experience. I personally continue to struggle to understand the loss of my father. Even as I wrote this article I would at times have to stop as memories came flooding back and all I could do was sit there at my keyboard and cry. Even as I struggle though, I know that I have gained at least one thing from mourning my father, a determination to live a life that will find me worthy to be called my father’s son. For each reader who is a son who has lost their father I would encourage you to do two things. First I would encourage you to struggle. While this may seem odd, it is in working through the turmoil of mourning that we stand to gain the most as men. Second I would encourage you to seek out the company of other men in the same position. They can provide some of the strongest support. Fortunately for us, AoM is an excellent place to seek out the support of our fellow men.

To this end I have started a Group in the AoM Community, “Remembering Dad ,” for men who have lost their fathers. It is a place to mourn, celebrate, and remember our fathers and a place for men to share experiences and draw strength from one another. I invite you to join up.

Now I would like to turn it over to the reader to share stories of their dads and their struggle so that we can together search for meaning.

When Your Father Dies: How a Man Deals with the Loss of His Father by Dave Veerman and Bruce Barton

A Manvotional painting featuring two old men immersed in a book, capturing the essence of Father's Advice.

Manvotional: How to Face Death

A black and white photograph capturing the raw emotion of a man leaning out of a window, expressing his grief and loss.

mental health center / mental health a-z list / how do i deal with the death of my father article

How Do I Deal With the Death of My Father?

Medical Reviewer: Melinda Ratini, DO

Why losing a father is hard

Why it's hard to move on, are there stages of grief, ways to deal with the death of a father, how to know if you need more help.

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Learning about grief can help you move through the necessary steps and deal with the death of your father.

The death of a loved one is one of the most intense experiences in life. Losing a father can be especially difficult. Learning about grief can help you move through the necessary steps and deal with the death of your father.

Your circumstances will shape your grief experience. Was your father's death expected or sudden? Is your other parent still alive? Were you emotionally close to your father? Were you a caregiver for him? Factors like these make your loss unique.

All loss is hard, but losing a parent can be extra difficult. The death of a father is hard because of the many roles that fathers play:

Care providers
Models for behavior
Teachers and moral guides
Breadwinners

In one study, researchers found that males take the loss of a father harder than the loss of a mother. Women grieved more over the loss of their mothers. Both daughters and sons who lost parents felt a drop in their sense of purpose. Sons who lost fathers also experienced an increase in depression and a dip in overall psychological health.

Some people deal with grief by drinking more. Researchers report that men often increase their alcohol consumption after the death of a father.

Losing a parent changes your life in several ways:

You've lost a person who saw your uniqueness and gave you unconditional love.
Your position in your family changes, and you may become a member of the older generation.
You realize your own mortality because a generation no longer separates you and death.
You've lost a person who remembers your childhood and could answer questions about your past.

Experts agree that grief is a process, but they disagree about the steps or stages. One model describes five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression , and acceptance. The author of this model, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, emphasized that you may skip stages or go through them in a different order.

A simpler model suggests three steps in the grieving process — numbness, disorganization, and reorganization.

Numbness. During this stage, you are almost in a stage of shock . You may go through the steps required by your father's death, such as arranging services and taking charge of finances. You may feel sorrow, but you don't fully realize what you've lost.

Disorganization. As the numbness goes away, you may feel a mixture of emotions. Besides sorrow, you may feel anger, guilt, or fear. Your throat may be tight. You may catch yourself sighing often. Reaching out to family and friends can help. Don't make any major decisions during this stage.

Reorganization. Soon you will notice that you do not think of your father constantly. You will be able to resume a normal pattern of work and other activities. You will begin to think of the future.

These strategies may help you deal with the death of your father:

Share your grief. Talk to friends, colleagues, and family members about what you are feeling. They may not bring up your father's death, but they will listen when you do. It's good to share your feelings with your siblings. Just be aware that their relationship with your father could differ from your own.

Forgive yourself. No one has a perfect relationship with their parents. You and your father may have exchanged harsh words. You may have passed up opportunities to be with him. Forgive yourself, and realize that your father was not perfect, either.

Grow through loss. Take lessons from your relationship with your father. Use them to make your life better. These can be positive — "My father could find humor in anything." They can also be negative — "Dad hated to apologize, even when he knew he was wrong." Both types of lessons can be valuable.

Find ways to remember your father. Some people find solace through visiting gravesites. You may prefer to write down your memories or work with your dad's favorite charity.

Everyone's timetable for grief is different. You may still be sad about losing your father after others have returned to their normal lives. That's okay. But consider getting help if you have any of these symptoms:

New and unexplained physical problems
Grief that interferes with work or home duties
Extreme anger or anger that's easily triggered
Self-destructive behavior, such as excessive drinking, suicidal thoughts , or overuse of medications

Human beings are built to bounce back after loss. If this isn't happening for you, you may need to see a psychotherapist. A therapist can help you work through the stages of grief.

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Dear Dad, Thank You For Saving My Life

5 things my grandmother taught me about life, 10 things i learned while dealing with the death of a loved one, what it was like to travel europe with a lifesize cutout of my dad, i left everything to travel the world for and with my father..

My Father Passed Away, And It Made Me A Better Person.

I would give anything and everything I have right now to have my father back in this world. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss him, or wonder what life would be like if he were still here.

It’s been five years since my father passed away from cancer.

I’ve been very open about my story with my readers ever since I published my first photo project on this blog three years ago ( READ: I Left Everything To Travel The World For And With My Father ).

I was 24, untraveled, stuck in a life that may have seemed a dream for others, but one that wasn’t being true to myself. I was unhappy, unfulfilled, unsettled and well on my way to hitting rock bottom. I left everything (apartment, relationship, job, friends) in my old life behind to travel the world for the very first time. People would ask me, “Weren’t you scared?” Hell yes, I was scared. But I had reached the point where I knew that I had nowhere else to go but up. So I took the biggest risk of my life.

That’s the thing about what seems like unbearable sadness and complete loss of hope – it just can’t get any worse. It can only get better.

Two years later, I wrote a post on the lessons I had learned the two years after he died ( READ: 10 Things I Learned While Dealing With The Death Of A Loved One ).

And since then, life has continued to throw me numerous curveballs, allowed me to experience adventure and pushed me into situations that fuel my passions. There is good that can come from the bad.

But finding happiness isn’t easy. Sometimes, it’s disgustingly difficult, hidden behind your worst fears, and it won’t show itself until you build up your courage and fight for it. But eventually, you will find it – as long as you don’t give up. I’m proof of that.

But most people who meet me now don’t know about the last five years. They don’t know who I was before my father died, or during the year when he was sick. I was a completely different person. They didn’t experience me during my grief, during my transformation.

They didn’t see the bald spots that once covered my head. The thirty extra pounds of weight I hid behind layers of black. The closet full of clothing, bags and shoes I knew I didn’t need but bought anyway. Just to feel a little bit less shitty throughout the week.

They get to see the person I am today. Sugar and butterflies. Salty hair, usually barefoot, cracking jokes that aren’t always funny. The lighthearted laughter, the sun-kissed skin. The mind behind the motivation fed through instagram captions. The now nomad with an incomparable zest for life.

But I wasn’t always this person. It took me five years of life’s lessons to get me here.

Five years and twenty-five countries. And I want to share the journey that shaped me into the woman I am today – the woman I am slowly but surely becoming – the woman I hope that my father would be proud of.

You will become pickier with your priorities.

Oh, you know how they say life is short? Well there’s nothing like the death of your most favorite person to kick you in the a-s and remind you of how short it actually is.

I never for a second thought that I would have to live the rest of my life without my dad . I can’t call him on the phone to talk to him when I can’t make a decision. Or when I’m stressed out. I can’t just go home and hug him. I can’t thank him for everything he’s done. I can’t repay him for the sacrifices he made for our family. He will not be there to walk me down the aisle when I get married one day.

So when you realize how short life can actually be, your perspective changes and so do your priorities.

Some of the things that you felt were important will quickly become a waste of time. You will grow and shift, become uncomfortable with your current life , and all of that discomfort creates pressure that forces you to reprioritize, re-examine and reshape the life you want to live.

You will know empathy, and it will create depth.

The beautiful thing about hardship is that it builds empathy – the ability to feel for and connect with others. It’s about being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. To actually give a f-ck about someone other than yourself.

And maybe that’s what has made me realize how beautiful it is to actually connect with someone on a deeper level. Someone who understands your pain, can empathize with it because they have undergone their own type of trauma, built themselves back up by overcoming their fears and eventually finding peace again. Someone who has been through their own journey, to identify with yours and feel as much as you feel.

You are inspiring others.

Yes, even now. Even in your darkness. Even when you’re difficult. Someone is looking at you, what you are going through – and is in awe of how you still manage to go about your life. It is a magnificently inspiring thing – to watch you have the strength to smile or laugh despite all of your hardships. Because of you, someone is looking at their own life and pushing to continue.

We often do not look at ourselves as inspirational, but I believe that everyone in the world can inspire someone by their story.

Most often, the people who have known hardship end up becoming the most successful, most empathetic and the most inspiring people in the world.

You, too, have the ability to help someone re-examine their own lives, and help them become a better person.

You are more emotional, and it is beautiful.

I was once so deeply afraid of my emotions that I tried to hide them from others and myself. And it broke me down. I stored them away and went through them alone. But when I started accepting and embracing them, it allowed me to create more open human connections.

And the friends who are there for you at your lowest moments, are the ones who will be there for you forever. The people who love you for your emotions, truly know you and will support you no matter what. Keep these people close.

I know so much more happiness and gratitude because I have known sadness and loss. It’s not that you experience only sadness when you are more emotional – you feel more of everything.

Your smile is brighter, your laugh is contagious and the simplest things will make you happier than the most extravagant.

I’m talking about pure, uncomplicated joy. And you will feel it in its raw form. Because you have truly known sadness.

You will not let fear control your decisions anymore.

People call me strong but I don’t always feel that way. I feel like a normal girl. I can have a temper, deal with insecurities, want to be loved, and feel emotional like anyone else. Sometimes I feel like a sh-t show, like my life isn’t in order. My biggest fear is that I will never find someone to love me the way my father loved me – unconditionally .

I used to fear sleeping in places where bugs crawled on the ceilings. I used to fear surfing waves that were bigger than six feet. I used to fear letting a boy think I liked him too much, so I played games and didn’t stay true to myself. I used to fear making rash decisions, or planning too little, or living without a sense of security. I used to fear change in any shape or form.

And I used to let these fears control my decisions , and my life. But I now see fear as an opportunity to challenge myself , and prove to myself that I am capable of overcoming each and every one.

I feel every bit of that fear before paddling out to a surf break I’ve never been to before. And when I jump off of waterfalls in a third world country. When I don’t know where I’m going to live next month, or if I’ll continue to find work as a photographer in the future.

I feel every bit of that fear and I do it anyway. And the practice of doing this will undoubtedly grow your confidence. Mine has grown exponentially in the last five years. I have done things that I never thought I could do.

I traveled alone to over twenty five countries. I climbed the highest mountain in North Africa while it was covered in snow. I fell in love, got my heart broken and have not let it turn me hard. I have surfed in waves stronger than I thought I was prepared for in over ten countries. I walked away from a five year relationship that I was scared to leave even though it was the most damaging to my confidence, mental health and self esteem. I photographed some of the world’s best surfers at one of the most famous and scariest surf breaks on the planet . I left a life of job security for the thought of an unstable future, for a guaranteed life of freedom.

And it is because I know that nothing I will ever go through – whatever problem, whatever issue, whatever heartbreak – will be as difficult as my father’s death. If I can go through that trauma, that hardship, that depression, and make it out alive – I will be able to get through anything. It has given me strength and perspective. And fear is no longer an option.

The best is yet to come.

I am constantly pushing myself to become better at what I am doing. Constantly pushing myself to become a better person. To be kind to all people. Move with purpose. Live a life that I and my family would be proud of.

From sadness and hardship comes growth , change and magnificent transformation.

I am embracing change and adventure. I am trying to keep my heart open, even when people hurt me. I am doing the very best that I can to make the world a more positive place. And I know that I would never be this person if I hadn’t gone through what I had five years before.

My father made me a better person when he was alive. And he continues to make me a better person even though he has passed away. Because that does not mean that he is gone.

His capacity to love , never-ending forgiveness , selfless nature and lighthearted laughter motivates me, lives within me and everyone else in my family.

Five years later, and yes – there are still moments when I get sad , missing my father and wishing he were here. Those moments will probably never go away. There are still moments when I get frustrated, when bad things happen to me, or when my feelings are hurt. But these are the parts of life that help you grow, blossom into a stronger, more resilient soul.

I hope you remember this when you are feeling like you are alone in your pain. I hope you remember that good is coming, and that you are stronger than you think.

Thank you to Prudential Financial and Bloglovin’ for supporting me by sponsoring this post, and allowing me to share my story as part of their # masterpieceoflove project. For more inspirational stories of loss, resilience, family and love — visit the official site for #masterpieceoflove here .

C’mon, he loved me even when I looked like this as a baby.

Miss and love you always. Thank you for everything you’ve done for us.

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Loss Of Father

130+ Sympathy Messages for the Loss of a Father

Updated 12/26/2023

Published 10/22/2019

Belinda McLeod, BA in Secondary Education

Contributing writer

Get inspiration from these sympathy message ideas for when a relative, friend, coworker, client, or boss loses a father.

Cake values integrity and transparency. We follow a strict editorial process to provide you with the best content possible. We also may earn commission from purchases made through affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Learn more in our affiliate disclosure .

Shopping for sympathy cards for the loss of a father? Crafting the right message can be tough. In this article, find ready-to-use sympathy messages to offer comfort during a difficult time.

Jump ahead to these sections:

Sympathy messages for a friend who lost a dad, sympathy messages for a relative who lost a father, sympathy messages for coworkers, clients, or bosses who lost a father, sympathy messages for the loss of a father-in-law, sympathy messages for the loss of a father and grandfather, sympathy messages for the loss of a father and husband, sympathy messages for the loss of a father from a company or organization, short sympathy messages for the loss of a father for a flower note, religious sympathy messages for the loss of a father, how to share a sympathy message for the loss of a father, other ways to support someone who lost a father.

Tip: If your friend or loved one set up a memorial page , share your sympathy message there along with a memory of their loved one.

Example of a sympathy message for a friend that lost a dad over an image of a card and a flower

During the challenging period following the loss of a father, expressing condolences through a meaningful gift can bring a sense of comfort. Consider pairing your sympathy message with a thoughtful gift. A custom, engraved candle , garden stone , or care package is a small gesture that shows compassion.

In the midst of their grief, a carefully curated sympathy gift can offer a moment of respite, reminding your loved one that you are standing by them during this difficult time. It's a compassionate way to navigate the grieving journey together.

Seeing a friend cope with the loss of their father can be difficult and heartbreaking. Especially if your friend had a close relationship with their father, it can be incredibly difficult to know what to say. What's important is that you do reach out and let your friend know that you're thinking of them and you're sorry for their loss.

Here are a few sympathy message ideas for a friend who has lost a father:

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad’s death. Your father was one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, and I was lucky to get to know him.
I greatly admired your dad and am deeply saddened to hear about his death. I’ll always have great memories of him. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and looking back on all of my memories of you and your dad. He was a great man.
I’m so sorry that your dad has passed away. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
Your dad was such a kind man, and I know you’ll miss him dearly. I feel so lucky to have known him in some small way, too. You and your family are in my heart.
I always saw your dad as an intelligent, kindhearted man, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, but I am keeping you in my thoughts.
Please accept my sincerest condolences for the passing of your beloved father. I hope you find comfort in the support of the beautiful memories you hold close to your heart.
Your dad led a remarkable life, and I never heard anyone say a bad word about him. I’m lucky that I got to know him, and I know
Your dad touched a lot of people’s lives — mine included. I’m so glad I got the chance to know him, and I’m heartbroken that you lost a person you love so much.
I’ll always cherish the memories I had with you and your dad. I loved hanging out at family barbecues and parties with him. I’m so sorry about your loss. Please extend my condolences to your family.
“The road through grief is a rocky one. Traveling along it requires courage, patience, wisdom, and hope.” – Candy Lightner
I know you must feel lost and heartbroken by the death of your father. This quote reminded me of you: “Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I hope these words comfort you: “What is there to do when people die – people so dear and rare – but bring them back by remembering?” – May Sarton
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.
“Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality.” – Emily Dickinson

Gift tip : Send a friend a small gift along with your message. If you need to send something speedy, buy them a digital gift card . if you can wait a few days, we recommend this large snack box

Grieving's hard enough.

Get your affairs in order so your family doesn't have to. Create a free Cake end-of-life planning profile and share your wishes with the people you care about.

Example of a sympathy message for a relative who lost a father over an image of a card and flowers

Chances are if a relative lost a father, you were also related to the deceased in some way. This can make it easier to bond over shared memories and experiences. You can choose any memory that evokes the feeling you want.

What about adding a funny story about your family member’s dad at a family barbecue? What about a memory you have of going fishing as a child as a reminder of how much he’ll be missed? No matter what you choose, sharing a personal connection is a heartwarming touch to any condolence card.

Here are some sympathy messages for a relative who has lost a father:

I have such great memories of your dad. No one was better at telling jokes, and I loved being around him at family gatherings. I’m so sorry for your loss — you’re in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father’s death. I loved seeing your dad at family reunions — he always lit up the room and was also so caring. You’re on my mind, and if you need to talk to someone, give me a call.
Your dad was always there for me as a mentor figure and a fun person to be around when I was growing up. I’ll always remember how he listened to and cared for everyone in the family. I’ll miss him, too. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you.
I’ll always remember your dad as a very caring person. He loved so many people and brought out the best in everyone. I’ll miss him so much. Let me know if there’s any way I can help you.
I was so sad to hear about the loss of your father. I know you have a lot of great memories of him, and I hope they comfort you. I’ll always remember him as a kind, thoughtful man. He went out of his way to help so many people and left a great legacy.
Your father was so proud of you and loved you so much. I hope this comforts you as you deal with his loss. I’m so sorry about his death. I’d love to help you in any way possible. Let me know what I can do.
Your dad was always a joy to have around. He shared a lot of wisdom with me that made him a powerful mentor figure in my life. I’m so sorry about his death and will miss him.
I’ll always remember your dad. He left such a heartwarming legacy with his family, and I’ll miss him too. Sending love to you.
I always admired your dad’s ability to get people to warm up to him. He touched so many lives, and I’m sure you’re proud of his memory. I’m so sorry about his death.
I’ll always treasure the fun memories I have with your dad. He’ll be missed by many.
“There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.” – Thornton Wilder
“Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed; I stay a little longer, as one stays/ To cover up the embers that still burn.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“With love that is almost joy I remember them.” – John Hall Wheelock
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving
“Sometimes it’s okay that the only thing you did today was breathe.” – Yumi Sakugawa

Gift tip : Buy your relative a digital photo frame and load photos of the deceased before you gift it. Alternatively, you can buy a set of traditional frames

Example of a sympathy message for a coworker over an image of a card an flower

Striking the balance of professionalism and empathy is hard if you're writing a sympathy message for a colleague who's lost their father. This is especially true if you didn’t know the coworker, client, or boss very well. You can’t share memories or achieve a personal touch. If you're looking for more inspiration, you can check our guide on condolence emails for clients .

You can also try getting your coworkers together and chipping in on a gourmet sympathy gift basket, like this inexpensive charcuterie and cheese basket from Amazon .

Try these ideas to spark a personalized sympathy message for a colleague who has lost a father:

Thinking of you during this difficult time. I’m so sorry for your loss and want to extend my sympathies to you. I’m sure your father was a great man who will be missed.
I’m so sorry about your father’s death. Please accept my heartfelt condolences. You’re in my thoughts, and I hope you feel comforted in the days ahead.
I wanted to let you know that you’re on my mind and I’m here for you if you need anything. I’m so sorry about your father’s death.
I am so saddened to hear about the loss of your father. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I want to offer my sincere condolences.
I’m so sorry about your father’s death. I hope the good memories you have of him will comfort you in the days ahead.
Please accept my heartfelt sympathies during this difficult time. My thoughts are with you.
Please accept my condolences for the death of your father. Sending well wishes and prayers to you and your family.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. Please accept my condolences and let me know if there’s anything I can do to help during this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones right now.
I hope you’re able to find peace and comfort during this difficult time. I’m so sorry you and your loved ones are going through this. Please accept my condolences, and let me know if I can help in any way.
Please accept my heartfelt sympathies. I hope you’re able to find peace through the good memories you had with your father.
I always loved hearing stories about your father. It sounds as if he was a wonderful man. I was sorry to hear about his passing.
The whole office has been thinking about you this week. Please don’t worry about any of the upcoming deadlines. Your team has got it covered.
Your work family is here for you! Sophie will contact you tomorrow to organize meals for the rest of the week. We love you and are sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you, your mom, and the rest of your family as you say goodbye to your dad.
Please don’t worry about any work-related issues for the next week. We have forwarded your calls and email so you can spend time comforting your family and reliving precious memories.

Gift tip : Every client or coworker loves getting a basket of fancy treats. We recommend sending this charcuterie snack box or dried fruit and nut basket .

What do you say when offering condolences for the loss of a father-in-law?

Here are some sample messages to write or say to someone in this situation:

I was sorry to hear about the loss of your father-in-law. Please accept my sympathies.
Please extend my love to your entire family for the loss of your father, father-in-law, and grandfather. You are all in my thoughts.
I was sad to hear that you recently lost your father-in-law. I had the pleasure of meeting him at your wedding, and he seemed to be a kind, soft-spoken man.
You and your wife are certainly in my prayers following the passing of your father-in-law. I am glad she has you to lean on during this difficult time.
It’s hard to know what to say in times like these. However, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.
Please accept my condolences on the passing of your father-in-law. He was well-loved in our community and known for his generosity and humbleness.
I can’t believe that Tom is gone! He had such a vibrant and energetic presence. I know your entire family is probably reeling from the loss—hugs to you all.
I’m sorry I never met your father-in-law. He sounds as if he were an amazing man who experienced many adventures. Please offer my condolences to your husband, children, and the rest of the family.
You were lucky to have such a close relationship with your father-in-law. It sounds as if he were a truly remarkable man, and I know you will miss him. Please know that I am thinking of you. Let’s set a coffee date soon so you can tell me more about Rob.
Your family has been on my mind lately. You all have been through so much. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your father-in-law. Even though his death was expected, I know it is never easy.
I know how close you were to your father-in-law, so I know his death is difficult for you. Please know that I am happy to help out during this time. I can pick up Rob’s cousins from the airport if that would help.
Hugs to you, my friend!
I am praying for peace and comfort for you and your entire family.
Even though I’ll see you tonight at the visitation, I wanted to tell you how sorry I was to hear about Susan’s father. I know how important he was to your entire family.
It’s times like these that you are reminded of the importance of family and friends. I am lucky to have you in both categories.

When offering online condolences , you may sometimes find it necessary to offer sympathy to multiple generations of a family. Here’s how to word such messages:

Johnson Family – I know you are hurting following the loss of your husband, father, father-in-law, grandfather, brother, and uncle. However, please know that our family is here for you during this difficult time. Sending much love, The Smith Family
I’m sorry I can’t be there for your dad’s funeral. Please know that I have been thinking of you non-stop. Give your babies hugs from me. I will visit soon.
I’ve never met anyone as excited to be a grandfather as your dad was. I must have watched that video where you announced your pregnancy a dozen times because your dad’s reaction was so hilarious. I know you are thankful that your dad was able to meet Kinzie before he passed.
I hope the memories you shared with your dad and grandpa will give you some solace as you learn to navigate life without Charles.
Your dad always gushed with pride when talking about you and your kids. You were precious to him. I am so sorry for your loss.
You (and yours) are in my thoughts and prayers.
My thoughts are with you as you grieve the loss of the daddy of your childhood, the frustrating dad of your teen years, the knowledgeable father who you grew to depend on as an adult, and the loving grandpa to your kids.
I know you are heartbroken that your kids lost their Papa. Thinking of you all as you learn how to navigate life without Paul.
I know nothing I can say will make you feel better after the loss of your father (and grandfather to your kids). However, please know that I am a shoulder you can cry on and a listening ear to hear stories about your dad.
Your father was blessed with a remarkable life, three wonderful children, and 15 great-grandchildren. He certainly had a life worth celebrating.
“To her, the name of father was another name for love.” – Fanny Fern
“A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you grow.” – Unknown
“She did not stand alone, but what stood behind her, the most potent moral force in her life, was the love of her father.” – Harper Lee
“A grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart.” – Unknown
“Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father.” – Lydia Maria Child

Unless you offer sympathy messages to someone you don’t know well, you may know several members of the deceased’s family. Here are ways to sign an online memorial website or card when you want to offer condolences to several people simultaneously, such as the spouse and children of the deceased.

Martha, Stephen, and Gwen – Please accept my sympathy for losing your husband and father. I know the last three months have been difficult on your entire family, and you are all devastated by the loss of Tom. However, you were all wonderful caregivers and gave Tom a peaceful end. You should feel proud of that.
I know none of us can take William’s place; he was irreplaceable. However, we will be there if you need someone to coach Little Billy’s baseball team or meet Olivia’s prom date. In other words, you aren’t alone. We’ve got your back.
I don’t know what to say, except for – I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please know that I am available if you need any help.
My heart goes out to you and your sweet family. Ethan was such a proud father. I remember how his eyes lit up when talking about the twins.
I know there’s nothing I can say to help you during this difficult time. But I wanted to tell you that you don’t have to worry about the swim carpool for the rest of the year. Let us take this small burden from you so you can focus on more important things.
Although it’s difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.
Although I sure wish Gary could do it himself, I will be glad to tell your kids stories of our childhood together when they get older. Gary was such a fantastic lifelong friend, and I can’t believe he is gone.
When I think of Peter, I will always envision him as the coach of the boys’ Little League team. He was so patient and kind to all the kids. They all felt they could grow up as baseball stars and great men.
Your husband and father was one of the kindest people I have ever met. Many people from the community will mourn his loss.
You and Stephen created the most beautiful little family together. I’m sure he will look down and smile as he watches the kids grow.
“A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.” – Billy Graham
“The heart of a father is the masterpiece of nature.” – Antoine François Prévost
The imprint of a father remains forever on the life of the child.” – Roy Lessin
“Father!—to God himself we cannot give a holier name!” – William Wordsworth
A father’s love is eternal and without end.

Perhaps part of your job is to send condolence emails to your clients . Maybe you wish to reach out to a grieving coworker or boss on behalf of a company or organization. These messages are typically more formal than those you would send on your own. Here are various ways to offer sympathy to someone connected by business:

On behalf of your entire work family, please accept our sympathy for the loss of your father.
We were saddened to hear about the loss of your father. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I write this note. On behalf of everyone at Rogers Bath and Shower, I would like to offer our sincerest sympathies for the loss of your father and our founder, Roger. He will be missed.
On behalf of Mousetrap Industries, I would like to offer our sincerest condolences on the death of your father. Marcos was a faithful employee for 18 years and a good friend to many in our office. He will be missed.
On behalf of everyone at St. Michael’s Lutheran Church, we would like to express our deepest condolences for the passing of your father, Spencer. Spencer served our congregation in many different capacities.
We are deeply saddened to hear about your father’s passing. We hope you have many family members and friends to gather around you during this difficult time. Please accept the deepest condolences from our entire team.
Everyone is thinking of you right now. Our hearts go out to you and your entire family.
The entire leadership team, managers, and crew would like to offer support during this difficult time. We are sorry for your loss. From J.K. and Associates
We think of you as family. And when a family member is hurting, we offer our love and support. Thinking of you following the loss of your father. Rossville Middle School Faculty and Staff
The employees and leadership team of the AWA would like to offer our support and condolences to you during this difficult time.

Some people send flowers to the funeral if they know they can’t attend the service. Others attend the service AND send flowers or another type of sympathy gift basket. Regardless of your choice, here are some sample sympathy messages to send with the floral arrangement.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there with you today. Please know that I am thinking of your entire magnificent family and wishing you heartfelt sympathy.
Gone but never forgotten.
Michael will always be in our hearts. So sorry for your loss.
With lots of love, Cindy.
“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart. I’ll stay there forever.” A.A. Milne
We thought of your dad when we saw this arrangement of daisies. He always had a sunny, happy personality!
Our hearts are filled with sadness and tears, but our memories are filled with smiles and laughter of the good times we shared over the years.
Please accept this small token of our sympathy following the loss of your father.
We wish we could be there in person to give you a big hug. We love you!
Even though these roses aren’t nearly as pretty as those your dad grew, they reminded us of him.

If you and the recipient of the message share a common religious belief, consider sharing a religious sympathy message. The message might seem disingenuous if you know you don’t share the same beliefs. For example, you may not want to share a Christian sympathy message if you aren't Christian.

Here are some things you might say to a fellow believer after losing their father:

Even though we will all miss your dad, I am happy that he and your mom are together again.
Praying for peace as you learn to navigate your life without Michael.
“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:17
“This is what I have learned: Within the sorrow, there is grace. When we come close to those things that break us down, we touch those things that also break us open.” - Wayne Muller
I know this is hard, but I hope you find some comfort knowing that your dad is rejoicing with the angels in Heaven right now.
May God’s infinite love and healing be with you in this time of sorrow. You are in our prayers now and always.
Praying that Heavenly Father’s Spirit will be with you as you grieve.
May our Lord bring you comfort during this time of unimaginable sorrow. We are praying for your entire family.
We will never forget your dad’s gentle spirit. May God give him eternal rest and you and your family the strength and encouragement you need to get through this difficult time.
We hope you feel God’s healing and comforting presence as you learn to live without your dad.
“It is the will of God and Nature that these mortal bodies be laid aside, when the soul is to enter into real life; ’tis rather an embryo state, a preparation for living; a man is not completely born until he be dead: Why then should we grieve that a new child is born among the immortals?” - Benjamin Franklin
“Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway.” - Mary C. Crowley
“I can assure you that those who have already passed have not only made it to the Other Side, but are in a state of bliss.” - Sylvia Browne
“Tears are God’s gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow.” ~Rita Schiano
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelation 21:4
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10
“For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.” – Psalms 18:28
“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” – 1Corinthians 15:55-57
“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.” – 1Thessalonians 4:13

There are many ways to share a message of condolences for the loss of the father. If you decide to share your message publicly, make sure the loss is publicly known and that your friend or loved one wouldn't mind receiving a sympathy message on a public forum.

Social media

If your friend or loved one posted about their loss on social media, it's appropriate to respond to the announcement with a message of sympathy. You can also create a message in tribute to their loved one and tag them in the message, as long as the passing has been announced publicly.

A memorial page

A memorial page is a perfect place to share a message of sympathy with someone who's lost a father. Cake offers a free memorial page builder that provides space for an obituary, tributes and messages, pictures, and a fundraising tool to assist with funeral expenses and other costs related to the death of a loved one.

A sympathy letter

A classic sympathy letter can go a long way in letting someone know that you're thinking of them. If you're crafting your own message, choose a card that's plain and has space for your words of support.

A text or email

If you're sharing a sympathy message with a colleague or co-worker, an email may be the most appropriate way to do so. A text can also be a great way to quickly share words of support with someone who might not be available to talk on the phone, or someone who doesn't enjoy talking on the phone.

In addition to sending a meaningful, thoughtful message to your loved one, there are other ways to support someone you care about while they're grieving the loss of a father. Here are some ideas.

Offer practical assistance. Assist with daily tasks like grocery shopping, cooking, or childcare. Practical help can be invaluable during a difficult time.
Share fond memories. Reminisce about positive and uplifting memories of their father. Sharing these moments can bring a sense of joy amid the grief.
Attend memorial services. Attend memorial services or gatherings to show solidarity. Your presence can offer emotional support and a sense of community.
Send care packages. Send thoughtful care packages with comforting items like candles, books, or self-care items. Small gestures can make a big difference.
Coordinate group support. Organize a schedule for friends and family to take turns providing support. This ensures a continuous network of care.
Encourage professional support. Suggest professional grief counseling or support groups. Sometimes, a trained professional can provide the guidance needed during the grieving process.
Respect cultural and religious practices. Be mindful of the person's cultural and religious practices. Respect and support their traditions during this challenging time.
Remember special dates. Acknowledge important dates such as birthdays or anniversaries. Remembering these occasions shows ongoing support and understanding.

Write the Perfect Card for Your Loved One

It’s difficult to convey how you feel in the wake of a father’s death, and coming up with the right words can feel overwhelming. No matter how much time you spend on a card, it will never feel perfect.

The suggestions we’ve given are just a launchpad. Feel free to tweak each of them — add unique memories for a heartwarming touch and a dash of extra comfort.

Have other suggestions to share? Let us know your ideas on to express your condolences or the best ways to say "I'm sorry." Still need more ideas? Head over to our list of the best sympathy gift ideas for more.

Zhou, Naitian, and David Jurgens. "Condolence and Empathy in Online Communities." Proceedings of the 2020 Conference on Empirical Methods in Natural Language Processing, (2020): 609-626 . Accessed October 20, 2023. https://aclanthology.org/2020.emnlp-main.45.pdf.

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Words of Sympathy for Loss of Father: 90+ Heartfelt Messages

Losing a father is one of the hardest things you can go through. Even after the death of a father his son or daughter have a bond that is profound and everlasting.

Offering condolences if you know someone who’s dad has died will show you are thinking of the bereaved. But choosing a sympathy message for the loss of a father is never easy. Finding the right words that express your condolences is tough.

So the following condolence messages and quotes should help you to express your sadness and offer comfort and support.

Table of Contents

Short Condolence Messages for Loss of Father

These short, comforting words for the death of a father are well suited for sympathy cards, a note or quick text message. Use them as a brief way to let someone know how sorry you are they have lost their dad.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. He was a wonderful man.
May your father rest in peace. My deepest condolences.
Sending you warm and loving thoughts after the tragic passing of your father.
May memories of your dad provide you some comfort as you mourn his passing.
Your father was a truly special man. He will be deeply missed. My condolences.
There are no words I can offer other than how sorry I am. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
My most sincere sympathy for your loss. I’m always here if you need a shoulder to cry on.
May your father’s spirit live on long after he is gone. My condolences.

Sympathy Messages for Loss of Father

These example messages should help you to reach out with your condolences if you aren’t sure what you say to someone who’s father died.

My heartfelt condolences. Your father was an outstanding man and it seems that he has left us too soon.
Your father always bragged about how wonderful you were. I hope you know that you meant the world to him. He was a wonderful man and will be missed. Truly sorry for your loss.
Your father was one of the nicest people I knew and I know that he was a great dad too. You have my deepest sympathy on your loss.
I am truly sorry for your loss. There is no grieving message that can express how much he meant to me. My heart is aching.
No matter where he is, he’ll always be watching over you. He will stay with you forever.
I was so sorry to hear about your father’s passing. I know this is a very sad and difficult time for you and your family. You have my very deepest sympathy
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father. If you feel like talking to someone, know that I am a good listener.
I cannot tell you how sorry I was to hear about your dad. I was shocked and saddened by the news. Please extend my sympathy to your mom and the rest of your family.
The loss of one’s father marks one of the most profound rites of passage in our life.
My condolences to you for the passing of your father. There will never be another man like him.
I am really sorry for you loss. I know how close you were to your father and what an influence he had on your life. We will miss him.
I hope it comforts you to know that your grief is shared by all of us who knew your dad. He was a wonderful man and he will be sorely missed
I am deeply and sincerely sorry for the loss of your father. May his memory forever be a blessing.
Life doesn’t seem fair sometimes and this is one of those moments. Your father was one of the good guys. I will miss him terribly. My condolences.
I will keep you close in my thoughts and prayers in the coming weeks as you are going through your process of grieving.
A father may pass on but his thoughts, hopes and dreams live on in us. Remember the amazing life he lead and how much he loved you. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Your father was always there for my family when I was growing up. He was so giving and thoughtful. He will live on in our hearts forever.
Losing your dad can be extremely difficult because you are losing a source of strength, stability and consistency in your life. I am sorry for your loss.
Your dad was a wise man, but at the same time, he had a great sense of humor. He will be missed greatly and remembered often.

Condolence Messages on Death of Father

After a fathers death you can help family or friends to get through the sorrow and pain with these thoughtful words of encouragement. When mourning their father it’s important to show loved one’s you are there for them. So show them with a card or message.

May the wonderful memories of your dad help ease your suffering. It’s so hard to say goodbye to someone so loved but I hope you can find the strength to get through this tragic time. My most heartfelt condolences.
Please accept my most sincere condolences to you and your family. May you find strength and support amongst each other. I am thinking of you and sending my love.
I could never know how hard this is but know that I will always be there for you. I will support you through every moment. My heart goes out to you.
I wish I could do more than offer my most sincere condolences. It is so heartbreaking that you have lost your beloved father and I am devastated for you. I only hope the love he leaves behind can bring you some comfort in this face of such a difficult time.
I hope that friends and family are surrounding you and bringing their love and support following the loss of your dad. I understand that there is only so much they can do but I sincerely hope that the kindness and support of loved ones can help you deal with the grief. My condolences.
I am so very sorry for your loss and wish to express my deepest condolences. I hope they loved ones are with you for support and you can find some strength to get through the hard days ahead.
I would like to express my condolences to you and your family for the loss of a devoted father and husband. I am always thinking of you and want you to know I am here if you need any help. May you find some peace to heal.
There is nothing harder than losing someone as loved as your dad. You may feel alone as you go through this but we will all be there if you need us. I can promise I won’t let you down. You have all my sympathy and love.

Condolence Messages for a Friends Father’s Death

When a friends dad has passed away then they will be hurting and grieving. A condolence message will help them to know their friends are thinking of and there for them.

I know how close you and your dad were. I saw firsthand the love you shared and bond you had. I am so very sorry he is gone.
I’m going to be there for you as you cope with the loss of your father. I can’t make the pain go away but I can help you through the grief and mourning. I’ll do everything I can.
You are as good a friend as I’ve ever had and I’m so sorry you’re father has passed away. He was a kind and loving man who touched so many lives. My sincerest condolences.
I have very fond memories of your dad and spending time with him. Its so sad that he’s no longer with us. May his memory never leave you.
Losing your father is just awful and I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But you have always been there for me and I will do the same with you.
There is nothing I can say to take away your pain. But please know I’m here, always thinking of you and ready to help any way I can. With loving sympathy, your friend.
I want to do all I can to help you through this terribly difficult time. I can’t understand what you’re feeling but I can support you when you need it. I’m so sorry for your loss.

deepest sympathy for loss of father message

What to Text Someone Who Lost Their Dad

I’m deeply saddened to learn the news of your father’s passing. Please accept my deepest regrets for your loss.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved dad. He will be sorely missed.
My condolences to your and your family after the tragic loss of your father.
May your fathers memory live on forever in your heart.
I’m here for you if you need me. I’ll check and see how you’re doing very soon.
My thoughts go out to you and your family at this time. My condolences.
My deepest sympathies to you for the loss of your dad.
I’m thinking of you and praying you find comfort to get through such a terrible loss.

Religious Sympathy Messages for the Loss of a Father

These messages can be used in sympathy cards but are also good for a memorial service or even part of a eulogy.

Your father’s strong faith was an inspiration to many. I am praying that God’s love and grace will bring you some peace in the coming days.
May the love of God bring you comfort and strengthen you during this terribly difficult time. Your dad was such a wonderful man and I know his spirit will live on through you and your family.
Our prayers are with you and your family as you mourn the loss of your father. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that he is in heaven and reunited with our Lord and Savior.
Your faith can bring you solace and peace as you come to terms with the loss of your dad. He was an amazing man who I know was very proud of you.
We were so saddened to learn of your father’s passing. May the Lord surround you with His love as you grieve.

Sympathy Messages for a Friend that Lost a Father

I know how close you and your dad were. I can’t express how sorry I am he has gone. My heart goes out to you.
If you need anything I’m always here for you, whether that’s to talk or just listen. You aren’t alone and I’ll support you in whatever way you need.
I was lucky to get to know your father and he was one of the kindest and most generous men I ever met. He may be gone but he leaves behind an amazing legacy.
We’ve known each other for decades and I have some great memories of your father from all that time. He was so much fun and a the life and soul of every party. I’m going to miss him and I’m so sorry he’s gone.
Your dad was truly a great man. He was always proud of you and everything you did and his legacy will live on through you. My condolences for such a tragic loss.

Sympathy Messages for a Relative Who Lost a Father

We were all so sorry to hear about your father’s passing. He was a beloved member of our family and losing him has left a huge hole in our lives.
Your dad was always there for us no matter what we needed. His kindness and generosity was the mark of a great man. He won’t be forgotten.
Your dad raised an amazing family that I know he was so proud of. You will continue his legacy by remembering and honoring all he did in life. My sincere condolences.
There is nothing harder than losing your father. You and your family are in out thoughts and prayers during such a tough time.
It was clear for everyone to see how much your father loved his family. In this time of loss we will be by your side with love and support.

Sympathy Messages for a Colleague Who Lost a Father

I was deeply sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a parent is incredibly hard and I’m sending my condolences and thoughts.
Take all the time you need as you deal with losing your father. We will cover for you at work until you’re ready to return. My deepest sympathy.
You’ve shown remarkable strength in facing something as hard as losing a parent. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Everyone at the office is thinking of you and sending our love. May your father’s memory always be a blessing.
Please accept my condolences for the sad passing of your father. I will be praying for you and your family.

Condolences for an Employee or Client Who Lost a Father

Please accept our condolences for the loss of your father. We were very sorry to hear of his passing and send our thoughts to you and your family.
We understand this must be a very difficult time for you. Please accept our deepest sympathies.
With sympathy for the loss of your father from all of us at [organization]. We send our condolences to your family.
I was terribly sorry to learn of your fathers passing. My condolences for your loss.
We send our condolences for the passing of your father. May he rest in peace.

Words of Sympathy for the Loss of a Father in Law

Losing a father-in-law can be just as difficult as losing a parent. We wanted to let you know we are here for you in any way you need us.
Your father-in-law was a friend and colleague who will be missed greatly. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
My deepest sympathy for the loss of your father in law. I hope you’re coping ok and I’m always here if you need me.
I knew your father in law well and he was a kind and humble man. His loss is a tragedy for all of us but especially you. My sincere condolences.
With love and sympathy for the loss of your father in law.

Words of Sympathy for the Loss of a Father and Husband

Your family has suffered an enormous tragedy and I am so sorry your family has lost both a father and a husband. My deepest sympathy.
Your husband was a true partner in every sense of the word and an outstanding father. His love and kindness shall never be forgotten.
The memories of your partner and father to your children will live on in the hearts of all who knew him. He was a truly incredible man.
Your husband was a fantastic father and beloved by all who knew him. I am so sad he is gone and will miss him dearly.
We are so deeply sorry for the loss of your husband. His memory will live on through you and your family.

Words of Sympathy for the Loss of a Father and Grandfather

Your father and grandfather was a really remarkable man. The wisdom and guidance he showed us was so inspiring and I know everything he taught you will continue to be a part of your family for years to come.
All of us who were lucky enough to know your father were touched by his warmth and spirit. He will be missed by many people. My condolences.
I am sending my sincerest sympathy for the loss of your father. I know how much he meant to you and your family and how much his grandkids will miss him. I hope you’re holding up and am only ever a phone call away.
The loss of a father and grandfather is devastating but I’m sure his memory will always be with you.
May your father rest in peace and his legacy be a reminder of the amazing man he was.

Sympathy Messages for the Loss of a Step Father

While a stepfather may not be your biological dad I knew how losing one can be just as heartbreaking. I’m here for you if you need support.
Although he may not have been your biological father we know how much of an impact he had on your life. I hope all he did for you will never be forgotten.
The passing of your stepfather is a reminder that family is not defined by blood but by love. I can’t say just how sorry I am he has left us.
Please accept our deepest condolences for the loss of your stepfather. Remember that we will always be there for you.
I understand how deeply you will feel the loss of your stepfather. He stepped up and became your dad when you needed one the most. You have my most heartfelt sympathy.

Condolence Messages For a Father Figure

Losing someone from your life who meant so much to you is awful. I know he wasn’t your biological father but I also know how much of an influence he had on on your life. I’m so sorry.
Having a father figure in your life is so important and to have him taken like this is unbelievably cruel. Please accept my deepest sympathy.
Your father figure provided strength and guidance when you needed it most. I can’t express how sad it is he is gone. We are here for support if you need it.
The loss of a mentor is incredibly hard to bear. Please accept our condolences for your loss.
May everything your father figure did and the guidance he showed you last long after he has gone. I know you will want to make him proud and I feel confident he will be looking down on you and smiling. My love and sympathy.

How to Sign a Sympathy Card for the Loss of a Father

These are a few examples of how to sign a sympathy card for when someone has lost their father.

May time heal your heart. With deeper sympathy.
My sympathy and thoughts are with you
We will be thinking of you.
With loving condolences.
With warm thoughts and prayers

How to Talk to Someone Who Lost Their Father

As well as offering your condolences and sending a sympathy card you will probably talk to whoever has lost their father. This can be difficult too as it’s hard to know what to say and how to act around those grieving a parents passing.

Although you may feel uncomfortable you shouldn’t ignore them. Some people prefer to be left alone when they’re mourning but many don’t and need the support of friends and family.

I know I needed people around me after my dad died and would have struggled far more if I hadn’t had family and friends. So try put aside any awkwardness you may have and be there for them.

Follow these tips for what to do when you talk to someone grieving a passed father:

One of the most important things you can do. It’s also easy and doesn’t require much on your part.

Let the person grieving express their emotions and how they are feeling. Don’t judge them and listen closely, trying to understand what they’re going through.

You don’t have to have experienced exactly the same loss as they have to understand the pain and hurt they’re going through. Simply be empathetic to their situation and offer your support by being there if they need someone to talk to.

When I was going through the loss of my father I had family, namely my husband, who could be there for me. But friends would also come round to visit and be with me, not necessarily to talk but to listen. It isn’t going to make the pain go away but it does help.

Share Memories

If you knew their father well and had any special memories of him then sharing them is a good idea. It can help those mourning to remember their dad in the best way and not to dwell only on the negatives.

Like listening it isn’t going to be a magic wand but anything that can bring some positivity to someone grieving will help. And I remember reminiscing about my dad with close friends and ending up laughing about some of the funniest and most cherished memories I had of him. I missed him dearly, and still do, but remembering those special times with him definitely helped.

Have Patience

It takes time to get through the pain of losing a parent. It took me months before I felt like I was starting to move through the worst of it and that was just the start. It was longer than that before I really felt like I’d past the worst.

So don’t rush whoever is grieving and allow them to grieve the way they want taking as long as they need. Be supportive and there for them at every stage without expecting them to be over it by within a certain time.

The most important thing to remember is to let them know they aren’t alone as they go through such a difficult moment.

What Not to Say to Someone Grieving Their Father

These are just a few examples of what not to say to someone grieving :

These are only likely to upset someone mourning their father and make them feel worse.

How to Support Someone Who Lost Their Father

As well as sending a card or offering your condolences you will want to be there for someone grieving their father who passed away. Think in more practical terms about what you can do to support them.

For example my neighbors came round with some food they’d made for me after my father had passed away. They knew I would be struggling and not want to cook, something common in those grieving.

It was a touching gesture and one I really appreciated. That’s only one example though and there are many more ideas of ways you can offer your support:

Help with daily tasks : when going through the grief a loss brings it can make doing regular day to day tasks very hard. So offer to help with things like cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. Anything you can do to alleviate some stress from them will be appreciated.
Cook meals or bring food : like the tasks above cooking can also be challenging whilst grieving. So having someone doing the cooking or bringing cooked food for you that don’t have to prepare is a real help when feeling the effects of grief. I mentioned earlier how this helped me when I was really struggling with my grief, so I know how helpful it can be. If you can offer any supper like this it will make a big difference.
Help them with paperwork : after a death there is often admin and legal documents that need taking care of. You can offer to assist with any of the paperwork they have and they may be finding overwhelming. Even something as simple as cancelling a subscription in the deceaseds name can reduce the workload for the bereaved.
Send a thoughtful gift : a gift is a nice way of showing you’re thinking of them. If you were planning to send a card then a gift or flowers would go well with it. You can even make it personal to their father – something like a picture frame with picture of their dad would be a very touching gift.
Offer to help with funeral arrangements : arranging a funeral is a daunting task. There are many aspects to it and having to do it alone is tough. So you could offer to help with some parts of it or just attending the service with them.
Offer financial support : you should probably know the bereaved very well before offering any financial support but if you do it can be both appropriate and helpful. Grief can impact finances, causing unexpected expenses and the grieving family needing time off from work. So do consider it if you think it would help them out but be tactful if you’re going to.

Additional Resources

Band Back Together – a guide on how to cope with death of a parent.
Our House Grief – a guide to dealing with the loss of a parent as an adult.
Child Bereavement – a resource to help children cope with loss and grief.
Good Grief Podcast – After losing her mom and struggling with the grief Blake Kasemeier started the Good Grief podcast to talk about loss and mourning with both experts and through her own experience.
On Grieving the Death of a Father by Harold Ivan Smith – a collection of stories from various people all grieving the loss of their father. An insightful and moving look at the experience of grieving a parent.

What to write in a sympathy card for loss of father is hard. I hope these examples have helped you to offer support and comfort to someone whose dad passed away. It will be an incredibly tough time for them so try to be there and do whatever you can to make it easier whilst they grieve.

Sally Collins is a writer and the founder and owner of Sympathy Message Ideas. Her passion is to help others deal with grief and provide assistance with talking to those grieving. Learn more about Sally .

7 thoughts on “Words of Sympathy for Loss of Father: 90+ Heartfelt Messages”

That was very sympathetic. My friend has a diagnosed dad with brain tumor and I would like to make a card for her. Her dad is very nice. Thank you for ideas. I just want to make my best friend feel better than it seems. She means a lot to me. I try my best to comfort her and put her out of the misery she’s in but I can’t find many ways to help. If you care about exterminating brain tumor then please reply. Thanks a lot. Sincerely, Blue in Misery

Hi, a friend of mine had his dad pass away by a coronavirus, and one by brain tumour. I am very sorry to hear that happened.

My wife just lost her dad, I want the best words to tell her an her family

I jusf lost my Dady 9 days ago. It was very painful for me, because i did’nt go to his burial because of pandemic. We can’t make to be there even for the last time . I miss you and I love you Daddy. We know that you are in happy place now and no more pain.

I just lost my dad rip

Thank you. It’s not my first time that I have to say those words. However, whenever the time comes, it’s not easy to deliver my heart to the one who needs the supports. I believe your words would be a great help for those who needs comforts and find ways to provide the supports.

These are all great ideas. Thank you for taking the time to share these.

When my dad died, he left all his money to my brother. How do I get him to treat me fairly?

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For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
This week, a reader's dad died and left all his money to one sibling.
Our columnist says the situation isn't fair, but thoughtless actions aren't the same as unloving actions.
Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form .

Dear For Love & Money,

My dad died almost two years ago and left my younger brother and me here. Our mom and another brother passed many years ago. Growing up, my brother could do no wrong. He was always my dad's favorite.

When my dad got sick, my brother and I became close — or so I thought. We helped my dad's girlfriend with caregiver duties. My dad added my brother's name to his bank accounts and supposedly told him that was for him when he was gone. After my dad passed, my brother said that all that money was his now.

I feel betrayed again, not only by my dad but also by my brother. I feel he should share the money since just the two of us are left. That's what I would've done.

My dad also had a will and trust that left me as his representative, but because my brother's name was on the account, there's nothing I can do. I know my dad caused this situation, but my brother doesn't have to handle it like that. I just want to be treated equally to my brother. What should I do?

Least Favorite

Dear Least Favorite,

I'm sorry for your loss and for the years of your life that you spent feeling like your father's "least" favorite. I can't offer you any legal advice; unless he said otherwise in his will, the money in your father's bank account is now your brother's. This is unfair and unkind, and you have every right to feel the sting of it.

However, being mad at your dead father and resentful of your brother won't give you the life you deserve to live — a life free of jealousy and hurt where a memory of your dad doesn't ruin your day and a phone call from your brother doesn't feel like a stab to the heart. Escaping an emotional situation someone else put you in is never easy, so remember this process will be long and imperfect. Be gentle with yourself.

Letting go of old wounds can be challenging, but it will be worth it once you're on the other side. To get there, try reframing your perspective of the past. This will mean empathizing with your brother and your late father. I know this may sound unfair, considering they're the ones who made you feel left out, unappreciated, and deprioritized in the first place, but we can't limit our imagination to only our experiences.

I am the third of six siblings. I've always felt lost in my family. I remember driving seven hours to visit my family one weekend in my mid-20s. I had two toddlers and an infant in tow. The journey alone was a whole production.

And yet, once we arrived, only one of my sisters made any real time for me. My dad spent the weekend clearing a field, my mom had social obligations, and my other siblings didn't even bother with excuses. I'd given them plenty of advance notice, and still, they only had an hour or two to offer. It hurt.

I spent the afternoon with my grandparents, crying on their shoulders. My grandfather listened patiently, looked me in the eye, and responded, "You're one of six." As if this explained everything and ought to comfort me somehow.

At the time, it didn't, but years later, I understand what he was trying to say. While I still think their behavior was thoughtless and unkind, I realize that as much as they love me, I'm just another part of their lives they had to try and make work, and they had their own version of the story in which their behavior was perfectly justified. As someone who, like everyone else on the planet, also tells myself stories to explain and justify every good and bad choice I make, recognizing the humanity behind my family's poor decisions helped me understand it wasn't a personal snub.

My dad likely felt like he had to clear the land before the ground froze, and my mom probably made a commitment without realizing the date and didn't want to flake out on her friends. Their behavior demonstrated poor time management and shoddy social skills, but it didn't mean that they wanted me to feel rejected.

This reframing makes the insult of that weekend much easier to forgive, and thus, I don't have to carry around a story in my heart about my parents avoiding my company out of sheer dislike. Their mistakes are about their faults, not mine.

Your dad treated your brother like his favorite all your life, but that doesn't mean he loved him more than you. Maybe he and your brother shared more interests and your dad was too lazy to try new things. Maybe your dad felt bad for your brother because he always secretly felt you had more promise. Maybe something happened when your brother was little that your dad felt guilty about, and he spent the rest of his life making amends. Maybe a lot of things. But I'm confident it was never about you being unworthy of equal love.

The same goes for your brother hanging onto all of the money now. Maybe your dad meant to give it all to him because he knew your brother was in trouble financially, and that's why your brother is keeping it all to himself now. Maybe your brother made the whole thing up because he's just greedy. Either way, it's not about you receiving a smaller portion of love because they thought that's all you deserved.

Hold onto this truth, and let go of the rest. You deserve it.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form .

Watch: How diamond heists actually work, according to a former jewel thief

Main content

A father lost his son to sextortion swindlers. He helped the FBI find the suspects

A Pennsylvania father stricken by grief after his son's suicide helped the FBI locate and extradite two people from another continent on charges that they sexually extorted his son.

Sextortion is a fast-burgeoning crime problem in America and across the globe, resulting in over 20 suicides in the U.S. since 2021.

The typical scenario involves online swindlers lurking on social media, pretending to be attractive women and enticing young men to send nude or suggestive photographs. Once the charlatans have the photo, they use it to blackmail the victim by threatening to post the embarrassing image on Facebook or show it to the duped person's loved ones.

Federal agents and U.S. District Court documents say that's exactly what happened to an unsuspecting young man in Pennsylvania in 2023. An FBI affidavit says Imoleayo Samuel Aina and Samuel Olasunkanmi Abiodun, both of Nigeria, posed as a young girl and beguiled the man to send sexually explicit images of himself.

Aina and Abiodun threatened to publicize the photos unless he sent them $1,000, the U.S. Attorney's Office of the Eastern District of Pennsylvania said in a statement. The FBI called the scheme financially motivated sextortion .

USA TODAY is not naming the deceased man or his father out of respect for their privacy.

Court records show Aina and Abiodun were arrested by Nigerian authorities on Sept. 14 and Sept. 3, respectively. They were extradited to the U.S. on July 31. Aina faces U.S. charges of cyberstalking, interstate threat to injure reputation, and receiving proceeds of extortion; Abiodun is charged with wire fraud and money laundering conspiracy.

If convicted, Aina faces a maximum life sentence and Abiodun faces a maximum of 40 years in prison.

Roberta O'Malley, assistant professor of criminology at the University of South Florida, told USA TODAY that in her research of 215 men who were sexually extorted, half told her they had thoughts of death or suicide. She alluded to that coming from feelings of guilt or shame for being targeted, which trickled down to many declining law enforcement involvement and to social withdrawal.

"Those individuals who experienced suicidal ideation as a byproduct of financial sextortion were also the people who either reported feeling a lot of shame and guilt or having these really negative somatic symptoms as well," O'Malley said.

Father uses son's phone to help FBI locate suspects

After the man's death, his father accessed his son's iPhone and read notifications from an email and social media accounts used by Aina and Abiodun for the scheme, according to court documents.

FBI Special Agent Jennifer Zenszer said the two Nigerian men had sent a text to the victim threatening to publicize sexual images of him if he didn't reply and send cash.

"The extortion scheme that targeted (the victim) is consistent with a trend of foreign-based organized groups targeting victims in the United States in various sextortion schemes," she wrote.

She added the schemes involved playing as a young attractive woman typically to young men to get sexually explicit photos, then threatening to post them online unless the victim pays money through third-party banking apps or cryptocurrency - all of which happened in the Pennsylvania case.

The FBI obtained several subpoenas and warrants to link Aina to email and WhatsApp accounts used to contact the victim. Abiodun owned the Snapchat, bank and Bitcoin accounts, according to court papers.

The victim's dad and an undercover FBI employee helped get information from the two Nigerians by posing as a teen and the victim, according to the federal affidavit.

A third man, Afeez Olatunji Adewale, was interviewed by the FBI where he told agents about the cybercrime scheme, called "Yahoo" in Nigeria, and people involved are "Yahoo Boys."

Zenszer wrote Adewale told agents he knows Abiodun does other fraud activities and is involved in a large range of "Yahoo" because of his screenshots of money coming from different vendors. Adewale admitted he was sending and receiving money from December 2022 to January 2023 on Abiodun's behalf.

"When asked by interviewing agents if Adewale considers Abiodun a 'Yahoo Boy,' Adewale answered, 'Hell ya,'" Zenszer wrote.

The two called the victim eight times and received $1,000 from the victim just before his suicide. Abiodun and Aina were interviewed by the FBI and the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission law enforcement agency in Nigeria, where they allegedly confessed to agents about receiving money and using financially motivated sextortion.

Law enforcement involvement is rare in such cases. O'Malley said 20% of the victims she spoke to didn't report it to police because of feelings of shame and doubt if police would fully investigate the crime.

"There's this other element of self-blame where they really just don't want to report, and they feel very self-conscious doing so," she said.

Changes are coming to help survivors of sextortion

Sextortion is a federal crime and some states are stepping up to pass laws banning nonconsensual distribution of sexual photos, commonly referred as revenge porn, O'Malley said. The Senate Judiciary Committee held a hearing in January with leaders of social media companies to pressure them to act and prevent children from being exploited on their platforms.

It's one of many ways she said society is starting to more strongly address sextortion. Support groups are growing , she said.

"I think people becoming more aware of this kind of crime is always going to kind of reduce stigma in terms of those who've been victimized," she said.

With many of the perpetrators of sextortion located outside of the U.S., O'Malley said an arrest isn't likely to happen. But with advancements in technology and the Justice Department taking a strong interest in investigating the crimes, more tools are available to help victims at least attempt to remove sextorted images.

The FBI has requested that anyone or their loved ones are involved in sextortion, to call the department at 1-800-225-5324 or report it online at Tips.FBI.gov .

"If they can prevent the spread of their images by using kind of more of these technological solutions, such as NCMEC Take it Down initiative , that can really relieve a lot of anxiety for victims, because that's really the thing that they're most concerned about, is their image living online," O'Malley said.

If you or someone you know is or could be a victim of online sexual violence, including sextortion, organizations like the National Sexual Violence Resource Center are here to help survivors and their loved ones . Visit NSVRC.org for help and support.

If you or someone you know needs mental health resources and support, please call, text, or chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or visit 988lifeline.org for 24/7 access to free and confidential services.

Contact reporter Krystal Nurse at [email protected]. Follow her on X, formerly Twitter, @KrystalRNurse .

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Candice Miller, in a white summer dress, poses for a portrait with her husband, Brandon Miller, in a light blue shirt. Both are holding wine glasses.

How an Instagram-Perfect Life in the Hamptons Ended in Tragedy

Candice and Brandon Miller showed the public a world of glittering parties and vacations. The money to sustain it did not exist.

Candice and Brandon Miller. In photographs shared online, their lives were full of parties and luxurious vacations. Credit... Joe Schildhorn/BFA.com, via Shutterstock

Supported by

By Katherine Rosman

Published Aug. 8, 2024 Updated Aug. 9, 2024

In the modern Gilded Age of New York, where Instagram is awash in unrestrained displays of wealth, Brandon and Candice Miller were royalty.

At their 10th wedding anniversary “Midsummer Night’s Dream” party, they celebrated with a few dozen friends in the backyard of their 5,500-square-foot vacation home in the Hamptons.

Beautiful women in gowns watched with their handsome husbands as the couple renewed their vows near a swimming pool strewn with peonies and rose petals beneath a canopy of lights.

It was a grand public display of their perfect life and marriage. Ms. Miller told a lifestyle blogger who wrote about the party that her husband’s speech “made me cry by the end with his authentic, raw emotion and romantic words.”

It all culminated in the kind of envy-inducing images anticipated by the roughly 80,000 followers of “Mama and Tata,” Ms. Miller’s popular Instagram feed, which featured a near-constant stream of photographs and videos of her glittering life.

The Midsummer Night party was in 2019. Five years later, the glamorous image that Ms. Miller cultivated and promoted has disappeared, replaced with heartbreak, anger and a mountain of once-secret debt.

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Sally Field Says Robin Williams Changed 'Mrs. Doubtfire' Schedule Following the Death of Her Father

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Stories of Robin Williams' kindness and generosity to those he loved and worked with are seemingly endless, and even 10 years after his death new anecdotes about his decency and humanity are still surfacing from those who knew him.

In a new interview with Vanity Fair , Oscar winner Sally Field reflected on her time with Williams while filming the beloved 1993 comedy Mrs. Doubtfire , and shared a story she "never told before" about how he facilitated her getting the chance to mourn her father's death as they were shooting the movie.

"I was in the camper outside of the courtroom where we were shooting the divorce scene. My father had a stroke a couple of years before, and was in a nursing facility. I got a phone call from the doctor saying my father had passed -- a massive stroke," Field explained. "He asked if I wanted them to put him on the resuscitator. I said, "No, he did not want that. Just let him go. And please lean down and say, 'Sally says goodbye.'"

Field said she overcome with grief in that moment, but forced herself not to cry -- instead she "came on the set trying with all my might to act."

"I wasn't crying [but] Robin came over, pulled me out of the set, and asked, 'Are you OK?'" she shared. When she eventually told Williams about her father dying, she said Williams responded, "Oh my God, we need to get you out here right now."

According to Field, Williams "made it happen." He talked with director Chris Columbus and they figured out how to shoot the scenes they needed without Field needing to be on set for the day. Field said that meant "I could go back to my house, call my brother and make arrangements."

"It's a side of Robin that people rarely knew: He was very sensitive and intuitive," Field said.

Back in January, ET spoke with Williams' daughter , filmmaker Zelda Williams, at the premiere of her film Lisa Frankenstein, where she shared her earliest memories of visiting her dad on set.

"I was fascinated by it early," Zelda said of Robin's work in the arts. "When you're that young, I don't think you grasp that it's a job, really -- just like a fun thing you go and visit."

She recalled visiting her father on the set of the 1999 sci-fi comedy-drama Bicentennial Man , directed by Columbus as well.

"That was when I was old enough to really understand that there was a whole bunch of jobs you could also do," Zelda shared. "And that set was really beautiful. Chris Columbus runs a really wonderful set and he's such a kind human that I think you weren't walking into a space that felt tense as well."

Williams tragically died by suicide on August 11, 2014. He was 63. Williams shared daughter Zelda, 34, and son Cody, 32, with ex-wife Marsha Garces. He was also dad to 41-year-old Zak Williams, whom he shared with his first wife, Valerie Velardi.

Updates on Celebrity News, TV, Fashion and More!

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Robin williams changed ‘mrs. doubtfire’ filming order so sally field could leave set after her father died.

Sally Field shared a never-before-heard story of her “Mrs. Doubtfire” co-star, the late Robin Williams.

The 77-year-old actress starred alongside Williams in the 1993 iconic family comedy. Thirty years later, Field expressed her appreciation for the actor, who died in 2014 at 63, revealing in a recent interview with Vanity Fair that she confided in him when her father passed away.

Field and Williams were filming “Mrs. Doubtfire” when her dad died. She refused to interrupt production with the personal family matter — until the leading man and his intuition stepped in.

Robin Williams and Sally Field at an event in June 2008.

“I never shared this story before,” Field said. “I was in the camper outside of the courtroom where we were shooting the divorce scene. My father had a stroke a couple of years before, and was in a nursing facility. I got a phone call from the doctor saying my father had passed — a massive stroke. He asked if I wanted them to put him on the resuscitator. I said, ‘No, he did not want that. Just let him go. And please lean down and say, ‘Sally says goodbye.'”

Sally Field's late father, Richard Dryden Field.

Field said she was “beside myself,” revealing, “I came on the set trying with all my might to act. I wasn’t crying. Robin came over, pulled me out of the set, and asked, ‘Are you okay?’”

When the actress finally told Williams about her father’s death, he took action.

“Oh my God, we need to get you out here right now,” he reportedly responded.

“And he made it happen — they shot around me the rest of the day,” Field stated. “I could go back to my house, call my brother and make arrangements. It’s a side of Robin that people rarely knew: He was very sensitive and intuitive.”

“Mrs. Doubtfire” featured Williams as a father who started dressing up like a female housekeeper so his estranged wife, played by Field, would employ him and, in turn, he could see their children.

Matthew Lawrence, Lisa Jakub, Robin Williams, Mara Wilson, Sally Field in "Mrs. Doubtfire."

Despite the movie only scoring one nomination and win for Best Makeup at the 66th Annual Academy Awards, it was second highest-grossing film of 1993, with $441 million worldwide.

Field was one of Williams’ many colleagues who shared their fond memories of him ahead of the 10-year anniversary of his untimely passing. Billy Crystal, Matt Damon, Ben Stiller, Al Pacino, Jeff Bridges, and Julianne Moore were also featured.

Co-stars Robin Williams, Sally Field, Pierce Brosnan.

The two-time Emmy winner took his own life on August 11, 2014, at his California home. At the time, it was claimed his death by hanging was the result of severe depression and a Parkinson’s disease diagnosis.

However, the autopsy later revealed that Williams was suffering from an incurable neurological disorder called Lewy body dementia that went undiagnosed. The disease hinders thinking ability, causes visual hallucinations, and changes in behavior or mood.

Robin Williams with wife Susan Schneider (L) and daughter Zelda Williams.

Williams’ widow, Susan Schneider Williams, addressed the diagnosis in the 2020 documentary, “Robin’s Wish.”

“We had unknowingly been battling a deadly disease,” she said in the doc. “A disease for which there is no cure. The devastation on Robin’s brain from Lewy bodies was one of the worst cases medical professionals have ever seen, yet throughout all of this his heart remained strong.”

Besides Susan, Williams left behind three children: Zak, 41, from his first wife, Valerie Velardi; Zelda, 35, and Cody, 31, whom he shared with his second wife, Marsha Garces.

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Understanding grief when losing a father

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4. Depression

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How to cope with loss of father

Honoring memories

Building a support network

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