discipline for not doing homework

What to Do When Teens Refuse to Do Homework or Fail a Class

Some teens are naturally motivated and others are not. Some teens are able to succeed at school with ease, and others struggle. But, what is a parent to do when their teen simply refuses to do homework or is suddenly failing a class? Experts recommend parents work to discover the root cause and creatively problem solve with their teen.

Most of the time, parents feel a little shocked when they are confronted with a school problem. Maybe your teen has outright refused to do any work, or maybe you received a notice from the teacher, or maybe you got a disappointing surprise on their interim report. Whatever has brought the problem to your attention, it’s important to take a deep breath and work to understand the issue. The first step is to ask your teen what is going on. Notice the word ask. That means you don’t start the conversation with accusations, yelling, blame, or threats. Instead, enter into the conversation with a sense of curiosity to see if you can help uncover the possible reasons why he or she isn’t getting their homework done or passing the class.

Determine the Root Cause

If your teen refuses to do homework or is failing a class, don’t jump to the conclusion that he is simply acting out of defiance. More than likely, there is some underlying problem(s) contributing to the issue. For example, stress, bullying issues at school, classes that are too advanced, test-taking anxiety, too many absences, learning disabilities, and depression are all possible problems that can contribute to behavior changes. Remember that when high school students fall behind in their classes for any reason (absence, material too difficult, bad test-taking day), catching up can be quite difficult. When grades begin to plummet, many teens give up. Talk to them about their struggles. Ask them: “How is your current situation different from how you would like it to be?”

Separately, parents should talk to the teen’s teacher to obtain their thoughts and perspectives. Again, parents should enter such a conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen to the teacher’s opinion.

Develop Solutions with Your Teen

Once parents feel like they understand the problem, they should sit down with their teenager and brainstorm a list of possible solutions to the given situation. They can ask their son or daughter what they have already tried before (whether it’s in this situation or in similar situations in the past), and what outcomes they experienced. Ask them to predict likely consequences, both positive and negative, for each possibility. Teens should be encouraged to not limit themselves, but to come up with as many options as possible, even if they seem unrealistic, because this creative process may help generate even better solutions. Once you have made a list of options together, help your teen narrow them down. For each option, consider how realistic it is, how likely the teen would be to implement it, and the potential obstacles.

Sometimes, homework or grade battles simply need a creative solution. For example, some teens are willing to stay after school to complete their homework, so long as they don’t have to do work at home. Other teens need some control over when they are going to do their work, so they may need to unwind for an hour after school and then do their work. Teens who are failing due to a learning disability or missed schoolwork, might be willing to work with a tutor. Parents should offer their own ideas, but MUST be willing to try their teen’s suggestions and ideas. The process of identifying the problem and developing the solution will empower your child, give them a sense of ownership in fixing the problem, and will ultimately give them confidence when they overcome the issue.

Additionally, parents should help their teen establish healthy study habits that will allow him/her to be successful. Some good study habits include: creating a designated homework time and space, removing distractions including electronics, being available to help your teen when they have a problem or get frustrated, teaching them time management skills, and helping them to get organized. You can learn more from our previous blog, Good Study Habits in Teens .

Establish Expectations and Rules

In general, parents should establish rules and expectations about homework based on their individual child. For example, if you have a teen who is fairly responsible with his homework most of the time, it may be appropriate to allow him/her to face the natural consequences of a bad grade or detention when he/she doesn’t do their work.

However, if you have a child who is refusing to do homework or is failing, and you’ve done the previous steps to try to find the problem and have discovered there is no underlying problem, then rules are warranted. Establish appropriate expectations, and more importantly, develop rewards for following them and consequences for not. Then you must follow through on your plan. For example, create small measurable goals. If your teen puts in a lot of effort for 30 minutes, then he gets a 10-minute break. Or consequently, confiscate his electronics each day until he completes his homework. Phones, tablets and other electronics are a privilege, and he cannot earn them if he chooses to not do his work.

Final Thoughts…

Experts say that the best thing parents can do when faced with school problem is stay calm and open-minded. Nagging and lecturing – although tempting parenting techniques – are never effective and usually harm your relationship. Bribing your teen to get work done can sometimes work in the short run, but quickly loses its appeal to your child and can actually instill a “what’s in it for me” attitude. Additionally, threatening a consequence that you will never follow-through on will only reinforce the negative behavior. Instead, follow the tips above to discover the problem and creatively solve it with your teen. Not only will it truly address the problem, it will also teach your teen how to address future challenges.

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38 comments.

I’m 15 and one problem I have with school is just the way it prevents me from living life. I have so many plans but all of them have to wait so long to accomplish. It just feels like school is holding me back and having to go through it is pointless until I get to the degrees I actually want. I want to get a degree in business and marketing and become an entrepreneur but to do so I’ll have to go through lots of school that, while it may be useful in some way, doesn’t feel useful at all right now. I could just drop out of course since you don’t need a degree to become an entrepreneur, but I want the business knowledge to help me succeed. Not to mention the fact that becoming a dropout can have bad effects on your social life and the way people think of you. I could start it while in school, but finding the time to do that with all the schooling, homework, and extracurricular activities I have would be a nightmare. It causes lots of internal conflict and drains all motivation to do school.

Im in the same boat for the 2nd year in a row. We did counseling, intervention school program for 6months straight, tutoring and he still fail math and science. Everyone says he’s lazy and has no deficiencies. This year he’s still failing science english and math. Only had an A in PE. He goes to school everyday and nothing is working. At what point do I say oh well you don’t care so I won’t either. There’s only 5 1/2 years left until he’s 18 and I feel time is running out.

I have a grandson in same situation. The best I can see is a junior carpenter course or business course.

My 17 year old son is unmotivated, is not doing his homework and as a consequence he is failing his classes, most of the time he don’t want to go to the school. he is taking 5 AP classes as his own decision but is not doing the work that those classes required and refused to drop them. I don’t know what to do, he wants to get a job and i am supporting him in apply, but i want him to finish school but he is not doing anything. I spoke with the school counselor and we are considering drop some of his classes but i don’t want my son feels more depressed if we do it. I trying to be patient and talk to him but he is not motivated about school at all. Please help

I can say “ditto” to almost everything you’ve mentioned. We have a 17 year old son. He’s also taking AP courses but has refused to do any hw since about October and is failing several classes badly. The last 1.5 years have been out of character in that he normally worked hard and wouldn’t quit on things – over time we’ve seen him slowly quit on one thing after another (and not just in academics). Now it’s piling up.

When his parents ask, a counselor asks, the pastor asks, or his teachers ask “why aren’t you doing hw?” the answer is always “i don’t know…” and then some circular reasoning about things that aren’t really relevant. He does very well on almost all the exams but it’s not enough in highschool if you don’t do any HW (or sometimes fail to turn in quizzes).

It’s quite sad, he has no happiness in anything or desire for anything except to watch youtubers talking about random inconsequential things. If we take away the computer he sits in a dark room with lights off telling us he can waste time in other ways besides watching youtube if needed. When we ask serious questions respectfully he tears up but then quickly puts on a blank face.

We’ve met with professional counselors but so far haven’t identified the root issue. He’s not clinically depressed. Like you we don’t want to demoralize him further by pulling him out of the things he’s doing in school but soon we may have a highly gifted kid who fails a year of highschool and next year will probably not be any better at this rate.

My brother is the same way! very bright kid, but refuses to do any homework. Would rather play games and watch videos. He is also becoming quite rude to his teachers, we haven’t figure out the root issue. At this point, we are just letting him fail, maybe he needs to learn the hard way..

Our son is just like yours; has always been considered exceptional, showing great potential, but now completely uncaring about anything and unmotivated to do any schoolwork. Since online learning became mandatory he will log into his classes then do other things. As a result he’s failing 3 classes and barely passing 2 others. This started the second part of his junior year and has continued this year. It’s gone from thinking about what college to try for to blowing off the SAT test, failing classes and now possibly not graduating High School. (This from a kid who took the PSAT’s in 10th grade and scored 1360 without studying). We understand that there may be some underlying issue and reason for his lack of motivation so we approach it in a caring way (most days). He’s not defiant, just completely unmotivated. I think back to the day years ago when the schools all announced they would be switching entirely to computer learning. That essentially means without internet kids cannot due schoolwork. How do you discipline or have structure with school work when kids have all these temptations and distractions right in front of them to click on? If book learning was still in place simply turning off the internet and allowing it for certain times as a reward would be ideal. Instead we have a nation of distracted, unfocused, addicted to electronics young people. We took a step back from expectations and now are focused more on his emotional and physical well being. Just getting him to graduate is the aim, then maybe encouraging him to get a job after graduating. If there was a life course for kids who need a sense of direction in a supportive, encouraging way I would like to know about it.

I get it. I am in the same position as your son right now. I am in my sophomore year of high school and I can’t really explain it but when second semester started, I was so unmotivated to do anything. Of course, I’ve never been inspired or motivated for school, but I’ve never been a bad student either. Well, at least not until I started completely ignoring my work and letting it pile up so bad that I have begun to lose all hope. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve completely lost all motivation and initiative to do my work. Since this quarantine, everything has gotten worse. I have all F’s except for in art class. In art, I believe I still have a B or at least a C. However, I don’t check anymore because I am scared to look at my grades as it reminds me of my constant failure. Of course, I take full responsibility for my wrongful actions. I know what I’m doing right now is not going to get me anywhere but held back in my academics, but for some reason I keep diving head first into this endless black hole of failure and despondency. It started out as procrastination. I’ve never had any enthusiasm about school work and have always been a procrastinator, even in middle school, but since going into high school…it’s gotten MUCH worse. I find myself day-dreaming and fantasizing about this “perfect” productive life and thinking a lot about the future while not taking recognition of the fact that I am so far behind, I may not have a future. Basically, I have a very active imagination and can sometimes channel this habit of mine to idealize my life and future- it’s almost like I’m living in this made up world of assurance and protection for myself where everything is going to work out the way I want it to unlike in reality. I have always been a very sensitive and easily downed child, so when I entered into high school pessimistic thoughts would flood my mind over and over again (more than usual). I don’t claim to have a problem (mentally) nor have I ever been diagnosed with anything (although I’ve never been checked for anything since I don’t normally express my stress and depression to people- not even family, not that they’d take much notice anyway). I also have no solution to this reoccurring problem of mine yet. However, the one thing I’d recommend you do is let your son get a job. As ridiculous as it sounds to let him get a job when he can’t even focus on school (which I do agree that education is more important than a job, in some cases), I think a job might make him less obstinate or noncompliant, as well as teach him some responsibility. It can also help if he is going through something right now like early senioritis/senioritis and/or slight or mild depression and stress. I don’t know exactly how to explain this, but when I think about getting a job I think about being able to provide for myself and getting myself better things and the proper stuff I need to stay motivated and consistent. If you’re son is anything like me, he will feel like this too. He may, however, already have everything he needs (or that you think he needs), but being able to work hard for and earn our own money makes us feel more like we’ve got everything together. Besides, there are some things that kids don’t want to bother their parents for, so we like to take it upon ourselves and try to figure it out for ourselves. This is all a part of growing up. A job may help with this. With a job, he would learn responsibility. Also, since he would be getting an immediate reaction out of a job (i.e. money and with that money comes self-gifting/purchasing something for himself with his hard earned money, which can prove to be quite awarding for a teenager or really anyone), he might appreciate the achievements he makes more rather than if he were getting a reward/reaction in school (i.e. a “good job” or a temporarily good feeling, which may not always be enough if we’re being honest here). I would also recommend getting him a trustworthy guide/ or guidance counselor that can be with him every step of the way to make sure he completes all of his work until he is ready to do that for himself. I know he is in high school and shouldn’t need someone like that but sometimes we need a bit of a push, so having someone to sit there and help him with homework/ monitor or guide him as he finished everything will help. He may be interested in other things as well- things that his school does not provide. So, I would personally recommend getting him more interested in better hobbies (not too much as sports since that can just add to the stress) but finding things that he is passionate in and allowing himself to do those things. However, this can be tricky because if his passion is something like YouTube, gaming, etc., he may confuse this with meaning he should submerse himself in these tricky habits and that will distract him from school/work even more. So, I’d say if he were interested in something like YouTube get him to do things relative to that activity, but also relative to school (e.g. watching videos on self-improvement/educational videos and including YouTube videos daily into his routine to help with his homework or just giving him a temporary break every now and then as a reward). I know this may seem kind of like babying him, but I’m saying to maybe just follow these simple steps as to monitor and guide him and before you know it, he’s developing these better habits on his own w/o help from anyone! Please take my advice because, being in the same situation right now as your son, I would love for my parents to show this much concern and initiative for me! Also, last but not least, let him know that in order to get where he want to be in life (goals or paths they want to follow in order to be truly happy) they have to get it over with and finish high school first. That way when the time comes and they graduate, they can take whatever necessary steps they need in order to get to where they need/want to be and hopefully by then they will have a better mindset for their future! He could also be going through something or experiencing a lot of stress, so please continue to be there for him and talk to him! As well as just let him know that you’re there whenever he needs you and be more approachable by (with all due respect) nagging less and exhibiting/practicing more communication and reasoning/understanding with your child!

p.s. invest in an agenda/journal that they can keep up with! they can write lingering deep and personal thoughts and/or use it as a planner to stay ahead of the game and follow along with school/work better.

Olivia – THANK YOU!!!! You have no idea how much your post helped me! My son is 13 and just started with the missing assignments this year. At first, I reacted with anger, but then I could see in his eyes that he was hurting, so I changed my tone and started help him instead. According to your post, I am heading in the right direction with him. Today, we sat down together and went through his work to see what he has coming up and he wrote it all in his new planner. He was way more responsive to that than the yelling.

Again, Thank you so much for taking the time to help parents…that is quite noble. Oh, and BTW, your writing is awesome – good grammar and well written. I have never seen such writing from a teenager before. Way to go!

Hi Olivia thanks for helping us. But my child, she would come home and goes into her room and be on her phone and then lie and says she is doing her homework and that its completed and submited. Then I will get an email from her teachers. Everyday. She is a sophomore and I have try to be good and nice to her but I can’t do it no more.

Olivia I love your post and just like Lisa said your a great writer and I think you would be great as a writer someday. Keep up the good work with your writing because I see you going places just go with it. Find something you love to do that will help motivate you to succeed in all your classes. Take care my dear!

I have an 11yr old son in his 1st yr of middle school. He’s failing 3 classes and C’s and D’s in the other classes. He’s been in therapy he is in intervention at school and has a whole team working to get him back on track and he’s getting worst. He lies about everything. He doesn’t do his classwork, his h.w., fails test, loses all his school supplies and refuses to go to after school tutoring. Everything has been taken away from him and he doesn’t care. He just started acting up in class and he blamed it on the other kids and the teacher. I don’t know what to do. Professionals tell me there’s no learning disability or ADD or ADHD. I’m doing everything what is left to do!?!?

You are doing a great job! You have gotten him professional help in therapy and are working with the school. Those are the most important things, and I commend you in taking those important steps. This type of situation is not fixed quickly. The therapy will take time, but don’t stop. In addition, every child is different, so there is no one right or wrong way to help them. I encourage you to read a couple of other articles that might offer you some ideas:

For dealing with an unmotivated teen: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2013/07/15/when-your-teen-lacks-direction/ For dealing with a teen who lies: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2010/07/22/teens-and-lying/

There is a root cause to your son’s behavior, and it will take time to discover it. For example, some teens feel they are protecting themselves from failure by not caring or committing to anything. Other teens are so overwhelmed by stress, they withdraw. Others become so focused on their peers, their only motivation is to enhance their “image.” Your son’s therapist will be vital in discovering the root cause. And if that therapist doesn’t seem to be able to determine the root cause, then don’t hesitate to try another one. Your son and the therapist have to “click” for any progress to be made.

Parenting is such a difficult job, but I encourage you to take one day at a time and look for the positive qualities in your son that you can genuinely praise – that will make both of you feel better. Best of luck!

Jaz, Please tell me you have found something that has helped. I could have written this word-for-word myself right down to the age, grade and excuses. I am feeling soo helpless and frustrated at this point.

I have a 14 and a 13 year old they refused to do work for the longest time I’m a step-mom its been difficult we took away everything (even non electronics) all they had was school work and chores. So now they are home schooled and they have finally started doing chores and a little more homework (yes they do fight but a lot less. Our 8 year old does everything she needs to do. The oldest still refuses to do math and the 13 year old has been rude because he doesn’t want to do anything still but he does it. Just put your foot down.

I have a 17 year old son is getting almost all F in high school. I don’t see him do homework and he doesn’t seem to care. he mention something about joining the marines but nowdoesn’t seem interested. He spent a lot time with friend that are good influence . I cannot force him to do anything . At first I took everything away and still nothing change. He does chores once in awhile. I am alone working two jobs. with six children to raise.

I have a 15 year old daughter, she has been failing school since 6th grade. By the end of the year the teachers enter a grade just high enough to pass her. I have tried everything that I can think of. Read every thing I can get my hands on and tried it all. Nothing works. She has lost all electronics, been grounded and she is in therapy. I am so stressed out over her that I tend to get a bit mean sometimes ( not a good thing and it makes me feel bad ) I am tired at this point and giving up. SHE JUST DOES NOT CARE!!

This is definitely a difficult issue for many parents! You are not alone! When situations get really tough, and the parents have tried all the traditional approaches, it’s often time to get outside help. A family therapist or a local Family Crisis Intervention Unit can work with both the parents and the teen to find a resolution. There is no easy solution, but with patience and professional guidance, it is possible to get to a better place!

I am not alone 🙁

My son is 15 years old. We have enrolled him in the on-campus ROTC program as well as contacted the counselors and all teachers. He is even going to tutoring three times a week after school. He still seems to have no interest in studying or doing his homework. I have addressed all the issues that I think you may have. I have questioned him grounded him and have taken away All Electronics indefinitely. What do you do if this problem has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of school? He has even threatened to quit school. My problem is that I’m the only one that seems to care about his grades. His blatant disregard for his grades is causing me stress and not him. I feel for all parents going through this situation because we can care all day long but until he cares nothing will change

I’m so sorry that you are going through this! Nothing is more difficult than wanting the best for your child, but watching them throw it away. I know you feel helpless, stressed and frustrated. You are not alone – many parents go through this difficulty! Unfortunately, there is no easy solution or perfect answer – every situation and every person is different. However, we highly recommend that you read our previous blog, https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/motivating-a-teen-to-change-destructive-behaviors/ because it addresses many of these issues you are talking about. We also always encourage families in these situations to seek out family counseling. Sometimes an outside observer can offer ideas that we never think of ourselves! We wish you the very best of luck!

I am going through the same exact thing. My son is almost 13. The feeling of hopelessness is setting in so fast for me. Like your situation, he doesn’t seem to care whatsoever about failing. I almost wish there was a root cause i can identify with other than “I hate school work”, like a bullying problem, or depression, etc.

We have done all of the above. no results. Its so heart-breaking. The last and only thing he LOVES to do and looks forward to is hockey and we finally took that away last night.

He isn’t a disrespectful kid, he doesn’t act out, he loves to hang out with the family and enjoys having conversations on politics, history and current events. Just hates school work.

Since you posted this, have you tried something different that has given you results? Any suggestion would be so welcomed.

my daugther is the same. Instead of hockey is ballet. I am at my wits end. She is a bright xhild who had all As in the first quarter, then started lowering her grades anf I realized it was because she was not doing her homework. She got 3 Ds in the 3rd quarter on the 3 subjects that she does not like: math and office productivity and the one that she needs to put a little effort. As in the rest because ahe like it. I have taken electronics and let her therapist know. We do have screaming matches and eventually she calms down and understands that she os not doing her work but in 1 or 2 weeks she is at it again. She is a good child, kind and very smart. I have asked during lenghty sensivle conversations why she is not doing her homework and her response is always ‘I don’t know’. She also lies about having finished her homework to get to do something fun and I don’t find out until later. I really don’t kbow what else to do but I don’t want next year to be like this one so I have already told her there will be no extracurricular classes next year if her 4th quarter is like her 3rd but we are 3 weeks into it and she is still not doing her homework.

Your son sounds like my son. He is not disrespectful and a joy to be around. All he cares about his soccer. He is a freshman in high school with low grades (failing algebra..I got him a tutor). He doesn’t care about failing. His attitude is “I’ll take it next year.” What did you do with your son? Please help me help my son.

My step son 13 and a freshman in high school. He just will not do him homework at all… He doesnt miss school but he is failing all classes. Terrible test scores and is down right disrespectful to his teachers peers and to his little brothers too. Tried everything… He doesnt seem to want to anything to help. Any advise?

Our son was adopted, lost his adoptive parents and we are the fourth set of parents he has known. he is partially sighted, has ADHD, and severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. Follow the above… It does work… We moved all his electronic devices into different rooms: some rooms give him privacy, some rooms makE sure he has time with us so we keep up with who we are dealing with and we are building a good study pattern for his main exams and we are all getting to know each other much better. The important thing was to take the additive habit of electronic gadgets away. He now does more activities with us and opening up more. We worked together on a ladder chart that you climb as he accomplishes main milestones. If he is unsuccessful we have built in backup options or ways to get there. It has all the things he needs to do to get what he wants and the consequences if he misses a step or two he has backup steps. we got the school involved too and the college we hope he goes to for his choice in his career.

OMG I am living all of these nightmare with my 15 and 12 year old. Just got an email today that my 12 year old had 30 minutes to do an assignment and turned it in blank. WTH

I have the same problem with one of my son’s he just doesn’t care. The last 2 years of middle school he flunked a couple of classes during one semester then turned around a little bit and passed the next semester by a narrow margin. Went to summer school for the flunked classes and since the summer school is all online he completed both classes in a week and a half. This year he is a freshman in high school and he is failing all his classes, except 2 English and ROTC. His dad and I are at our wits end.

I think we should pray for them and encourage ,lets talk to them what they would like to become ,give them time to think and show love to them.

I have the same exact situation as Cat and Pete. My daughter is 14 years old. She has ALWAYS has a problem with homework. And its not just getting it done, its turning it in too. She just doesn’t seem to care. I know its not because she is having issues with the work itself because some of her missing work is for a Health class. This is easy stuff! She loves to read and is very good at it. She scores at a college level. She has to complete a reading log for her English class and she failed it last month because she didn’t complete any of it. And this is something that she IS actually completing. In my eyes, its pure laziness. I have taken away everything you can imagine. Phone, video games, TV privileges and nothing seems to “get to her”. The other day she sat at the kitchen table and literally refused to do any homework. She just sat there and scribbled on a notepad. I don’t know what to do. Im at a loss. Im exhausted from getting emails from all her teachers saying how bad she is doing. I tired of talking with her about it and getting yelled at for it. Any suggestions would be MUCH appreciated.

Maybe homeschooling her. Or an online school.

I feel the same. Sometimes I just feel like I’m the bad parent. My son is the same. I have so many talks to him and explain to the best of my ability how important it is and I am here to help him. But all he does is continue with what his doing or roll his eyes. Feeling frustrated.

Look like you are just describing my 11 year old daughter, and she is not just refusing to do her homework, but she also refuses to clean her room or help with anything in the house!! she is also very good reader and i´m always pointing on that as a very positive thing!, the teachers wont stop email me at least once at week by 5 teachers its to much to handle for me!! I´m about to be on strikes as a mom.. it´s being more than a year when you write here, did you find the solution?? did your daughter got any better?

Hey Fabs! No unfortunately I have still not found a solution. She is now 15 and a Freshman in high school. She has been failing both Math and Science since the beginning of the school year. She NEVER brings homework home to work on. She never even brings a backpack to school! I am seriously at a loss with her. I just keep telling her now that she is in High School and her grades are more important than ever. If she fails a class, she has to make it up either in the summer or next school year but that doesn’t really seem to faze her. She simply just doesn’t care. She just keeps telling me that its her life and I shouldn’t care. She never does anything around the house and when we do ask her to do something simple, she gets so angry right away. I hate to say it, but she’s just selfish. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and is only nice to us when she wants something. People just keep telling me this is typical teenage behavior but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating to deal with.

The comment made by Cat could have been written by me. Our son is exactly this and the same age. The article is good. However, we are not looking at a ‘change’ in behaviour, my son has NEVER done any homework. He just flatly refuses. He gets more and more referrals and then detentions. He just doesn’t seem to care! People say, ‘start with communication’ but he just won’t talk about it. All he says is, ‘I don’t care.’ We have tried homework club where he attends for one hour each week. This worked for a while but then he forgets and then is behind and gets another detention. He ended last year with 180 negative referral points. We were shocked when his 3yrs elder sister received just one. Little did we know what was coming! We have met with his teachers on my occasions. They have been very supportive, but still no result. They don’t have a school councillor as such. We have absolutely no idea how to connect with this child. Any help, from anyone, would be very, very most welcome.

We have a 14 year old 8th grader and nothing seems to work. He starts off each year with a “this year will be different” and then it goes downhill from there with him barely passing. We have tried reward. Didn’t work. This year we have slowly removed electronics until now he’s facing a summer with no electronics of any sort. It doesn’t seem to be working. His teachers complain that he’s not turning in work and spending most of his days staring at the walls. He just says he hates the teachers and the school work but loves seeing his friends at school. At this point in the year he has a B, a C, a D and 3 F’s. Once again, if his grades don’t change he will pass with about a quarter of a grade clearance. My husband contends that just getting harder on him will work. I’m not so sure. I think he’s at the age where he knows what to do, he’s just refusing to do it. He is a good kid otherwise. He’s been offered rewards for doing work but that isn’t working. He enters High School next year and we are not sure what to do. If we spend a lot of money to hire a tutor, which we don’t have the money to do, then there is no way to be sure he’ll even do the work with a tutor and it could be money down the drain. Do we just let him fail while keeping any privileges here at a minimum? At some point he will figure out that the person he is harming is himself, right? I read your article. We have no school counselor to consult. His teachers give homework but short of walking into each classroom with him each day I have no way of making sure he brings it home. I also can’t sit with him in class to make sure he pays any attention or does his work. It’s like he doesn’t believe us when we, or anyone else, tell him that this is harming his future life. Please help if you can.

Hi Cat, This could have been written by me! Has the situation improved one year on? I am at wits end. Like you I’ve tried everything. Please help.

I think this is often a good time to seek advice of a school guidance counselor. fortunately, if you don’t have that option, there are a number of excellent reading resources from well qualified professionals. By far the best I have found is Parents in Highschooland by Karyn Rashoff. http://highschooland.com/ The advice and ideas offered in this book really opened my eyes to a lot of ways that I could get involved to encourage and support my kids though high school. A must-read for parents of high school teens in my eyes.

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I Hate Myself for Not Doing My Homework

Reader’s Question

I’m in high school and would consider myself to have above average intellect. Still, I’m getting Ds and Es in school.

I seem to do well on all of the tests, but when I get home from school and I have to do my homework, I just can’t make myself do it. My teachers ask me why I don’t do my homework and I tell them I just don’t care anymore. But in reality I do care — I hate myself for not doing the work. Still, when I get home from school I just can’t make myself do the work. Then, when I get my report card, I look at the grades and just cry myself to sleep. I want to do better but I just can’t seem to make myself work harder. Is this just me being lazy or is there something more?

Psychologist’s Reply

Because there could be so many underlying reasons for your quandary, it’s not possible to make an accurate assessment from such a distance. That’s why it would be in your and your family’s best interest to seek out an evaluation by a mental health professional experienced in such issues.

Some of the possible reasons for your difficulties can include:

The aforementioned are just a few of the many possible explanations for your difficulties other than pure laziness. Your problems might be related to some very different causes other than a deficiency of character. My best suggestion: talk openly with your parents and school counselor about your concerns, and seek a professional opinion about the best ways to address the issues.

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A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math  really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious  pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected .  Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it.  It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

• Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
• Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you?  If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
• Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

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October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

April 14, 2016 at 9:52 am

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August 2, 2016 at 3:46 am

The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

October 31, 2018 at 1:07 am

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November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

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January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

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February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

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Is Homework Good for Kids? Here’s What the Research Says

A s kids return to school, debate is heating up once again over how they should spend their time after they leave the classroom for the day.

The no-homework policy of a second-grade teacher in Texas went viral last week , earning praise from parents across the country who lament the heavy workload often assigned to young students. Brandy Young told parents she would not formally assign any homework this year, asking students instead to eat dinner with their families, play outside and go to bed early.

But the question of how much work children should be doing outside of school remains controversial, and plenty of parents take issue with no-homework policies, worried their kids are losing a potential academic advantage. Here’s what you need to know:

For decades, the homework standard has been a “10-minute rule,” which recommends a daily maximum of 10 minutes of homework per grade level. Second graders, for example, should do about 20 minutes of homework each night. High school seniors should complete about two hours of homework each night. The National PTA and the National Education Association both support that guideline.

But some schools have begun to give their youngest students a break. A Massachusetts elementary school has announced a no-homework pilot program for the coming school year, lengthening the school day by two hours to provide more in-class instruction. “We really want kids to go home at 4 o’clock, tired. We want their brain to be tired,” Kelly Elementary School Principal Jackie Glasheen said in an interview with a local TV station . “We want them to enjoy their families. We want them to go to soccer practice or football practice, and we want them to go to bed. And that’s it.”

A New York City public elementary school implemented a similar policy last year, eliminating traditional homework assignments in favor of family time. The change was quickly met with outrage from some parents, though it earned support from other education leaders.

New solutions and approaches to homework differ by community, and these local debates are complicated by the fact that even education experts disagree about what’s best for kids.

The research

The most comprehensive research on homework to date comes from a 2006 meta-analysis by Duke University psychology professor Harris Cooper, who found evidence of a positive correlation between homework and student achievement, meaning students who did homework performed better in school. The correlation was stronger for older students—in seventh through 12th grade—than for those in younger grades, for whom there was a weak relationship between homework and performance.

Cooper’s analysis focused on how homework impacts academic achievement—test scores, for example. His report noted that homework is also thought to improve study habits, attitudes toward school, self-discipline, inquisitiveness and independent problem solving skills. On the other hand, some studies he examined showed that homework can cause physical and emotional fatigue, fuel negative attitudes about learning and limit leisure time for children. At the end of his analysis, Cooper recommended further study of such potential effects of homework.

Despite the weak correlation between homework and performance for young children, Cooper argues that a small amount of homework is useful for all students. Second-graders should not be doing two hours of homework each night, he said, but they also shouldn’t be doing no homework.

Not all education experts agree entirely with Cooper’s assessment.

Cathy Vatterott, an education professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, supports the “10-minute rule” as a maximum, but she thinks there is not sufficient proof that homework is helpful for students in elementary school.

“Correlation is not causation,” she said. “Does homework cause achievement, or do high achievers do more homework?”

Vatterott, the author of Rethinking Homework: Best Practices That Support Diverse Needs , thinks there should be more emphasis on improving the quality of homework tasks, and she supports efforts to eliminate homework for younger kids.

“I have no concerns about students not starting homework until fourth grade or fifth grade,” she said, noting that while the debate over homework will undoubtedly continue, she has noticed a trend toward limiting, if not eliminating, homework in elementary school.

The issue has been debated for decades. A TIME cover in 1999 read: “Too much homework! How it’s hurting our kids, and what parents should do about it.” The accompanying story noted that the launch of Sputnik in 1957 led to a push for better math and science education in the U.S. The ensuing pressure to be competitive on a global scale, plus the increasingly demanding college admissions process, fueled the practice of assigning homework.

“The complaints are cyclical, and we’re in the part of the cycle now where the concern is for too much,” Cooper said. “You can go back to the 1970s, when you’ll find there were concerns that there was too little, when we were concerned about our global competitiveness.”

Cooper acknowledged that some students really are bringing home too much homework, and their parents are right to be concerned.

“A good way to think about homework is the way you think about medications or dietary supplements,” he said. “If you take too little, they’ll have no effect. If you take too much, they can kill you. If you take the right amount, you’ll get better.”

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• The Reintroduction of Kamala Harris
• Long COVID Looks Different in Kids
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Write to Katie Reilly at [email protected]

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How To Handle A Student Who Doesn’t Do Homework?

If you’ve been teaching for any length of time, you know that there are students who don’t do their homework.

This is not always a sign of laziness, apathy, or lack of interest in the subject matter. It may just be that they didn’t understand the assignment and/or were too busy to complete it.

Regardless of the reason, these students will need some extra attention and guidance if you want them to succeed academically.

A personal touch is usually the best approach. In other words, don’t hesitate to talk to your students face-to-face about their homework problems. They will appreciate your interest and show a willingness to improve because you care enough about them as an individual to find a solution.

I hope this article helps you manage your students who don’t do homework!

Why Some Students Don’t Do Their Homework?

1) what’s the point  .

Sometimes, students simply don’t see a point in doing their homework. This may be because the subject is boring, or monotonous – or it could be because it’s impossible to comprehend. Ensuring that students have a solid understanding of the material before moving on to the next topic will help eliminate this issue. In addition, if you find yourself instructing something that lacks value, it may be time to rethink your approach.

2) Too Many Homework Assignments  

This is often the most common issue students face. Teachers who fail to recognize that their students are carrying too much of a workload can create unbearable conditions that lead to laziness and failure.  If you’re finding yourself sending home a large amount of work every night, you should strongly consider revising your approach. It’s much better to focus on a small number of assignments and ensure they’re completed correctly, rather than overwhelming students with too many tasks.

3) Lack of Self-Motivation  

Many students don’t do their homework because they lack motivation and self-discipline. In situations such as these, it’s important to remember that you can’t force a student to complete their work – but there are ways for you to motivate them. The key is making the endeavor rewarding and worth their time – this could be through rewards or points systems.

4) Intellectual Disability  

5) lack of parental involvement  .

Sometimes, parents fail to support their child’s education. This lack of involvement can significantly affect the student, who may then find it difficult to complete homework tasks without parental guidance. You should give students enough space to do their work, but you should also be supportive in helping them when they need help.

6) Poor Planning   

7) illness   .

When students become ill, they may struggle to control their behavior and focus on homework. If your class falls victim to a bug, you should allow individuals to take the necessary time off without anxiety or pressure. The same goes for injuries – any situations where students are bedridden should be handled with appropriate care.

8) Bad Timing  

Sometimes, students don’t do their homework due to bad timing. This could be because they’ve only just returned home from school and haven’t had enough time to rest. It’s important that you give your students ample time to unwind before starting any work, so they can retain their focus.

9) Distractions at Home   

Modern homes contain a multitude of distractions that can affect the way students work. In addition to these, students may also have distracted siblings or relatives – making it hard for them to concentrate on tasks given by the teacher. You should always provide plenty of space and seclusion when working on academic tasks.

10) The Task is Too Challenging   

11) poorly organized  .

Similar to planning issues, poorly organized students can struggle when it comes to completing their homework. You should work closely with your students to ensure they have the best tools for completing assignments.

12) Disinterest  

How should handle students who don’t do their homework.

For a new teacher, handling a student who doesn’t do their homework can be a difficult task. It could throw off the rest of your lesson plans that you have been working on all day or week. You have to find a way to deal with it without showing favoritism and giving out punishments for those who don’t complete their work.

This can be a very delicate situation especially if several children don’t complete their homework.

1. Let them know the importance of doing their work

2. give them a warning.

Giving out a simple warning would be an ideal approach when handling students who have not completed their work. This means letting them know of any consequences or possible punishments that can be given if they do not complete their homework.

3. Let them know what your role is as a teacher

Another very effective way to deal with students who don’t do their work is by informing them of what the teacher’s role is in the classroom. By explaining this, you are letting them know that you are not responsible for their education. You are there to help them when needed and direct them in the right direction.

4. Give students who don’t do their work another opportunity

5. give consequences for students who don’t complete their work.

The most common consequence that you can give out when a student does not do their schoolwork is giving them detention or some other form of punishment. This can be a difficult thing to do because you have to find a way of disciplining students without jeopardizing your relationship with students or other teachers.

6. Have the parent call the student’s teacher

7. talk to the student after class or during lunch, 8. give student work to another classmate.

Another successful way of handling students who don’t do their work is to give them school work that is given to other students. For example, you can give out extra credit questions or assignments that are completed by other students if they do not complete their work.

9. Make an announcement about the homework policy

10. make sure homework is not repeatedly an issue, final thought.

It can be frustrating when students don’t do their homework. There are a variety of approaches for handling this issue, but the most important thing is to identify what will work best with your personality and teaching style. In this blog post, we’ve provided ten different ways you can address students who consistently turn in incomplete schoolwork or neglect it altogether. Don’t forget that it may take some time before you find out which approach works best for both you and your students! Check out more articles here.

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Homework Struggles May Not Be a Behavior Problem

Exploring some options to understand and help..

Posted August 2, 2022 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

• What Is Anxiety?
• Take our Generalized Anxiety Disorder Test
• Find a therapist to overcome anxiety
• Mental health challenges and neurodevelopmental differences directly affect children's ability to do homework.
• Understanding what difficulties are getting in the way—beyond the usual explanation of a behavior problem—is key.
• Sleep and mental health needs can take priority over homework completion.

Chelsea was in 10th grade the first time I told her directly to stop doing her homework and get some sleep. I had been working with her since she was in middle school, treating her anxiety disorder. She deeply feared disappointing anyone—especially her teachers—and spent hours trying to finish homework perfectly. The more tired and anxious she got, the harder it got for her to finish the assignments.

One night Chelsea called me in despair, feeling hopeless. She was exhausted and couldn’t think straight. She felt like a failure and that she was a burden to everyone because she couldn’t finish her homework.

She was shocked when I told her that my prescription for her was to go to sleep now—not to figure out how to finish her work. I told her to leave her homework incomplete and go to sleep. We briefly discussed how we would figure it out the next day, with her mom and her teachers. At that moment, it clicked for her that it was futile to keep working—because nothing was getting done.

This was an inflection point for her awareness of when she was emotionally over-cooked and when she needed to stop and take a break or get some sleep. We repeated versions of this phone call several times over the course of her high school and college years, but she got much better at being able to do this for herself most of the time.

When Mental Health Symptoms Interfere with Homework

Kids with mental health or neurodevelopmental challenges often struggle mightily with homework. Challenges can come up in every step of the homework process, including, but not limited to:

• Remembering and tracking assignments and materials
• Getting the mental energy/organization to start homework
• Filtering distractions enough to persist with assignments
• Understanding unspoken or implied parts of the homework
• Remembering to bring finished homework to class
• Being in class long enough to know the material
• Tolerating the fear of not knowing or failing
• Not giving up the assignment because of a panic attack
• Tolerating frustration—such as not understanding—without emotional dysregulation
• Being able to ask for help—from a peer or a teacher and not being afraid to reach out

This list is hardly comprehensive. ADHD , autism spectrum disorder, social anxiety , generalized anxiety, panic disorder, depression , dysregulation, and a range of other neurodevelopmental and mental health challenges cause numerous learning differences and symptoms that can specifically and frequently interfere with getting homework done.

The Usual Diagnosis for Homework Problems is "Not Trying Hard Enough"

Unfortunately, when kids frequently struggle to meet homework demands, teachers and parents typically default to one explanation of the problem: The child is making a choice not to do their homework. That is the default “diagnosis” in classrooms and living rooms. And once this framework is drawn, the student is often seen as not trying hard enough, disrespectful, manipulative, or just plain lazy.

The fundamental disconnect here is that the diagnosis of homework struggles as a behavioral choice is, in fact, only one explanation, while there are so many other diagnoses and differences that impair children's ability to consistently do their homework. If we are trying to create solutions based on only one understanding of the problem, the solutions will not work. More devastatingly, the wrong solutions can worsen the child’s mental health and their long-term engagement with school and learning.

To be clear, we aren’t talking about children who sometimes struggle with or skip homework—kids who can change and adapt their behaviors and patterns in response to the outcomes of that struggle. For this discussion, we are talking about children with mental health and/or neurodevelopmental symptoms and challenges that create chronic difficulties with meeting homework demands.

How Can You Help a Child Who Struggles with Homework?

How can you help your child who is struggling to meet homework demands because of their ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD , school avoidance, or any other neurodevelopmental or mental health differences? Let’s break this down into two broad areas—things you can do at home, and things you can do in communication with the school.

Helping at Home

The following suggestions for managing school demands at home can feel counterintuitive to parents—because we usually focus on helping our kids to complete their tasks. But mental health needs jump the line ahead of task completion. And starting at home will be key to developing an idea of what needs to change at school.

• Set an end time in the evening after which no more homework will be attempted. Kids need time to decompress and they need sleep—and pushing homework too close to or past bedtime doesn’t serve their educational needs. Even if your child hasn’t been able to approach the homework at all, even if they have avoided and argued the whole evening, it is still important for everyone to have a predictable time to shut down the whole process.
• If there are arguments almost every night about homework, if your child isn’t starting homework or finishing it, reframe it from failure into information. It’s data to put into problem-solving. We need to consider other possible explanations besides “behavioral choice” when trying to understand the problem and create effective solutions. What problems are getting in the way of our child’s meeting homework demands that their peers are meeting most of the time?
• Try not to argue about homework. If you can check your own anxiety and frustration, it can be more productive to ally with your child and be curious with them. Kids usually can’t tell you a clear “why” but maybe they can tell you how they are feeling and what they are thinking. And if your child can’t talk about it or just keeps saying “I don't know,” try not to push. Come back another time. Rushing, forcing, yelling, and threatening will predictably not help kids do homework.

Helping at School

The second area to explore when your neurodiverse child struggles frequently with homework is building communication and connections with school and teachers. Some places to focus on include the following.

• Label your child’s diagnoses and break down specific symptoms for the teachers and school team. Nonjudgmental, but specific language is essential for teachers to understand your child’s struggles. Breaking their challenges down into the problems specific to homework can help with building solutions. As your child gets older, help them identify their difficulties and communicate them to teachers.
• Let teachers and the school team know that your child’s mental health needs—including sleep—take priority over finishing homework. If your child is always struggling to complete homework and get enough sleep, or if completing homework is leading to emotional meltdowns every night, adjusting their homework demands will be more successful than continuing to push them into sleep deprivation or meltdowns.
• Request a child study team evaluation to determine if your child qualifies for services under special education law such as an IEP, or accommodations through section 504—and be sure that homework adjustments are included in any plan. Or if such a plan is already in place, be clear that modification of homework expectations needs to be part of it.

The Long-Term Story

I still work with Chelsea and she recently mentioned how those conversations so many years ago are still part of how she approaches work tasks or other demands that are spiking her anxiety when she finds herself in a vortex of distress. She stops what she is doing and prioritizes reducing her anxiety—whether it’s a break during her day or an ending to the task for the evening. She sees that this is crucial to managing her anxiety in her life and still succeeding at what she is doing.

Task completion at all costs is not a solution for kids with emotional needs. Her story (and the story of many of my patients) make this crystal clear.

Candida Fink, M.D. , is board certified in child/adolescent and general psychiatry. She practices in New York and has co-authored two books— The Ups and Downs of Raising a Bipolar Child and Bipolar Disorder for Dummies.

• Find a Therapist
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Sticking up for yourself is no easy task. But there are concrete skills you can use to hone your assertiveness and advocate for yourself.

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Daniel Wong

11 Excuses for Not Doing Homework (And How to Stop Making Them)

Updated on August 6, 2024 By Daniel Wong 6 Comments

If you’re like many students, you’d rather take a nap, talk to your friends online, or play video games.

As you already know, finding reasons not to do your homework will prevent you from succeeding in school .

I’m sure you want to do well in school, and homework is definitely a part of that process.

In this article, I’ll go over 11 of the most common excuses for not doing homework and offer solutions to ensure that you stay engaged in school.

But first, make sure to download your free quick action guide…

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Excuse #1: You lack the required knowledge

Let your parents and teacher know if you’re taking a class and feel as if you lack the necessary skills or knowledge to complete the homework.

Ask your teacher for extra guidance so you don’t fall too far behind. See if your parents can find the time to help you, or you can look for a tutor.

Your teachers are there to help you develop the skills you need to do well in their classes.

You’re not alone in feeling that you lack the necessary skills, so don’t be too embarrassed to ask for assistance. You might even find some great study buddies who feel the same way.

Excuse #2: You lack confidence

Many students compare themselves to their peers, which can lead to a lack of confidence. When that happens, it’s easy to make excuses for not doing the homework.

But here’s what you need to know…

Everyone lacks confidence about something.

You might be good at math but need extra help with English. Perhaps you excel at geography but find biology confusing.

Give yourself a break.

If you lack confidence in your ability to learn a particular subject, get the support you need. Your teachers, parents, and even friends will help you out and give you a needed morale boost.

Excuse #3: Your home life is too hectic

The excuses for submitting assignments late are numerous, but one that I hear often is that it’s too busy or noisy at home to focus.

Finding a quiet space and using earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones can help reduce distractions. This will make it easier for you to finish your homework.

If that doesn’t work, try finding an alternative location to do your work, like the library or a friend’s house.

You can also talk to your parents about it. They might not even be aware of all the interruptions that are preventing you from completing your schoolwork.

Excuse #4: You don’t know where to start

Feeling anxious and overwhelmed are often the main reasons that cause students to not know where to start on their homework.

If you ever feel this way, here’s what I suggest you do:

• Take a deep breath.
• Create a space where you can get organised.
• Make a list of all your assignments and deadlines.
• Work on one assignment at a time.
• Start with an easy assignment to get a quick win, or tackle the most challenging assignment to get it out of the way.

Excuse #5: You have poor study habits

Many students develop bad study habits over their years in school.

Not everyone learns the same way or at the same pace. As such, every student will have different study habits. If what you’re doing isn’t working, try a different approach.

If you’re trying to do your homework as soon as you get home from school but can’t focus, try having a snack and taking a power nap before getting to work instead.

If you’re staying up too late studying, set a rule for yourself that you’ll start doing your homework within one hour of getting home.

Establish a routine where you do your work at roughly the same time each day. Developing routines like this will improve your study habits , which will make you a more effective student.

Excuse #6: School isn’t important to you

A common misconception is that school isn’t important, that what you learn won’t be relevant once you leave school.

This isn’t completely true.

Of course, the education system can be improved. But the knowledge you acquire in school will help you to understand and appreciate the world better.

And the process of becoming a more effective student will lead you to develop traits like self-discipline and responsibility. These are the types of traits you’ll need in order to find success at any stage of life!

Excuse #7: You’re overloaded with after-school activities

I know it can be tough to balance schoolwork and extracurricular activities.

Maybe you’re on a sports team or you spend several hours each week volunteering.

Finding the right balance to ensure you have enough time for homework can be challenging.

When too many afterschool activities get in the way of completing your assignments on time, it’s time to review your schedule. Decide how you can prioritise the activities that are the most important.

You may need to put some activities on hold until you’re consistently staying on top of your schoolwork.

Speak with your coach, teachers, or parents about the ideas they have to help you manage your schedule more effectively.

Excuse #8: Studying is boring for you

If you find that doing your homework is uninteresting, it may be time for you to change your point of view.

I always encourage students to cultivate a growth mindset . This is a mindset where you focus more on the learning process instead of on getting good grades.

Rather than seeing a particular subject as boring, develop a sense of wonder. Decide that you’re going to be intellectually curious, and you’ll discover that we live in a fascinating world.

And while you’re on that journey, remember that the students who succeed in school find ways to get the work done even when they find the subject boring.

For example, if you don’t like math, consider that it isn’t just about numbers – it’s a way of thinking.

Reframing how you think about a subject will enable you to see it as more interesting. In turn, you’ll become a better student over time.

Excuse #9: Your teachers assign too much homework

Sometimes, it may seem like your teachers assign more homework than you can keep up with. You might even believe that what you’re required to do is unreasonable.

If you find yourself in this situation, take a moment to think about everything else you’re doing.

Are you managing your time well?

Are you struggling with a particular class?

Do you use memory techniques to enable you to learn faster ?

Instead of allowing homework to overwhelm you, try talking to your teacher, tutor, or parents to figure out the best way forward for you.

Excuse #10: You already have so much overdue homework

Procrastinating on your homework can lead to a significant pile-up of assignments. This will affect your confidence in being able to complete them.

What’s more, once you get a set of new assignments, you probably won’t know how to do them because you didn’t do the previous assignments.

This creates a vicious cycle where you tell yourself that there’s no point in completing your newly assigned homework because you still have the old ones to do.

When this happens, the likelihood of completing any of the work decreases.

If you’re in this situation, set a reasonable goal of keeping up with all the newly assigned homework while completing, say, one overdue assignment a day, or one overdue assignment every two days.

Excuse #11: You don’t believe you can get good grades

If you hate school, there’s a chance that it’s because you feel the pressure to be a straight-A student .

Here’s the good news: You don’t need to be perfect. After all, there’s no such thing as a perfect student.

But you do have to put in the effort and get the work done. The rest will then fall into place.

If you’re doing your best, you’re doing great! Celebrate your progress and keep moving forward.

Take it one step at a time, and don’t worry too much about what grades you’re getting at the moment.

In closing…

There are many possible reasons for you not to finish your homework.

No matter what those reasons are, it’s important to know that the people around you want to help you succeed.

From teachers to parents to coaches, you have a support network to provide solutions to almost any obstacle you face.

Identify the excuses listed in this article that are relevant to your situation, and apply the suggested solutions.

If you do that, you’ll become a better and happier student who makes far fewer excuses related to homework!

July 7, 2022 at 12:13 pm

Thank you so much for this article. These were the problems I was struggling with. Now that i know the solutions to it ,I’m sure I’ll do better than before.

July 7, 2022 at 1:05 pm

You’re very welcome.

July 7, 2022 at 6:20 pm

I pray that may Almighty God grant you long life, more knowledge, sound health, rest of mind, wealth and happiness, so that you can witness your good impact in this World 🌍. GOD has made you a useful tool for every students and parents that is actually seeking success.

July 7, 2022 at 7:42 pm

Thank you, God bless you too!

July 27, 2022 at 9:29 pm

Thank you so much for this. I have found a couple of solutions for excuses I’ve made in the past. I needed this.

July 27, 2022 at 9:42 pm

You’re welcome.

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Effective Discipline Strategies for Tweens

Typical tween behavior, common tween challenges.

• Discipline Strategies

Preventing Future Problems

• Improving Communication

As your child enters the tween years, new behaviors and developmental stages will require new discipline strategies. Effective discipline balances your child's need for greater independence with reasonable age-appropriate rules and boundaries to keep them safe. With one foot in childhood and another in adolescence, the behaviors that require discipline are also likely to shift.

“This is a time of immense psychological and physiological change and as such, we see evidence of emerging maturity mixed with flashes of temper that seem younger,” says Joanna Fortune, MICP, MIFPP, CTTS , a UK-based clinical psychotherapist and attachment specialist.

Parenting adolescents comes with some ups and downs, but with open communication and a willingness to learn and grow, parents and tweens can truly enjoy this exciting stage of the child's development.

Parents / Emily Roberts

You'll likely notice many behaviors in your tween that are common for their age group. Your tween will likely have replaced baby talk with  back talk  and exchanged pint-sized temper tantrums with sulking. Tweens face a variety of issues, ranging from hormonal changes and physical growth to social pressure and increased academic work.

It’s also common for tweens to spend more time with friends rather than family. Don’t be too surprised when your 10-year-old wants to spend the night at their friend’s house instead of having pizza and watching a movie with you.

“Our tweens are experimenting with who and how they are, and they are looking toward their peer group more for validation and approval,” explains Dr. Fortune, who is also the author of the “15 Minute Parenting” books. 

Other Common Tween Behavior

Tweens typically exhibit the following behaviors:

• Fluctuating self-esteem 
• Increasing awareness of how others perceive them
• Preference to spend time with friends over family
• Increased awareness of their academic abilities
• Self-consciousness surrounding their developing bodies

The tween stage, which includes children aged 10, 11, and 12, is not without its challenges. Tweens are trying to fit in, look cool, and appear grown-up. Many of them start cursing in an attempt to sound older (or to impress their friends).

They also may become angry over seemingly small things. A bad test grade, an argument with a friend , a rough day on the ball field, or a request to clean a bedroom might set them off. Anger may lead to yelling, sulking, or slamming doors.

“A tween is going to question your decisions and might even sound like they know better,” says Aliza Pressman , PhD, a professor of pediatrics and psychologist at Mount Sinai Kravis Children’s Hospital in New York City.

While this pushback is often frustrating for parents and caregivers, it is also developmentally appropriate. Challenging tween behaviors can include: 

• Questioning and challenging authority
• Becoming argumentative and seeking out loopholes in your rules 
• Misbehaving to fit in and impress friends
• Thinking they’re able to do everything on their own

Tween Discipline Strategies That Work

It’s important to make sure your discipline strategies match your child’s needs. When your child breaks the rules or misbehaves, use approaches that will teach them to make better choices in the future. You can try a handful of effective methods, such as the following:

Engage in problem-solving

Parenting strategies need to adapt and grow in line with your child’s development. That means rather than simply telling your tween what to do (which might have worked when they were younger), it’s far more effective to problem-solve alongside them.

Point out a problem and ask for their input. If your child weighs in on the possible solutions, they’ll likely be more motivated to improve their behavior.

Use natural consequences

Your child’s reasoning and problem-solving skills become more advanced around this age, so many tweens think they’re able to do everything on their own. While it might fly in the face of your parental instincts, it’s important to step aside and let your tween make some of their own choices (and mistakes), provided it’s safe for them to do so. 

“We need to now afford them more opportunity to make choices, try new things, attempt to work it out before we jump in to rescue,” says Dr. Fortune. This means allowing your child to face the natural consequences of their behavior—good or bad. So, rather than remind them repeatedly to pack their snack for school, let them forget it one day. Missing out on a snack might help them remember to pack a snack the next time.

Discipline vs. Punishment

Parents often equate punishment with discipline. However, punishments for 10-, 11-, and 12-year-olds focus on inflicting distress or suffering in response to misbehavior, while discipline teaches tweens responsibility and how to make better choices in the future.

Rethink the reward system

For some tweens, a simple reward system can be key to helping your child stay motivated. However, it's not always an effective discipline strategy for children at this developmental stage.

This is because tweens want to feel respected and more grown-up. Instead of a reward system, your child might be more receptive to having their behavior modified through conversation.

“It is important that we afford them opportunities to ​self-correct their behavior by reminding them of our expectations,” says Dr. Fortune. “[You could say something like], ‘I think you have forgotten how we speak to each other in this family, would you like to try that again?’ If they do it appropriately the second time, praise them and move on.” 

Create a behavior contract

If a grown-up conversation just isn't going to cut it with your tween (or they aren't quite ready for that level of maturity), consider introducing a behavior contract. A behavior contract is a step up from a rewards system and it outlines what your child needs to do to earn and keep extra privileges.

For example, if they want a smartphone , explain how they could show you when they're ready for that responsibility. Write down the behaviors you’d need to see from them, such as getting their chores done on time and putting away their other electronics without arguing.

Teach them autonomy

Your tween's brain is undergoing some big developmental changes and their desire for independence is kicking in. As a parent, knowing when to take a step back can be challenging. “It can be a confusing time for both parent and child as they seem ready for independence in one moment and not at all ready another moment,” says Dr. Fortune. 

You can encourage your tween’s desire for independence by finding safe and comfortable opportunities for them to try things alone. Talk about the rules and your expectations beforehand. Spend some time reviewing how they might handle specific problems that could arise.

Once your child shows you what they can handle, you can gradually allow them more independence. “Sometimes it is hard for us parents to make the space they need to grow and develop concerning their world outside of just us,” acknowledges Dr. Fortune. With your guidance, autonomy is something your tween will refine further as they approach adolescence. 

Take away privileges

When your child misbehaves, remove a meaningful privilege. This might be taking away electronics for 24 hours or not allowing them to go to a friend’s house over the weekend. Removing those privileges maintains your authority and sends a message that privileges must be earned.

However, when dishing out the harsh punishments, cast your mind back to how it felt to be disciplined by your parents at this age. "Recall in detail the incident and what happened," says Dr. Fortune. "How did it feel for you at the time and how does it feels now to recall it? How do you wish you had been responded to by your parents and how would that have helped you?" When disciplining your child, let how you wish it had been for you be your starting point.

In addition to responding to the behavior you don't want your tween to repeat, you can encourage good behavior. A few simple strategies may go a long way in preventing behavior problems before they start.

Prioritize connection

Disciplining your child should not come at the expense of your close connection. "Always invest in your emotional connection before you attempt a behavioral correction," says Dr. Fortune. But that doesn't mean that you should be permissive in your approach to discipline.

"You always want to prioritize connection when you’re having discipline conversations," says Dr. Pressman. "Connection and limits, it’s not and/or." An authoritative parenting style , which is being sensitive but with clear boundaries and limits, is associated with safer, healthier outcomes in children.

Avoid labeling your child

Avoid referring to your child as, “the athletic one,” or, “my little artist." Even labels that are meant to be positive can be harmful. As kids grow and mature, their interests and abilities are likely to shift. Labels could cause your child to feel pressured to live up to the labels you placed on them when they were younger.

Explain your expectations ahead of time

Many behavior problems can be prevented by explaining your expectations upfront. So, before your child goes to a movie with a friend or before you drop them off at the town pool, explain your rules. Make it clear what you want to see from them and what you expect them to do if they encounter any trouble.

Talk about the underlying reasons for your rules

Make sure your child knows why you establish your rules. You don’t want them to think, “I have to go to bed early because my mom is mean.” Instead, teach them that they need to get sleep because it’s good for their brain and their body. When they understand the reasons behind your rules, they’ll be more likely to make good choices when you aren’t there to enforce them.

Monitor your child’s day-to-day activities

Although your tween will likely want a lot of freedom, they won’t yet have the decision-making skills to navigate all of life's challenges. It’s important to keep an eye on their activities. Know who they spend time with, where they are going, and what they're doing online.

Give your child some freedom

While keeping a close eye on your kid is necessary, avoid being overprotective or a lawnmower or helicopter parent . Kids need a little freedom to make mistakes and solve problems independently. Giving your child choices now can prevent bigger acts of rebellion later.

Teach anger management skills

Many behavior problems stem from  anger management issues. As adults, we have the full capacity for self-regulation while our tweens will grapple with this into their mid-twenties.

In heated moments, it's your job as a grown-up to calmly take control of the situation. Proactively teach your child how to deal with day-to-day frustrations , such as an unfair call in the soccer game or a last-minute change in plans. "You’re investing in their long-term self-regulation because we know that parents who are more self-regulated have kids who become more self-regulated," says Dr. Pressman.

Make it clear that privileges must be earned

Privileges for your 10-year-old can include things like watching TV, playing on a tablet, and being allowed to go to a friend's home. Only allow your child to have those privileges when they behave responsibly.

Model proper behavior

One of the best ways to teach appropriate behavior to your tween is to model good behavior yourself. By setting the best example you can, you show your child that even when times are tough or when emotions run high, it's possible to disagree with others and still show respect . Changing your own behavior may be difficult, but it's the best way to model the behavior you want to see in your child.

Communication Tips

Talking to a tween can feel like an uphill battle sometimes. Whether your tween insists they know everything or they have nothing to say when you ask about their day , don’t give up. Here are some tips to improve communication with your growing child.

Remind your child of the rules without nagging

Be prepared to have conversations about the household rules and the importance of enforcing them. It’s also imperative to continuously address issues like kindness and respect.

Listen to your child’s opinion

When you show that you value what your tween thinks, they'll start to value their own opinion. That’s important because you want them to be a critical thinker who knows they can make healthy decisions.

Ask open-ended questions

Instead of simply asking if your child has a good day (a yes or no question), ask more open-ended questions to start conversations. You can ask about movie characters, what their friends are doing, and how they feel about current events.

They'll start developing some of their own values and beliefs soon, and many of those might be different from yours. So now is a great time to help them understand why they think the way they do —not simply because that’s what someone told them to think.

Talk about how to gain more freedom

Explain that rules are based on your child’s ability to show you they can handle more responsibility. If they get their homework done and do their chores without a reminder, you may be able to trust them to be more independent.

Give your child some input on the rules

Ask your child what they think of the rules. Doing so allows them to practice expressing their thoughts and ideas in a socially appropriate manner. Just make it clear that the ultimate decision is up to you, and you won’t cave to whining, complaining, or  disrespectful behavior .

Stages of adolescence . American Academy of Pediatrics . 2024.

Friends Are Important: Tips for Parents . American Academy of Pediatrics . 2021.

Behavioral interventions for anger, irritability, and aggression in children and adolescents . J Child Adolesc Psychopharmacol . 2016.

What's the best way to discipline my child? . American Academy of Pediatrics. 2018.

Related Articles

ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...

How to Punish a Teen Who Doesn’t Care About Consequences

Teen punishment is a disciplinary method aimed at correcting teenagers’ misconduct, ranging from grounding and loss of privileges to more severe forms like corporal punishment. However, effectiveness is debated and punishment might foster fear, anger, and resentment rather than teaching positive behavior. Continuous application of punishment can obscure natural consequences, impede cognitive learning, and prompt emotional stress responses, ultimately hindering teenagers from understanding cause-and-effect relationships.

The alternative approach suggests helping teenagers recognize and care about natural consequences. This involves setting clear limits, explaining the reasoning behind rules, and allowing teens to experience the natural results of their actions when safe. Supporting emotional regulation, offering guidance on alternative behaviors, and maintaining a positive relationship are strategies that aim to instill an intrinsic understanding of right and wrong, rather than a fear of punishment.

For teenagers who are out of control, professional help is advised, but in cases of general unruliness, improving the parent-teen relationship is key. Addressing academic underperformance, for example, calls for understanding the underlying issues rather than punishing bad grades, which could exacerbate stress and hinder learning.

Motivating teenagers requires fulfilling their basic psychological needs for relatedness, autonomy, and competence. Addressing amotivation may involve understanding social stresses and offering support. When dealing with lying, fostering an environment of trust and understanding the root causes is more effective than punishment.

Table of Contents

What is teen punishment?

Teen punishment is a disciplinary consequence given to teenagers in response to their misconduct to prevent it from happening again. The consequence often involves subjecting the teen to an adverse experience of physical or emotional pain or withdrawing privileges or possessions that the teen values.

Teen punishment doesn’t have to be applied every time to create an effect. The threat of punishment is often enough to alter a teen’s behavior. The goal is that the teenager will learn to think twice before breaking a rule or acting inappropriately and abandon misbehavior to avoid punishment.

What are the types of teen punishment?

Here are 7 types of teen punishment

• Grounding : Restrict the teen from leaving home or participating in social activities.
• Loss of privileges : Remove certain privileges, such as access to electronic devices, internet, car usage, or family trips.
• Additional work : Assign extra household chores as a form of restitution.
• Reparations : Require the teen to make amends for their behavior, such as apologizing, fixing things they broke, or buying replacements.
• Corporal punishment : Physically punish with spanking.
• Verbal reprimands : Scold or yell at the teen.
• Humiliation : Publicly shame the teen for their inappropriate behavior.

What are good punishments for teens 13-17 year olds?

There are no good punishments for teens because punishments tend to lose effect when used repeatedly. The goal of discipline is to teach teens proper behavior. However, no one likes to learn from someone who constantly punishes or threatens to punish them. Applying negative consequences is not an effective way to teach positive behavior.

Punishment teaches teens to fear the punishment and the punisher. It triggers anger and resentment, diverting teens’ attention from learning prosocial behavior. Even though punishment may work when the child is younger, it tends to stop working as the child grows and learns to ignore the consequences.

Why do you claim that punishment doesn’t work when society relies on it to deter crime?

Punishment for criminals is necessary to protect the public as long as people commit crimes.

The assumption that punishment must be effective because our society depends on it needs to be re-examined. Despite punishment is necessary, its effectiveness is questionable, as evidenced by the overcrowded state of our prisons. Prison operational capacities are between 68.3% and 119% in the United States, according to a study published by the University of Nebraska Omaha using data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics’s Prisoners in 2019 report.

The persistence of crimes, which would not occur if punishment were truly effective, suggests that punishment has not been successful in deterring criminal behavior.

In society, some people do good deeds because they believe it is the right thing to do, while others only refrain from wrongdoing to avoid incarceration. These are two types of people raised with different moral values. As a parent, you must decide what moral principles you wish to instill in your children – an intrinsic sense of right and wrong or fear of punishment.

Why does my child not care about consequences?

Your child most likely doesn’t seem to care about consequences because that’s the best option they feel they have. 

Many reasons could have resulted in this choice.

One possible reason is that constant punishment stops your teen from seeing the natural outcomes. Your teen is too busy fighting with you or dealing with the feelings triggered by the punishment to process the natural repercussions in their mind.

Another potential reason is the chronic stress from the fear of punishment prohibits their learning using their cognition, i.e., “the thinking brain”, according to many scholarly findings, such as a 2016 study published in the European Journal of Neuroscience. 

Normally, areas like the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus help us learn by consciously remembering the details of an experience. However, our brain shifts to rely more on the emotional-based amygdala and dorsal striatum under stress. Over time, this reflexive change weakens cognitive memory while boosting the emotional-based memory system, making it harder for teens to think and learn. Therefore, the more punishment there is, the more the ability to understand cause-and-effect relationships will be diminished.

How to punish a teenager who doesn’t care about consequences

To effectively discipline a teenager who doesn’t care about consequences, help them see the right consequences. The right consequence is something your child genuinely cares about, not something they fear.

Here are 11 steps to discipline a teenager when punishment doesn’t work.

• Teach what “consequence” means : The essence of discipline is to teach children that they will get one type of result if they make one choice and another result if they make another choice. Teenagers make better decisions when they know the actual cause and effect and their options.
• Stop punishing : “Either you do what I tell you to or get punished” does not offer options; it only offers a threat leading to a forced decision. Threats and options carry different meanings and lead to different learning for the child.
• Set limits and explain pros and cons : When setting limits, focus on why the limits are necessary. Explain the different outcomes of different actions, not just the negative outcomes of undesired actions. Understanding why desired actions lead to good outcomes helps teenagers make better decisions.
• Use natural consequences when appropriate : Natural consequences are most effective in teaching when the issue is not health or safety-related. Remind them if they are about to do something that will bring bad consequences. Ask them if they are ready to face the results. If they are adamant about it, let them experience it (e.g., “If you stay up late and cannot wake up for school on time, you may get a detention for being late. Do you accept that?”)
• Use logical consequences for health or safety issues : If health or safety is in imminent danger, take steps to protect. For example, if your teen taunts the dog, take it away. Not being able to play with the dog is the natural consequence of you protecting the child and the dog, not a punishment.
• Stay on their side : After your teen has dealt with the natural consequences, there’s no need to pile on the pressure. Your child probably feels bad enough as it is without you. You don’t need to accept or agree with their action but empathize with their feelings. Support them emotionally to teach emotional regulation so you become a teacher, not an enemy.
• Help them develop emotional regulation : Teens may act out when they are overwhelmed by emotions. Coach them to recognize and name their feelings to help them develop self-regulation.
• Teach them alternative behavior : Your teen may not know how to act otherwise. Help them develop appropriate responses.
• Teach them how to reflect : People make mistakes. The most important thing is to learn from the mistake so it won’t be repeated. Teach your teen how to reflect on their role and prevent future mistakes.
• Repair relationship : People learn better from those they have a positive connection with. If punishment has been your method of motivating your teen, repair the relationship.
• Be a good role model : Walk the walk. If you want your child to be kind to others, they need to receive kindness from you to learn it. If you want your teen to be respectful, treat them with respect.

How can a teenager learn if there is no punishment?

A teenager can learn without punishment because no punishment doesn’t mean there are no consequences. Natural consequences teach teenagers the direct outcomes of their behavior, enabling them to see the actual cause-and-effect relationships. This understanding helps teens develop critical thinking and improve their decision-making.

In addition, no punishment doesn’t mean there is no guidance. You can discipline through patient teaching, explaining, and mentoring. Learning to recognize how their actions affect the outcomes or others is a more powerful lesson than experiencing an unrelated pain inflicted by parents. 

In addition, grasping the impact on others fosters the development of empathy, while punishment only breeds anger and resentment.

Punishment undermines trust, preventing teens from seeking guidance from their parents. Without trust and open communication, teens hide problems rather than seek help and learn from parents.

How to punish a teenager for not listening

To discipline a teenager and have them listen to you, become the person they want to listen to. People tend to care about and listen to those they feel connected to. Having a close parent-child relationship is a prerequisite to a positive connection.

Here are 7 tips for building a good relationship.

• Be kind : Being kind doesn’t mean you let your child walk all over you. You can be kind and firm. State your boundaries while staying kind.
• Be warm, sensitive, and responsive : Responsive parenting helps teens develop secure attachments associated with better teen outcomes. A 2009 intervention study published in the Journal of Adolescence involving 309 parents indicated responsive parenting resulted in reduced reactivity and hostility and better parent-child relationships.
• Make amends : If your relationship has been tense, talk it out and repair the relationship. Talk to your teenager about your use of punishment before and why you change now. Listen to their point of view regarding the new rules. Ask for their cooperation to make this new arrangement work.
• Make rules for their well-being : Rules and limits make more sense when they are set to protect people you care about. A curfew exists for safety reasons, as being out late is risky. Study requirements are in place because education promotes their development and future success. Show that your rules are here to protect your family. Help your teenager understand that rules are created out of love, not a desire to control.
• Plan for mistakes : This new way to discipline isn’t magic that can transform your teen overnight. Your teenager will still make mistakes. Talk to them and plan for what to do when that happens.
• Listen : Be an empathetic listener, and don’t give unsolicited advice. Teens may complain about things, but they don’t necessarily want advice. They are still learning to deal with their developing identity and fluctuating emotions. Give them support and space to sort it out.
• Spend quality time together : It’s more about the quality than the quantity. Given that teens can have mood swings, time dedicated to helping them with emotional regulation is invaluable. This time is not “wasted dealing with moody teens”; it is a good investment in your teen’s emotional health.

How to punish an out-of-control teenager

To deal with a teenager who is completely out of anyone’s control, including themselves, professional help is necessary. Contact a mental health professional, such as a therapist or psychologist, as soon as possible. 

However, if a teenager is only unruly and won’t listen to you , it is more of a relationship problem between you and the teen. Relational problems can only be made worse by punishment.

Here are 5 tips for dealing with a troubled teenager.

• Stop trying to control them : Instead, try to influence them. When you have a good relationship with your teen, you can significantly influence their behavior.
• Find out the underlying reason : Every behavior has a motivation, which is rarely, if ever, a lack of punishment. You can only find a genuine solution when you understand the issue. Punishing indiscriminately as a quick fix doesn’t resolve the root cause. Rather, engage in calm conversations with them, reach out to their teachers for insights into school-related problems, seek advice from other parents for hints, and pay close attention to their behaviors and emotional state to gather additional information.
• Improve your relationship : Follow the steps above to improve your relationship with your teen so they will be more likely to listen to you.
• Teach patiently : Show your love through your patient guidance.
• Seek professional help : Consult your child’s pediatrician or a psychologist for help.

How to punish a teen for bad grades in school

Punishment makes a teen feel bad about failing in school, but it doesn’t help them get good grades because the stress from punishment prevents them from focusing and learning effectively.

Here are tips on how to help a teenager with bad grades .

• Open communication : Express your concern and explain to your teen why their education matters. Education is about their development and future. Help them understand the importance of studying and the potential consequences of poor academic performance in a calm and supportive way.
• Struggling to grasp the material – need tutoring.
• Finding the subject boring – need help in developing motivation for kids.
• Not having enough time to study – need time management help.
• Feeling distracted in class – evaluation for ADHD may be necessary.
• Difficulty hearing the teacher – screening for hearing issues is recommended.
• Trouble seeing the board – vision testing is advised.
• Experiencing bullying – support for ensuring safety at school.
• Conflict with friends – need to learn conflict resolution.
• Feeling depressed – professional medical consultation.
• Collaborate on a solution : Work together to develop a plan to address the identified problems.
• Offer support and resources : Provide your teen with tools and assistance to implement the solution. This may include tutoring, study skills workshops, time management techniques, or professional help for mental health or learning difficulties.
• Monitor progress : Regularly check in with your teen to ensure they follow the plan. Offer support and encouragement.
• Nurture your relationship : Prioritize maintaining a strong, positive relationship with your teenager. Show them you are there to support and guide them, not to control or criticize them.

Should I punish my teen for bad grades?

No, don’t punish your teen for bad grades. Punishment does not help your child identify or solve the underlying problem. Helping your teen improve their grades is a collaborative effort that requires patience, understanding, and open communication.

How to motivate a teenager who doesn’t care

The three universal psychological needs that can lead to intrinsic motivation in teenagers are relatedness, autonomy, and competence, according to the Self-Determination Theory (SDT), formulated by Edward Deci (Edward L. Deci) and Richard Ryan (Richard M. Ryan).

• Relatedness is feeling connected to others, cared for, and caring for others. 
• Autonomy is being self-directing and having the freedom to make their own choices. 
• Competence is feeling effective and experiencing achievement.

Strive to provide these three elements to motivate teens. Here are some examples of motivating through fulfilling these basic psychological needs.

• Improve your relationship : When your teen feels connected with and close to you, they listen to you more and care about what you care about.
• Give autonomy : Become an autonomy-supportive parent by providing space and freedom for them to work at their own pace.
• Help them build competence : Help your teen find activities they enjoy and become good at to build a sense of mastery and self-sufficiency.

How to motivate a teenager who doesn’t want to do anything

To motivate a teenager who seems uninterested in doing anything , address the underlying issues that affect their motivation. Social stress from peer pressure, pubertal changes, peer rejection, and victimization can contribute to a teenager’s lack of motivation. Parents can support their teenagers by allowing autonomy, lending a sympathetic ear, monitoring their social circle non-intrusively, and tackling problems in their learning environment, such as issues with teachers or bullying.

By addressing the underlying issues and allowing teenagers to control their lives within reasonable boundaries, they are more likely to become motivated to engage in everyday activities.

However, if you suspect depression is the cause of amotivation, seek help from your child’s physician immediately.

How to punish a teenager for lying

Dealing with a teenager’s lying involves understanding the root cause and fostering an environment of mutual trust rather than imposing harsh punishments. Here are 7 tips on effectively handling lying by teens.

• Do not punish, as lying to avoid punishment is a natural self-preservation instinct. To prevent your teen from lying, eliminate this incentive for them to do so.
• Call out the lie calmly, avoiding accusatory tones to prevent further dishonesty.
• Identify the underlying reasons to prevent more lying. If there is no punishment, explore other factors driving their lies, such as the desire for autonomy, fear of disappointing others, peer pressure, or the need to protect their privacy.
• Redefine boundaries to align with the teenager’s growing need for autonomy. Review family rules and parental authority.
• Support the teenager’s autonomy by treating them with respect and acknowledging their feelings and needs to reduce the likelihood of lying.
• Strengthen the parent-child relationship, as a positive relationship decreases the tendency for teenagers to lie.
• Seek professional help if lying is associated with deeper issues such as mental health problems or risky behaviors.

Do you have kids?

Yes, I (the author) am blessed with a wonderful daughter. When readers come across my parenting advice, they commonly assume I don’t have children. However, I personally apply all the techniques discussed in my work. They are tried and true strategies. My daughter does well in school, and I’ve never received negative feedback from her teachers.

Are you just lucky and have an easy kid?

No, I wouldn’t say I’m particularly lucky, and my kid is far from easy. She threw so many tantrums in her toddler years that they motivated me to extensively research the topic and eventually write a book about managing toddler tantrums.

Through my child development studies, I’ve gained a deeper understanding and appreciation for the natural progression of a child’s growth . I have become significantly more patient with my daughter. Her occasional slip-ups don’t bother me because they are a natural part of development. 

Rather than focusing on the mistakes, I emphasize the learning opportunities they provide. What matters is that when my child makes a mistake, she learns from the experience and makes an effort to avoid repeating it.

My daughter’s positive behavior is not a matter of luck but a collective effort to create a supportive home environment. It’s about patience, a commitment to understanding child development and encouraging learning from life’s inevitable challenges.

References For How To Punish a Teen

• 1. . State Prison Overcrowding and Capacity Data. UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA OMAHA. Published March 2024. https://doi.org/https://www.unomaha.edu/college-of-public-affairs-and-community-service/governing/stories/state-prison-overcrowding-and-capacity-data.php
• 2. Schwabe L. Memory under stress: from single systems to network changes. Bolam P, ed. Eur J of Neuroscience . Published online November 25, 2016:478-489. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/ejn.13478
• 3. Moretti MM, Obsuth I. Effectiveness of an attachment‐focused manualized intervention for parents of teens at risk for aggressive behaviour: The Connect Program. Journal of Adolescence . Published online September 18, 2009:1347-1357. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2009.07.013

Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for medical concerns.

Home / Expert Articles / Parenting Strategies & Techniques / Consequences & Rewards

“Why Don’t Consequences Work for My Teen?” Here’s Why…and How to Fix It

By megan devine, lcpc.

If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task.

If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.

“You can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior.”

Rather, an effective consequence should encourage your child to change their behavior — whether that is abiding by the house rules or treating people respectfully. So first, you need to identify the behavior you want to change.

For example, if your child swears when they don’t get their way, you want them to behave more appropriately. Instead of grounding or punishing , or even reasoning with your child when they get angry and lash out, an effective consequence here would require your child to practice better behavior – and improve their self-control – for a period of time before their normal privileges are restored.

Let’s break this down according to The Total Transformation Program :

• Effective consequences are connected to the original behavior and are both task- and time-specific.
• “Connected to the original behavior” means that your consequence needs to be related to the behavior you want to see your child change or improve.
• “Task-specific” means that there is something your child needs to accomplish or practice related to the original problem. This is a concrete behavior, like washing the dishes, meeting curfew, or not swearing.
• “Time specific” means there is a specific amount of time in which they needs to demonstrate that behavior.

So, when your child swears, they might lose access to their electronics until they can go without swearing for two hours. The consequence is tied to the behavior. They swore, so they have to practice not swearing. This consequence is task-specific – it requires them to exercise the part of their brain that governs self-control. If they want their stuff back, they have to practice better behavior. And it’s time-specific – they need to demonstrate self-control for two hours. Only then are they free to have their privileges back.

It’s important to understand that you can’t get your child not to feel angry or frustrated. That’s just part of being human. But you can require that they change the way they deal with those feelings. You can expect them to practice some self-control. Your goal is to require that your child practice the better behavior for a certain amount of time before they get their privileges back. So practice and behavioral improvement equals the restoration of privileges.

If they yell about their consequence, or how unfair it is, you can say:

“I understand that you’re angry. Yelling is not going to get you what you want. Once you’ve been able to deal with your anger appropriately for two hours, you will get your electronics back.”

Do not continue to explain your consequences or justify your decisions. They may mumble to themselves or text their friends about how awful you are, and it may take some time, but eventually, your child will decide to practice those skills that earn back their electronics.

How to Choose a Consequence

Think of it this way: a privilege is a motivator. The withdrawal or granting of a privilege should give your child an incentive to follow the rules of your house, even when they don’t agree with those rules.

An effective consequence is a privilege your child is interested in. For some kids, video games are a powerful motivator, while other kids could care less about them. Taking away a cell phone for two hours works for some kids while others would just find another way to communicate.

In order to choose the right privilege to use as a consequence, you have to know your child. What are their interests? What would really impact them if they lost it for a short period of time? Some parents tell us that using the blanket term “all electronics” works better than just saying “no video games,” which can make kids turn to YouTube as a distraction.

Remember, the right privilege should be an activity that your child will actually miss. Withhold that privilege until your child completes the task you’ve set for them.

James Lehman suggests that you sit down with your child and come up with a list of privileges and consequences together. The advantage here is that you are working as a team to solve the problem. It can help you identify things or activities your child truly values. It also clarifies what the consequences will be for certain infractions—for everyone involved. Not only will your child know what will happen if they break a certain rule, but the parents don’t have to spend time coming up with something in the heat of the moment.

What If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to Care What You Use as a Consequence?

Many parents call the Empowering Parents parent coaching team , saying that their kid doesn’t seem to care what they take away. One dad said to me in exasperation,

“Even though my daughter lives to text, she acts like she could care less when her phone is taken away. Nothing works with her!”

Some kids appear not to care what activity you restrict; they pretend they didn’t want to do it anyway.

But look at it this way: would your child really want you to know that they care about the consequence you’re giving them? Would they reveal their reaction to you and let you know you got to them? That would make it seem like you have power over them, and they aren’t about to concede on that one.

So some kids, like the teenage girl above, feign indifference when you remove a privilege. If you’ve watched your child and know that what you’re taking away really does impact them, don’t worry about whether or not they seem suitably upset at the loss of it. Give the consequence time to work.

What If the Consequences Still Aren’t Working?

So what if you know you’ve chosen a valuable privilege and your consequences still aren’t working? The key here is to take a look at the length of time privileges are removed. Is it too long? Does your child lose interest in what you’ve taken away (the “out of sight, out of mind” dilemma)? Is the time frame so long that your child can’t possibly be successful (no swearing for a whole month)?

Remember, your goal is to create better behavior in your child, and the consequence/privilege needs to encourage that improvement by being time-specific. If you truly want your child to improve their behavior, you need to create an environment in which your child can succeed. The time span of your consequence is important – it should be long enough that your child has to stretch their skills and short enough that you have a good chance of seeing improvement.

In summary, to be effective, a consequence needs to be short-term, task-specific, and involve a privilege your child values. Your goal here is to produce a child who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities, and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. Your consequences and privileges help get them there.

Be Persistent and Consistent

One last word of advice: parents often want to see their child’s behavior improve overnight. If you are faced with a child who behaves inappropriately under stress, your consequences should require them to practice and get better. Don’t expect perfection immediately. Like any new skill, better behavior takes practice.

When implementing a new consequence, you can expect some failure. You can expect that you may need to restart a couple of times. In the beginning, you may find that your child behaves inappropriately every day and has their privileges removed often. That doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong consequence. It simply means your child needs time to practice better skills. And they need you to be consistent and to keep them practicing.

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Megan Devine, LCPC

Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com , where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.

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Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. We wouldn't recommend using Prom or other special events as a consequence, as Sarah Bean explains in this article: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/8-parental-rules-for-prom-night-should-you-ever-take-away-prom/. Taking away things like prom, birthday celebrations, or Christmas tends to cause a lot of resentment and very little behavior change. A more productive approach would be having her return the stolen merchandise and take accountability that way. For more information on effective consequences, you can check out these articles: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/consequences-rewards/

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

My son is 14,grade8, hehas the attitude of not caring, following no rules, never doing what I ask, unless I nagg continuously, he is a grade leader representative, but his marks are dismall, I have grounded, taken his games, now the phone because he is failing Maths, says he never has homework and rarely studies. I am a single Mom, after separating due to a very toxic marriage that I couldn't "fix", I am at the point of letting him go live with his Dad, who is an alcoholic or putting him in a boarding school,I don't know what to do, and it makes me feel that I am his problem.I suggested a councilor but he is not very open to that. I can let him go live with my brother, but that would make me feel even more like I failed as his Mom and protector. Pls help with any advice.

He is very strong willed, intelligent and waisting away, my concern is, it is like he is oblivious to the effect it has on me emotionally and also our household, as he has a 7year old sister that is always caught in our arguments, I feel I am failing him, no matter what I do, it's not working.

Any advice would be appreciated

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. 14 can be a tough age and the behaviors you describe are not uncommon for teens. Many parents I speak to as a parenting coach have shared similar stories, so you are not alone. It will be most productive to focus on just one or two behaviors at a time - trying to address too many things at once can be overwhelming, for both the parent and the child. You may find this article helpful when trying to decide what your next step will be:https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.

We are having a on going issues with my 14 F step daughter stealing from especially me, but it is also he younger brother and dad. Everyone has there own personal belongings, even bathroom products. The stealing has gotten so bad I have a closet with all my items locked up we don't want her to take. My husband thought he closed the door open this morning to the closet, but he is not sure or she took my keys and opened it not sure ( which she done in the past), but she was in it. She took hair ties, if it is unlocked

she can't help herself. It doesn't matter what we do, we have ground her for it, made her do chores to pay it back & ( ground her), striped her room down to bare essentials for two weeks. What she takes is anywhere from hair products to toothbrush mainly, occasions clothes, and underwear. We supply her with her own personal bathroom products so instead of asking for new shampoo because she is low, she just takes mine. Takes toothbrush and puts them back. This has been going on for about two years, we have tired counselors, nothing seems to work. Her brother doesn't behave this way, either he is fairly respectful of other people things.

Thank you for reaching to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I can hear how distressed you are with your teen daughter's behavior and choices. It can be tough to know how to hold your child accountable when it seems like they don't care about anything and their behavior keeps getting worse. Janet Lehman wrote an excellent article about how to get control back in these types of situations. You can find that article here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/scared-of-your-defiant-child-learn-how-to-get-back-your-parental-control/. Another article you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-who-ignore-consequences-10-ways-to-make-them-stick/.

My son is 13 years old and resides in My Home primarily, but I spend time at his other parents house on a regular basis. He spends the night there every Thursday & also on alternating weekends (Thursday after school thru Monday drop off at school).

Both households have very different expectations and rules - and, the other parent refuses to communicate about anything whatsoever.

He rarely touches his homework while he is at his other parent’s house, and spends most of his time, playing video games and messing around online. When he returns home, he constantly has a ton of make up work and it negatively impacts our whole household because he is constantly doing homework here. He plays the Xbox, watches, YouTube, and messes around online pretty much the entire time he is there, and neglects the things that he knows he needs to do.

How do I hold him accountable? The other challenge is that when a punishment is necessary that the other parent will not enforce anything at the other home. So if we take away the Xbox or Internet privileges, I don’t think it really bothers him when he knows he gets to go spend several days away doing what he would like to do online.

Do you have any advice on how to implement effective consequences for his behavior that cannot be undermined by the reprieves that he spends away? Quite frankly, I feel like I am being punished for him not behaving over there because he’s constantly doing everything to make up here and it’s just unpleasant.

If I didn’t bother helping him to catch up when he returns home after each visit, he’s likely be failing all of his classes. I want to teach him that it’s important to finish the tasks that he is assigned, regardless of who’s house he is at, & that he’s capable of doing what he knows he should. Do you have any advice?

My daughter is doing things like stealing my car, sneaking out in the middle of the night, having sex, has d’s and f’s on her report card, lying, manipulating, fighting with family members constantly, it is just always something with her. i just planned a beach trip for just she and i because i have other kids and don’t get much one on one time with her that she craves so we went. while there, she was constantly disrespecting my 75 year old grandmother and grandfather, my cousin and the friend. i decided leaving was best so that everyone’s vacation wouldn’t be ruined and instead of just packing and getting in the car, she damaged the hotel, starting screaming and throwing things and took off running screaming at the top of her lungs to call the police and acted like i was abusing her. the police came and almost took me to jail(i was in handcuffs in the cop car) until they got the story from everyone and realized that this is a repeat thing she does to try and get her way.

when we got home i took all electronics like phone, ipad, mac book, apple watch/pencil, etc. only to find out she found where i hid them & got her phone back herself. she has no respect for anyone!!!

what do i do?

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your daughter right now. I can understand both your concern and your frustration. It will be most productive to focus on one behavior or area of concern at a time. Because it can be difficult sometimes to figure out what behavior to start with, I often suggest parents make a list of all the behaviors they are seeing and focus on the most difficult behavior first. Carole Banks discusses this in her article, "My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?" How To Coach Your Child Forward as well. This will help you to start developing a culture of accountability in your home.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents Community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

Our 21 year old lives with us at home, and he makes promises and does not keep them. He needed to send his resume to us and some other paperwork and promises to do it but doesn't follow through.

We have talked to him and nothing changes, he has social anxiety and it takes him a while to adjust to new situations. We don't understand how to help him? Please advise.

CUL4 Thank you , all for sharing. I have a Teenager daughter who nothing works for. She won't attend school, therapy and punishment of any kind doesn't work.she just leaves. I block her path and she jumps out the window. Nothing works.. but reading your questions helps me not feel More alone. Thank you

My 11 years old daughter has anger issue lately. when she can't get what she wants especially electronics talks loud and with too much pressure.

i also don't know what activity to substitute if I limit the electronic time. She is not interested in reading books, playing her instrument ....

please advise me

I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand how upsetting your son's behaviors are and can hear how distressing it is for you. I'm glad to hear both of your children are in therapy. Loss of a parent can be be especially hard on adolescents and teens, even if their outward behavior may not show that. I encourage you to check in with your son's therapist about this and follow his recommendations on consequences.

Thank you for checking on and sharing your story.

Mother of a teenage boy My 15yr old son in the last 3 months has done some concerning things such as take my mother’s car to the shop (no license), and got caught bunking school and also vaping. I’m at a loss what to do I have taken his phone from him and the next More thing is touch rugby which he loves. My question is touch rugby has given him confidence will I be making the situation worse if I take it away from him ?

It's just not possible for a parent to take a cellphone or laptop or computer from a child, who is taller/bigger than parent. I was following the advice in this article (several times) and we always end up "wrestling". A teen kid will not just hand you his cellphone, he will not let you easily pick up his laptop, etc. What to do then?

How to make them do their schoolwork/homework also not clear to me, because they just will not do it.I tried to convince him, I tried to offer extra time on computer,I was promissing to buy something,etc ,he still will not do it. Please advise.

You bring up an excellent point. WE would not recommend getting into any sort of physical power struggle with your child trying to make them hand over the device. You might instead turn off service to the device or turn off the Wi-Fi. You may find this article on fail proof consequences helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/odd-kids-consequences-that-work-on-oppositional-defiant-rebellious-children/

Thank you for reaching out.

Consequences-You day to take something away for a short time and have them work towards it.

My son is the size of a man.

My son has gone into depression and laid on his bed for days without anything.

My son has ran away for days at a time.

My son would prefer to be kicked out of school.

I have called the police about my son. They have done NOTHING and the advice given was get into therapy and a parenting program.

My son won’t attend therapy.

Parenting programs say “have consequences, follow through, take things away!”

Help please.

Deb W. I try taking away phones, videos game, tv etc for my not listening or being angry nothing seems to help. they don't care about things being taken away from them. Do you have another consequence I can try? I try sending them to their rooms. It did nothing. More I try making them sitting on timeout chair nothing seems to bother them. Help!

Lisa my Daughter when she is very upset and we take away something sometimes she physically trys to keep that object(usually some type of electronics) like making us grab for it; or just flat out refusing to hand it over? I have found myself wrestling with her(to her outward amusement) for More the device..how do I proceed here?

Our son was a straight A child. Never had trouble in school. Seemed effortless. He started 6 grade middle school in August, he almost failed 3 classes. The rest are A’s. At first I thought he was just overwhelmed with all of the teachers and assignments. Having to be accountable but now I feel like no matter how much we try to help, and how much we take away. He just zones out, like it’s no big deal that he is failing. He isn’t doing his homework. We ask him right after school daily, he looks you’d traight in the eyes and says “no homework”

So we can actually see 2 of his class assignments online but the rest you can’t. So we got 2 of the grades up but he isn’t taking notes and again, his work isn’t getting done. I have tried so many things. I feel lost and helpless. Any ideas?

Passedmylimit I have 18 year old daughter.very good hearted goes to school with good grades and works. Downfall..even though she was warned she sneaks out the house takes grandpa's car ..thinks she can come and go as she pleases and smokes pot..she doesn't even deny it or try to cover up More the smell.after the last warning of curfew I was out at 4 am looking for her ..argumnents with my husband over this behavior when she finally answered her phone I made her return home pack her belongings and find a place to live where she can do what she wanted. She found a friend that came and got her and has been out since.i feel so awful and empty for this but she was warned multiple times that this would happen. I have taken her off our phone plan and she will be paying that herself. She was not paying rent and chores where done half way. I also have an 11 year old that sees this.i will not have her believe that this behavior is ok. Did i do the right thing? Or did I do more damage.please help!

That you don't want to punish your child.

But apply consequences from a power point of view by withholding things that they prefer sounds to me liking punishing.

Sitting together to think about working consequences doesn't seems to sounds to me liking working like a team.

If your child doesn't come up or agree with a consequence what do you do than.

Let it go our use your hierarchical advances to force them in choosing.

I think for testing if your way of parenting is reasonable you can do the following. If your team lead at work will do the same things to do as you do to your child would you like that, would you agree, would you stay or would you do differently. If you say you would to differently then you may need to rethink your parenting style at home.

Jens My wife does exactly what you recommend with our teenage son, who has been diagnosed with both ADHD and autism, and the only result is escalation, threats of violence, or violent behavior. As a stepfather, my wife does not allow me to interfere.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach Thank you for your question. This is a common scenario we hear from many parents, so you are not alone in experiencing this. We do not recommend trying to physically wrestle away devices from kids, mainly because it causes things to escalate even more and increases the chances More that someone might get hurt as you described. Instead, it tends to be more effective to set a clear limit (such as, “Your phone needs to be on the kitchen table in 2 minutes. If not, there will be additional consequences”), and walk away to allow things to cool down. If your child refuses to hand over electronics, it’s going to be more effective to focus on where you have control, which is over yourself and your own responses. Sara Bean outlines some options in her article, 4 Steps to Managing Your Child’s Screen Time . Please be sure to let us know if you have additional questions. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you have faced with your son, and I’m glad that you are here reaching out for support. Many parents feel frustrated with their child’s attitude, so you are not alone. The truth is, trying to make your son “care” or improve More his attitude is likely to be frustrating, because he is ultimately the one in charge of how he feels about a given situation. It’s going to be more effective to focus on meeting his responsibilities and following the rules, regardless of how he might feel about a given situation. In addition, I recommend starting with one concrete behavior, such as following directions the first time, rather than a broad concept like respect. You can find more information and tips in “My Child’s Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?” How to Coach Your Child Forward . I hope that you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your son. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I hear how concerned you are about your niece’s behavior. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside More of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, support groups, kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Suzie Perth It's been months since my last post. 

Our 16 year old daughter's life has been turned upside down since she left home in September last year. She is now staying with the older boyfriend and his father. (both the boy and his father have a mental illness). They have isolated her from her family. 

The school had believed what my daughter had told them and that's why they helped her, however as soon as she was supposedly classified as an independent adult and started receiving benefits from the government (Up to $650 a fortnight), she stopped going to school. The school refused to tell us anything. Whether she was attending school. How she was doing. This drove our family into despair. Once the school psychologist came back from long service leave, he straightened everything out with the school staff as we had been in contact with him for years and knew how we were struggling with her. Then we learnt that she hadn't been attending school so we tried getting her to go back. My husband went around to where she was staying and she promised to go back and she never did. He was going there almost daily as she doesn't want to give us her mobile phone number. 

We've tried stopping the payments she is receiving because she does not qualify to receive the payments. You need to be attending school or working in order to receive the payments, however the government youth worker decided not to stop the payments which we felt is not teaching our daughter to be honest and it certainly wont encourage her to go back to school. She did badly in the last exams. 

She admitted before she left home that her friends were drinking and taking drugs. The father of the boy wont answer our calls as he said he's not responsible for her. He did advertise to the school and other people that she had lost her virginity in his home. We have limited contact with her via skype. 

She has been an aggressive person and asked us if she had always been like that at home as other people are telling her she is aggressive. Yes, we had to put up with a lot. Our 11 year old twins are much happier now that she is gone and are reluctant to have her back home as she was always mean to them. 

Last week we found some very suggestive photos she placed on the internet and I asked her immediately to remove them as she is not allowed to post that on the internet due to child protection laws. She hasn't removed them. She has gone right down and lost all self respect. She sees me as being the person to blame for everything that's gone wrong in her life as she cannot accept responsibility for what she has done. The rudeness we get from her has just slowly pushed us all away from her as she has nothing nice to say. We were told by many people and professionals to stop all contact, as it is not of any benefit. We were having 1 skype message every week sometimes every 2 weeks. We are to wait till she hits rock bottom and she asks for help. 

We NEVER realised that parenting would be as emotionally challenging and as difficult as this as my husband and I were not rebellious. 

On a good note, our 11 year old twins are learning from this and said they will not behave as she has, when they get to that age. We have to focus on our twins and try and move on, which is not easy as I think of her ALL the time, which is wrong as I should be more focused on our children at home.. Our marriage is stronger than before, as we've worked together on trying to parent our troubled daughter. She will hopefully learn from her mistakes and we know it's going to take a very long time to mend our relationship with her. Unfortunately things will never go back to what they were before mixing with the wrong group of people. The desire for her to be accepted by her peers outweighed the values she once had.

It has been good reading and knowing, we are not alone and that so many people are having problems with their children. We have felt really embarrassed, ashamed, very hurt, by what our daughter has done but we've had  to put that behind us and move on or else we'll always be unhappy. This is just a point in ones life and this is our turning point, to move on and let her get on with her life knowing that we've done the best we could.

Jamid1 This has been a huge help for me. I read the suggested article along with some others on this website. I have learned to be firm but not argumentative with my son. I try to give him a minute to spout out all his frustrations verbally without interrupting and when More hes done simply remind him that I asked him to do whatever discipline and that's it. If he continues to be combative I simply tell him to go to his room and cool off and then I walk away. I also had a candid conversation with him after the above incident. I told him that I would not hesitate to call the police in order to protect myself as well as protect him from doing something he would regret. Though he was initially very upset that I would "call the cops" I think it helped him realize how unruly his behavior really was. We agreed that we would both try to be less combative and that if I asked him to go to his room he would simply do so to take a few minutes to cool off before we continue our conversation. Thank you so much!

Poppy234 ADHD parent I try saying OK its your choice, you can give up your phone now for 15 minutes or when you are asleep I will take it and you lose it for 2 hours tomorrow. Or similar. They still get mad though. Also when you have the phone for More 2 hours, they can shorten that time by doing chores. I have to keep stressing that it is HER choice not mine, it is within her power to get her phone back more quickly. She may still have kept the phone on this occasion but eventually may make the choice to give it up as its less hassle in the long run.

Poppy234 @Family With our daughter more sleep helps so much with temper outbursts. Try tracking how cross he is and matching with how much sleep he has. So we lie with her and rub her back, it helps to make sure she gets to sleep not too late.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Frustrated mom2017 I hear you.  It can be so frustrating when your child not only refuses to follow directions, but also lies about it.  Although it’s normal to feel angry and upset upon discovering this, I encourage you to do your besthttps://www.empoweringparents.com/article/disrespectful-child-behavior-dont-take-it-personally/.  Chances are that her choices are not directed More at you, but are instead a reflection of poor problem-solving skills.  It sounds like your daughter is already receiving a natural consequence at school of a poor grades for the performance on her math test, as well as refusing to do the corrections.  It could be useful at this point to have a conversation with her about what happened, and what she will do differently moving forward in her math class as outlined in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-you-should-let-your-child-fail-the-benefits-of-natural-consequences/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

Poppy234 Frustrated mom2017 This is hard. So there is the maths grade and the lying. I would ask her why she didn't want to do the corrections. Is she struggling? Does she need extra help outside school? Can you sit with her while she does them? If she is being lazy, More then either try keeping the iPod only until she does the corrections. If she is overworked forget punishment but take her out somewhere after she does them, perhaps she thinks she works too hard, perhaps she is stressed and has too much on her plate. The lying I would be concerned about and would make sure I had time with her each night to chat. See what worries her. Rub her feet or whatever she likes to get close to her. Find out what annoys her about you and don't stand up for yourself. Try a conversation journal where you talk to each other, nothing negative in it from you, ask her questions in it. I think all kids lie from time to time and we need to minimise it by staying close.

My daughter is 9 (so pre-teen) but I still need help with a consequence. Around 5:15am this morning she took my Iphone off my nightstand and brought it in her room to look at her friend's parent's profile pages on my Facebook app. She broke multiple rules by doing this! According to this article what would a good consequence be? No tv or electronics (which she does care about) until she learns not to steal or invade my privacy? I need help. Something more specific. Thanks to all

-preteen mom

Poppy234 Preteen mom In addition to consequences I would put a password on the phone or fingerprint ID, it could be too big a temptation for her ongoing and it would be kinder to take it off the agenda.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Preteen mom Many parents struggle with effective consequences, regardless of the age of their child, so you are not alone.  I’m glad that you’re here, reaching out for support.  Part of addressing this with your daughter will be discussing what happened, and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/about what she could have done differently instead More of taking your phone without permission.  Instead of taking away TV or electronics until she learns to respect boundaries or refrain from stealing, it could be more effective in this situation to talk about how she can make it up to you, and “right the wrong” she committed by not respecting your boundaries.  You can suspend electronics until this amends is complete.  Janet Lehman offers more tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your daughter.  Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Krist4711 We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story.  I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you and your family are facing with your niece. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions More we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues.  The http://www.211.org is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

SLParker @Stephan  We all want what's best for our kids and as adults we have the life experience and wisdom to know what we could or should have done different. At 17 its time to start picking and choosing your battles with the understanding that your son has to fail from More time to time to learn the lesson for himself. His test scores can not be more important to you than they are him that is a recipe for disaster. If two hours is all he wants to contribute to his future well being then explain to him what comes along with that choice. Let him make the choice its time.

I’m so sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter, and I hope

that she returns home safely soon.We

hear from many parents who describe similar frustration that, despite punishing

a child over and over again, the child’s behavior does not improve, or might

even get worse. You are not alone in this situation.Something to keep in mind is that

consequences by themselves do not change behavior, because continuing to take

things away from your daughter is not teaching her what to do differently.You might find some alternate strategies in

our article series https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-1-how-to-coach-your-child-to-better-behavior/

and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-2-making-child-behavior-changes-that-last/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

It’s not uncommon for parents and teens to disagree on the appropriate

amount of studying and preparation required to do well, so you are not

alone.I also want to point out that

learning how to negotiate and advocate for himself appropriately are valuable

life skills for your son to possess, and it’s normal at this stage in his

development to desire more autonomy and independence when making decisions like

this.As pointed out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-rules-and-expectations-but-everyone-else-is-doing-it/, it might be more

effective at this point to help your son learn how to manage his time more

independently.Please be sure to write

back and let us know how things are going with you and your son.Take care.

Thank you for the article. Taking my daughters phone off her for a day when she misbehaves has not been working at all, it makes her even more angry, but I think your ideas make perfect sense and a day is too long. I am going to try this later as there are bound to be insults or pushing about of poor Mum later today! Plenty of scope for trial and error!!! 

It seems to me that as children get older they want to be listened to and loved but not to be given any advice on anything unless specifically asked! And some children don't half dish it out. Even quiet chewing with my mouth closed drives my daughter to distraction. I'm bored with the negativity.

cuddles84 tryed all that the way you said  still does not work.

ExasperatedSingleMum

You bring up an excellent question, what can a parent do

when a child refuses to comply with consequences? I think it can help to know

that it’s not uncommon for kids, especially teens, to push back when given a

consequence. They can refuse to hand over devices, go out with friends even

when they’ve been grounded, and  refuse to do extra chores. For that

reason, it’s important to make sure that the consequences you use are fail

proof consequences – consequences you can follow through with even when

your child refuses to comply. Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner discuss

how to give fail proof consequences in their article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-odd-children-and-teens-how-to-make-consequences-work/. I hope

you find this article helpful. Be sure to check back if you have any further

questions. Take care.

I have been through something simular on and off for years. After serious soul seaching and time. I found I had to let go. It was painful, but instead of trying to control my kids,and ex I focused on what is in my control and my response. I used techniques from the "secret". I used my time differently when I am with my kids and they always know what they mean to me. We have a much better relationship and I get all the hard and personal issues they are afriad to share with anyone else.

I would support what your 13 year old wants, but let them know bashing is not ok and you refuse to lower yourself to thst level. than have a great time with your young one, but invite your older child when possible. Even if your oldest never joins you she will know the door is not closed and she has the choice.

Kids know what is going on and they see all the crap, and odds are they will come around especially if. They know they are loved and forgiven. Maturity has had a huge impact.

You establish your boundries and stick to them. She is 18.... welcome to being an adult. She will grow up and learn she has a strong mum that wont take her disrespect.

Poppy234 still learningmom I think you give really good advice. It seems to me that a lot of parenting of a particularly control adverse child consists of letting go of control. Sometimes boundaries come down to what is legal and safe. Smoking pot and stealing would not be allowed therefore, but More perhaps getting her to abstain from smoking in your house until the birthday party would have been an option. Or getting her to replace missing items before the party? Goodness it's a hard line to walk, we need enormous patience. I would go the line of apologising but when a quiet moment arrives ask her to talk about it, asking her many questions about the situation and refraining from adding much opinion at all.

Dee The same thing happened to me , me ex was also a total narcissist in the clinical sense. I took him to court, representing myself & made a clear plea to the judge to let him know what was going on. He gave me everything I asked for. Good luck

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. “Which Consequence Should I Give My Child or Teen?” How to Create a List of Consequences and Rewards for Children
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My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and con­stant supervision.

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteris­tics of work inhibited students:

• Disorganization
• Lack of follow-through
• Inability to work indepen­dently; more likely to do work when a teacher or par­ent hovers close by
• Lack of focus
• Avoidance of work
• Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
• Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common rea­son for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals to­gether and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework.  Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the mes­sage you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task with­out you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen en­joys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rath­er than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.

School Drillers

10 common excuses students make for not doing homework.

Homework is an integral part of the educational process, designed to reinforce learning, foster discipline, and develop crucial skills such as time management and responsibility. However, despite its importance, students often find themselves grappling with a myriad of reasons to avoid completing assignments. From the classic “the dog ate my homework” to more elaborate justifications, excuses for not doing homework are as diverse as they are creative. In this comprehensive article, we delve into the top 10 common excuses students make for not doing homework, exploring the underlying reasons behind each excuse and providing strategies for educators and parents to address them effectively.

Common Excuses Students Make for Not Doing Homework

1. “i forgot”.

Perhaps one of the most frequently heard excuses, “I forgot” seems innocuous at first glance. However, forgetfulness can signal deeper issues such as poor organizational skills or overwhelming academic workload. Students may struggle to keep track of assignments amidst a plethora of other responsibilities. To combat this excuse, educators can implement strategies such as assignment notebooks, digital reminders, or periodic check-ins to help students stay organized and accountable.

2. “I Didn’t Understand”

When faced with complex assignments or concepts, students may resort to claiming lack of understanding as a reason for not completing homework. This excuse highlights potential gaps in comprehension or ineffective teaching methods. Educators should strive to provide clear instructions, offer additional support through tutoring or peer assistance, and encourage open communication to address any confusion promptly.

3. “It’s Too Hard”

Similar to the previous excuse, citing difficulty as a reason for not doing homework may indicate a need for differentiated instruction or scaffolded learning experiences. Students may feel overwhelmed or intimidated by challenging tasks, leading them to procrastinate or avoid completing assignments altogether. Educators can break down assignments into manageable steps, offer alternative approaches, and provide constructive feedback to build students’ confidence and resilience.

4. “I Didn’t Have Time “

In today’s fast-paced world, students juggle various commitments outside of school, from extracurricular activities to familial responsibilities. While time constraints are a legitimate concern, they should not serve as a perpetual excuse for neglecting homework. Educators and parents can help students prioritize tasks, establish a structured study schedule, and identify opportunities for time management skills development to ensure that homework remains a priority amidst competing demands.

5. “I’ll Do It Later”

Procrastination plagues many students, tempting them to postpone homework until the last minute. This excuse reflects a lack of self-discipline and effective time management strategies. Educators can teach students techniques such as the Pomodoro Technique or task prioritization to combat procrastination and instill a sense of accountability for completing assignments promptly.

6. “My Internet Was Down”

In an increasingly digital age, reliance on technology for completing homework is commonplace. However, technical issues such as internet outages or device malfunctions can disrupt students’ ability to access online resources or submit assignments. To address this excuse, educators can offer alternative offline activities or extensions for affected students while encouraging them to communicate issues promptly to seek assistance.

7. “I’m Not Feeling Well”

Health concerns, whether physical or mental, can impact students’ ability to focus on homework. Chronic illnesses, stress, anxiety, or depression may contribute to frequent absenteeism or decreased productivity. Educators and parents should prioritize students’ well-being, offering support services, accommodations, and flexibility when necessary to ensure that they can manage their health while maintaining academic progress.

8. “I Finished It, but I Left It at Home”

This classic excuse may seem far-fetched, but instances of misplaced or forgotten homework are not uncommon. Disorganization or lack of responsibility may contribute to such incidents. Educators can encourage students to utilize digital platforms for submitting assignments or implement backup submission methods to mitigate the impact of forgetfulness or logistical challenges.

9. “The Assignment Wasn’t Clear”

Miscommunication between educators and students regarding assignment expectations can lead to confusion and frustration. Ambiguous instructions or unclear grading criteria may contribute to students’ reluctance to engage with homework tasks. Educators should strive for clarity in their communication, provide detailed assignment guidelines, and be receptive to questions or requests for clarification to minimize misunderstandings.

10. “I Have Personal Issues”

Students may encounter various personal challenges outside of the classroom that affect their ability to complete homework assignments. Family problems, financial difficulties, or emotional turmoil can significantly impact academic performance. Educators and support staff should cultivate a compassionate and understanding environment, offering resources, referrals, and accommodations to help students navigate personal hardships while maintaining academic engagement.

Excuses students make for not doing homework often serve as red flags, signaling underlying issues that require attention and intervention. By understanding the motivations behind these excuses and implementing targeted strategies to address them, educators and parents can empower students to overcome barriers to academic success and cultivate a culture of responsibility, resilience, and lifelong learning. Through collaboration and support, we can transform excuses into opportunities for growth and achievement in the educational journey.

Also read : 10 tips to help you become a good educator

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Relating: alternatives to academic punishments for missing homework.

• "Alternatives to Penalizing Students for Not Doing Homework" (Originally titled The Problem with Penalties) in an article by a Canadian educator, the ugly truth about homework academic punishments was candidly revealed! Penalties that are administered with little regard to each students individual needs are antiquated and unprofessional, says Canadian educator Myron Dueck in this Educational Leadership article. Whether at home or school, influencing change in human behavior seems to hinge upon four simple rules, which I call the CARE guidelines.

• Here are the author's CARE rules: - C are The penalty must evoke some degree of concern in the learner.

- A im The penalty must align with the ultimate objective.

- R eduction of an undesirable behavior The penalty needs to be effective

• -E mpowerment The young person must have control over the conditions that led to the infraction and be able to understand the situation.

• Report Abusive or Spam Comment  

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Sign up for our free weekly newsletter and receive top education news, lesson ideas, teaching tips and more! No thanks, I don't need to stay current on what works in education! COPYRIGHT 1996-2016 BY EDUCATION WORLD, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYRIGHT 1996 - 2024 BY EDUCATION WORLD, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. SchoolNotes.com The Educator's Network 40 Hour Workweek Share the post. Click above to copy the link. Classroom Management , Equity Resources , Truth for Teachers Collective   |   May 7, 2023 Students not turning in homework? 4 common mistakes to avoid (and what to do instead) By Kim Lepre Homework is typically the bane of students and the Achilles heel of teachers. On the one hand, regular practice outside of the classroom can help students retain information and reinforce learning. On the other, it’s also difficult to motivate students to do the work without coercion or consequences. While the debate over the efficacy of homework continues to rage on, one thing remains clear: there will always be students who seemingly refuse to submit their homework. So how in the WORLD do we get these kids to just DO IT? If you’re struggling to get students to submit work on a regular basis, there may be a problem in your systems that, once fixed, can increase not only the likelihood of your students submitting but also increase their academic success. Here are four common mistakes that teachers make about submitting homework, and what you can do instead. Mistake #1: Not understanding the real reason why students don’t submit homework Before we delve into tactics, it’s important to understand WHY students won’t submit their work. We often chalk it up to laziness, forgetfulness, not paying attention in class or just poor time management. While these can definitely contribute to the problem, the issue often lies much deeper than that. First, fear of failure or overall confusion plagues many of our students. They don’t understand the assignment or concept and lack the motivation or resources to get help. A lot of times, they don’t speak up in class and ask questions for these same reasons, so they’re less likely to practice something that they’re confused about. Also, many of our students are perfectionists and won’t submit work if it’s “not right.” As illogical as it sounds, if they didn’t have time to complete the assignment, they’d rather take the zero and not submit rather than give you incomplete work. Or if it’s not up to their unreasonably high standards, they won’t turn it in. Additionally, general overwhelm and mental health issues such as anxiety and depression definitely play a role for many of our students. Not all parents have been able to address these concerns in their children, and some may be inadvertently exacerbating the symptoms with their own high expectations. If a student simply can’t handle even looking let alone starting your assignment, you definitely won’t get any work from them. Finally, students may just not want to do your assignment because they don’t see the point. As harsh as it sounds, students know when they’re given “busy work.” To them, meaningless packets with 100 of the same problem are not only demoralizing but also a waste of time. So some students may just choose to not do it at all or they may start and eventually give up. Mistake #2: Not setting and maintaining expectations At the beginning of the school year, we’re VERY good about training our students on what our work submission processes are. You may even have a syllabus with these expectations spelled out, assuming that our students and their parents read it. Most of us have a routine set, which works for the majority of the kids. But there are always a few that seem to slip through the cracks due to reasons in the first mistake. Maybe they have an IEP and need more intentional organization. Maybe they fell asleep in class and didn’t hear you give the deadline. Or perhaps they were in the bathroom when you announced it. Either way, we can preach responsibility  and accountability all we want, but if they’re just incapable of doing it on their own, we can decide to help them or let them fall and “learn their lesson.” If we’re unwilling to consistently help these students that struggle with deadlines, then honestly, we have to share the blame. They’re still developing good habits, and what we try to reinforce only goes so far if it’s not reinforced at home. While it’s not our job to parent our students, we can still help with teaching and modeling what the expectations are and give grace when students stumble. Basically, if it’s that important to you that they submit an assignment on time, then don’t assume that all of the students know what to do or how to meet those deadlines. Mistake #3: Utilizing a one-size-fits-all approach to submission As mentioned in the previous two mistakes, there are a lot of reasons why students aren’t submitting their homework. In terms of solving that problem in your class, you have two options: 1) Being frustrated but still letting them suffer the consequences, or 2) working with the students that struggle the most. It may seem unfair to make special accommodations or arrangements for certain students, but that’s like saying it’s unfair that, at 5’1”, I need a stool to reach the top shelf while you may be able to easily stick your hand up there. Does it REALLY matter if we both get what we need from that shelf? Some students may need extra time or personal invitations to submit something. You might even have to modify the assignment for them just so that you have some form of work from which to assess. This can be annoying and time-consuming since you have so many other students to worry about. But if it really bothers you that Jason doesn’t ever turn in his work, and asking or reminding him each time actually results in him turning in something , then ask yourself if it’s worth it. If eight students regularly fail to turn in their homework, investigate what’s holding them up and what you can do to encourage them. Maybe they need an accountability partner. Perhaps you could show and remind them how to set a notification on their phone or device. You could encourage them to use a paper planner to stay more organized. These definitely take more effort, and sometimes the lack of rewards makes it unsatisfying. But often, a student just doesn’t know how to advocate for themselves, and you being persistent can lay the foundation for them to be successful in other classes and in the future. Mistake #4: Not involving parents and other adults Along with the previous mistake, sometimes we forget that we can also deploy the troops, i.e., our students’ parents/guardians. While at times we feel at odds with some parents since they have such a negative perception of teachers and the education system in general, many are willing to do their part if we are explicit about how they can help. It can be scary to send out notices to parents because they sometimes reply with an angry response or something completely unrelated. There have definitely been times when I wished that I hadn’t sent an email at all because I was inundated with responses. But in the case of having students turn in their assignments on time, it just might be worth it. Students don’t necessarily talk to their parents about their work, and if they are experiencing one of the aforementioned reasons why they won’t do work, they’re certainly not going to divulge. So just a simple email with a calendar of deadlines or just a reminder of an upcoming due date would greatly increase the rate of homework submission. For larger assignments, I’ve also explained what is due to parents so that they can help their student double-check that they completed everything. You’d be surprised how many parents want to sit down and help their student, but they don’t understand what’s expected. It does take a bit of time to do this, but with new tools like ChatGPT, you can craft these messages in a matter of seconds. If you’re using an online grading system, they often have the capability for parents to see your grade book and online calendar. If you have this, then taking the time to train parents with a screencast video that you send out will also help them stay on top of their student’s progress. What this means for your policies It might be a bit of a philosophical shift to avoid these mistakes. After all, real change doesn’t happen instantly, especially if you want it to stick. During a time when we’re all trying to master work-life balance, it can seem preposterous to take on what seems like more work. But what’s the cost – both to yourself and your students — if you DON’T do something different? Left to their own devices, students will try to stay under your radar so that they don’t have to do any work, but we both know what the long-term consequences of that are. If they don’t turn in their homework or assignments in general, you can’t assess them, which means they can’t get feedback, which in turn means you have to hope that they’re gleaning SOMETHING from your lectures and class discussions. How will you know if they’re improving in your class if they won’t submit their work? And you’ll continue to be frustrated about your low homework submission rate (if you weren’t frustrated, you wouldn’t have made it this far). Over time, that can leave a bad taste in your mouth and overall disdain for students that seem “lazy and useless.” Morphing into that kind of cynical teacher is not something anyone wants, so ask yourself — is it worth putting in the effort? Sign up to get new Truth for Teachers articles in your inbox Pingback: Sharing Diigo Links and Resources (weekly) | Another EducatorAl Blog Leave a Reply [Cancel reply] Your Name * Your Email * Your Website More resources on this topic By Megan Faherty High School History/Social Studies Jan 4, 2023 8 ways to adjust lessons for student needs WITHOUT planning everything last minute By Angela Watson Founder and Writer May 20, 2014 10 authentic ways to hold students accountable for home reading Feb 9, 2020 Is your “invisible throne” creating power struggles and unnecessary work? Mar 10, 2019 5 syndromes that overcomplicate your teaching—here’s the cure Join our community of educators If you are a teacher who is interested in contributing to the Truth for Teachers website, please click here for more information. Join over 87,000 educators who follow us on Pinterest Join our community of over 160,000 teachers on Facebook Join our brand new community on TikTok X / TWITTER Join over 22,000 teachers who network with us on X / Twitter Join over 23,000 teachers who connect with us on Instagram TEACHERSPAYTEACHERS Join 22,327 educators to learn about new resources Doing Educational Equity Right: The Homework Gap Michael J. Petrilli This is the sixth in a series on doing educational equity right. See the introductory post , as well as ones on school finance , student discipline , advanced education, and school closures . The casual observer might be surprised that there’s much controversy about homework. A common sense, man-on-the-street view would be straightforward: Teachers should assign homework, and students should do it. After all, practice makes perfect, and kids can’t learn without exerting effort. But alas, in this domain, as in others, there is indeed robust debate (and not just among bellyaching students). Some of it springs from “hothouse” schools in upper-middle-class suburbs where parents fret that too much homework is stressing out their sons and daughters . Some of it stems from scholars, who have questioned whether homework actually boosts learning . But much of it comes from concerns about “ the homework gap ”—the longstanding finding that kids from low-income households spend significantly less time on homework than their more advantaged peers. And therefore, some argue , we should limit homework or eliminate it altogether. Figure 1. The high school homework gap: Average hours spent doing homework, by student poverty level, 2019 Source: U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, Parent and Family Involvement in Education Survey of the National Household Education Surveys. (This table was prepared April 2021.) Note: Poor children are those whose family incomes were below the Census Bureau’s poverty threshold in the year prior to data collection. Near-poor children are those whose family incomes ranged from the poverty threshold to 199 percent of the poverty threshold. Nonpoor children are those whose family incomes were at or above 200 percent of the poverty threshold. You won’t be surprised that I disagree. That certainly is no way to “do educational equity right.” Instead of leveling down, Harrison Bergeron style, we should level up. Our goal when it comes to homework should be to get more students to do more of it—at least the valuable, productive kind , which loads of research studies demonstrate is related to increased academic achievement. And that means addressing the barriers that some low-income students face when it comes to doing homework—either at home or at school. The most obvious one relates to technology. Though the “digital divide” has largely been closed, low-income families are still less likely to have high-speed internet access in their homes. And while schools dramatically ramped up their one-to-one laptop initiatives during the pandemic, there are still locales where not all students have access to workable devices. As reported by Education Week , a recent Pew survey found that 22 percent of U.S. teens said they often or sometimes have to do their homework on a cellphone, 12 percent said that “at least sometimes” they are unable to complete homework assignments because they do not have reliable access to a computer or internet connection, and 6 percent said they have to use public Wi-Fi to do their homework “at least sometimes” because they don’t have an internet connection at home. To the extent that schools are assigning homework that must be done online, that’s an issue. Low-income students are also less likely to report having a quiet place to do homework , not surprising given that their homes tend to be smaller and that they often are tasked with taking care of younger siblings. Their parents may also be less capable of helping with homework, given that, within lower-income families, parents and other caregivers are much more likely to have dropped out of high school themselves. But the answer to these challenges can’t be simply to throw up our hands and say it’s unfair to assign homework to kids from low-income families, so we just won’t assign any homework to anyone. It’s to overcome the challenges! That entails addressing the technology gaps, such as by providing laptops or Chromebooks to all students, as well as Wi-Fi hotspots . An even better approach might be to make such technology available at the school, by keeping media centers open and staffed before school, after school, and on the weekends . That turns “homework” into “out of class work”—but the benefits are the same. The marginal costs of keeping public school facilities open longer are minimal, but the benefits could be substantial. If that creates new challenges—for example, providing transportation to students for these “extended learning time” opportunities—then study halls and the like could be built into the regular school day itself. Just make the day longer and adjust the transportation schedule accordingly. Or team up with other community organizations that could provide homework help and quiet environments, from public libraries to Boys & Girls Clubs to churches. None of this is rocket science. Indeed, KIPP charter schools have been doing versions of this for a quarter century—including giving students their teachers’ cell-phone numbers so they can get help with homework at night . That’s because KIPP and other great high-poverty schools have always felt a sense of urgency around helping their students catch up to their more affluent peers. And they’ve always known that means working harder and longer—not just to close the homework gap, but to reverse it. I know what some might be saying: Getting traditional public schools to do things like this is going to be hard. Chromebooks and Wi-Fi hotspots cost money. So does keeping school libraries open after school or on weekends. Not all teachers will be crazy about giving kids access to their phone numbers. All true. But if we care about doing educational equity right, we need to call the bluff of those who want to lower expectations for students’ work and effort “because equity.” Those so-called advocates need to do some of their own homework—and penance—as well. Michael J. Petrilli is president of the Thomas B. Fordham Institute, visiting fellow at Stanford University’s Hoover Institution, and an executive editor of Education Next. This post originally appeared on the Fordham Institute’s Flypaper blog. Last Updated License this Content Latest Issue Summer 2024. Vol. 24, No. 3 We Recommend You Read Doing Educational Equity Right: School Finance The first rule in educational equity is to level up funding for high-poverty schools by Michael J. Petrilli Doing Educational Equity Right: School Discipline It is imperative to help all kids learn to behave well Doing Educational Equity Right: Advanced Education Expand, don’t retreat from high-achievement programs 390 IMAGES Consequences for not doing homework How to Discipline a Child That Will Not Do Homework Best Homework Excuses Murga punishment and Sit Plausible Excuses for Not Doing Homework 10 Reasons Why Students Don’t Do Homework COMMENTS Battles Over Homework: Advice For Parents Ideally, therefore, parents should not make or receive telephone calls during this hour. And when homework is done, there is time for play. Begin with a reasonable, a doable, amount of time set ... My Child Refuses To Do Homework Don't get sucked into arguments with your child about homework. Make it very clear that if they don't do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child: "Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.". What to Do When Teens Refuse to Do Homework or Fail a Class The first step is to ask your teen what is going on. Notice the word ask. That means you don't start the conversation with accusations, yelling, blame, or threats. Instead, enter into the conversation with a sense of curiosity to see if you can help uncover the possible reasons why he or she isn't getting their homework done or passing the ... I Hate Myself for Not Doing My Homework Sometimes, homework is packaged in a manner incompatible with a person's learning style, making the endeavor challenging and sometimes aversive. The aforementioned are just a few of the many possible explanations for your difficulties other than pure laziness. Your problems might be related to some very different causes other than a ... ONLINE PARENTING COACH: Defiant Teens and Homework Refusal: 30 Allow him to go, but with conditions. 13. If your teen is really struggling to complete homework, call or make an appointment to meet his teachers. Get to know them, make them feel comfortable to get in touch with you. This, of course, is something your adolescent isn't going to like, even if she is a good student. Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. ... Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality ... Is Homework Good for Kids? Here's What the Research Says A TIME cover in 1999 read: "Too much homework! How it's hurting our kids, and what parents should do about it.". The accompanying story noted that the launch of Sputnik in 1957 led to a push ... How To Handle A Student Who Doesn't Do Homework? 7. Talk to the student after class or during lunch. If you feel as if it is appropriate, you can talk to the student outside of the classroom setting, during lunch, or after school. This is an approach you can take when dealing with students who continuously do not complete their homework. Homework Struggles May Not Be a Behavior Problem Chelsea was in 10th grade the first time I told her directly to stop doing her homework and get some sleep. I had been working with her since she was in middle school, treating her anxiety ... How to Get Children to Do Homework Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don't do it for them. If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. 11 Excuses for Not Doing Homework (And How to Stop Making Them) Excuse #1: You lack the required knowledge. Let your parents and teacher know if you're taking a class and feel as if you lack the necessary skills or knowledge to complete the homework. Ask your teacher for extra guidance so you don't fall too far behind. See if your parents can find the time to help you, or you can look for a tutor. Tween Discipline: Strategies and Challenges Common Tween Challenges. The tween stage, which includes children aged 10, 11, and 12, is not without its challenges. Tweens are trying to fit in, look cool, and appear grown-up. Many of them ... Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents 4. Communicate regularly with your youngster's educators so that you can deal with any behavior patterns before they become a major problem. 5. Consider adding in break times (e.g., your child might work on her math homework for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break). How to Punish a Teen Who Doesn't Care About Consequences Here are 7 types of teen punishment. Grounding: Restrict the teen from leaving home or participating in social activities. Loss of privileges: Remove certain privileges, such as access to electronic devices, internet, car usage, or family trips. Additional work: Assign extra household chores as a form of restitution. Effective Consequences for Teenagers They swore, so they have to practice not swearing. This consequence is task-specific - it requires them to exercise the part of their brain that governs self-control. If they want their stuff back, they have to practice better behavior. And it's time-specific - they need to demonstrate self-control for two hours. My Teen Won't Do Homework. How Can I Fix This? Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don't lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency. 3. Empower your teenager. Chores are a great way to empower teens. Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. 10 Common Excuses Students Make for Not Doing Homework 2. "I Didn't Understand". When faced with complex assignments or concepts, students may resort to claiming lack of understanding as a reason for not completing homework. This excuse highlights potential gaps in comprehension or ineffective teaching methods. Educators should strive to provide clear instructions, offer additional support ... Relating: Alternatives to Academic Punishments for Missing Homework "Alternatives to Penalizing Students for Not Doing Homework" (Originally titled The Problem with Penalties) in an article by a Canadian educator, the ugly truth about homework academic punishments was candidly revealed! Penalties that are administered with little regard to each students individual needs are antiquated and unprofessional, says Canadian educator Myron Dueck in this Educational ... Students not turning in homework? 4 common mistakes to avoid Mistake #3: Utilizing a one-size-fits-all approach to submission. As mentioned in the previous two mistakes, there are a lot of reasons why students aren't submitting their homework. In terms of solving that problem in your class, you have two options: 1) Being frustrated but still letting them suffer the consequences, or 2) working with the ... How to Help Students Develop the Skills They Need to Complete Homework The effects of homework are mixed. While adolescents across middle and high school have an array of life situations that can make doing homework easier or harder, it's well known that homework magnifies inequity.However, we also know that learning how to manage time and work independently outside of the school day is valuable for lifelong learning. Doing Educational Equity Right: The Homework Gap That certainly is no way to "do educational equity right.". Instead of leveling down, Harrison Bergeron style, we should level up. Our goal when it comes to homework should be to get more students to do more of it—at least the valuable, productive kind, which loads of research studies demonstrate is related to increased academic ... The Pros and Cons of Homework Homework also helps students develop key skills that they'll use throughout their lives: Accountability. Autonomy. Discipline. Time management. Self-direction. Critical thinking. Independent problem-solving. The skills learned in homework can then be applied to other subjects and practical situations in students' daily lives. assignment essay homework paper phd report resume review thesis