25 Groom Speech Jokes That Guarantee Laughs
Guarantee laughs in your groom's speech with these hilariously funny jokes to suit every type of humour
Mark Horton Photos
Traditionally, the purpose of the groom’s speech is to thank everyone who’s helped your wedding come together, on behalf of you and your partner, but you don't want the best man to get all the laughs - and that's where groom speech jokes come in handy!
Peppering in a few groom jokes for a speech will ensure you have the perfect balance between heartfelt and humour, and we have the perfect selection for you to choose from.
Whether you want a funny line about your new in-laws, a bit of gentle ribbing of your new spouse or some self-deprecating grooms speech jokes, you're bound to find some in this roundup.
25 of the Funniest Groom Speech Jokes
Get that balance between humour and sentiment right with a few groom speech jokes and you’ll deliver an unforgettable speech. As well as hilarious groom wedding speech jokes, we’ve also got some great tips at the end for how to come up with original jokes and break the ice in your speech.
1. The Cost of a Wedding
Is it even a groom speech joke without mentioning the cost of the wedding?
“Without all of you here today, it wouldn’t be the same…but it would be cheaper.”
2. First Husband
This groom speech joke is self-deprecating and includes the in-laws.
“I suppose you’ll be expecting a few laughs in this speech. But I know I need to tread carefully. I swear I already heard my parents-in-law going around introducing me as [partner’s] ‘first husband’.”
3. I've Been Told...
Though a little cliche, this one is a classic.
“Good afternoon everyone. I had prepared a superb speech for you today, but unfortunately, now that I am married … I’ve been told to read this one instead.”
4. Oscar Speech
With similar sentiment to the previous joke, this one allows you to elaborate and drag the joke out further. You could follow on with, "And I'd like to thank..."
“Ladies and gentlemen, I had originally intended to just say a few words. But before dinner was served my lovely wife/husband took my speech, rewrote it and left me with this version that’s more fitting for accepting an Oscar.”
5. Never Listens
This joke gives you the chance to get a few laughs, but then lead into how you actually do listen. List sweet and specific things they've said to you to turn this into a really sweet moment.
“My new wife/husband says I never listen, or something like that.”
6. They Deserve a Good Husband
Nothing guarantees laughs more than poking fun at yourself!
“All those among you who know my new wife/husband will know that they’re a wonderful and caring person. They deserve a good husband. Thank God they married me before they found one.”
7. Homage to the Stag
This grooms speech joke allows you to nicely segway into a thank you to your best man and whoever else helped you plan your stag do.
“I feel very fortunate to have married [partner’s name]. None of you will know this, but I’ve actually been congratulated already. ‘Son,’ my father said to me. ‘Well done! You’ll look back on today as the happiest and best thing you’ve ever done.’ Fitting words, I thought, as I set off for my stag do.”
8. For the Love of Flowers
If delivered well, with acting and comedic timing, this grooms joke could get a lot of laughs.
“Before I start, let us observe a few moments’ silence for the countless lilies, roses and carnations that selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding possible.”
9. My Bank Balance
This is another one of those groom speech jokes which pokes fun at the cost of your wedding.
“Now, I know you’re all thinking, ‘Doesn’t he look great in his suit?’ This is actually down to a new fitness regime which includes me doing 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. I should mention none of them have been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot every time I think of my bank balance.”
10. Always Right
This leans heavily into stereotypes, but is a tried and tested grooms speech joke.
“I’ve married Mr/Mrs Right. I just didn’t know his/her first name was 'Always'.”
11. Speech Nerves
If you're nervous about making your speech, make a joke about it! It'll help you relax and loosen up the room.
“I’ve been feeling quite nervous about giving this speech for some time. But I’m pleased to say I slept like a baby last night – I woke up every two hours, crying my eyes out.”
12. The Perfect Husband
What better way to compliment your partner than to reiterate that no one is good enough for them!
“[Partner’s name], you an amazing man/woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.”
13. The Bill
Are there people helping you finance your wedding? If so, use this grooms joke as a way to start your thank yous to them. Get the room laughing and then bring it back to a more serious thank you to everyone who helped.
“Before I begin, please can we ensure that all the aisles and fire exits are kept clear throughout the reception. There’s a medical team waiting outside the building and I’d like them to have a clear run when my in-laws are presented with the final bill.”
14. No Interruptions
Funny - but risky. Ensure if you're making a joke about anyone interrupting you, you know they have the sense of humour to take it.
“I’ve been told that this is usually one of the only times in a man’s life when he can be around his wife and mother-in-law and not be interrupted – so hang in there, I’m going to take full advantage.”
15. Formal Wedding Invitation
If you're keen to include jokes for your grooms speech, but want to keep them light-hearted and not aimed at anyone in particular, this one is super safe.
“I never actually received a formal invitation to the wedding, so I hope I haven’t just eaten a meal meant for someone else.”
16. Price Per Head
If the guests have a good sense of humour between them, you could use this joke before you mention those who were unable to make it. Crack the joke and bring it back with something like, "In all seriousness, we're gutted that X and X couldn't be here today. They would have been more than worth spending £X per head on!"
“The buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
17. Good Judge of Character
This joke doesn't poke fun at anyone and keeps things light and fun.
“When it comes to talking about my wife/husband’s good points, where do I start? They’re intelligent, generous, hard working, popular – and, clearly, a brilliant judge of character.”
18. Wrote This Speech
Here's another light joke to get things started.
“First of all, I’d like to thank [partner] for marrying me. She/he is the most beautiful, intelligent and caring person I know. She/he does everything for me. She/he even wrote this speech.”
19. Sports Teams
Are your family's team rivals with your partner's? This is a great way to include your in-laws without touching on anything too personal.
“I’d like to thank my in-laws for passing on such wonderful traits to their daughter/son; their kindness, their humour, their generosity, though unfortunately an unwavering support for [football team] has also slipped down the genetic line.”
20. Cheeky Best Man
A fun way to hand over your best man.
“I will shortly be handing over to the best man. But unlike many best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendos and inappropriate comments, he has promised me that if there is anything slightly risqué, he will whip it out immediately.”
21. The In-Laws
Got a great relationship with your partner's parents? If so, this is a fun one to break the ice at the start of your speech.
“In [in-law’s names], I have found the perfect in-laws. I always cringe when I hear jokes about difficult mothers-in-law because my own experience has been far from that stereotype. [Turns to in-laws and whisper] Did I read that right? Please don’t hurt me…”
22. Not Missing Much
Another self-deprecating joke to poke fun at yourself.
“I did ask for a microphone but was told there weren’t any available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence at the front should assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.”
23. A Shy Groom
There's nothing wrong with pre-speech nerves - address it and we guarantee you'll feel better immediately.
“I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.”
24. Not as Expensive
If you want an easy laugh, but don't want to joke about the cost of the wedding too much, this grooms speech joke is perfect.
“I just want to say, in front of our families and dearest friends, that I love you and hope that every day will be as happy as today – just not as expensive.”
25. Toastmasters
A wedding related joke? We're big fans of this one!
“I’m not used to public speaking. I only found out today that a toastmaster isn’t actually a kitchen appliance.”
Top Tips For Your Groom Speech Jokes
When it comes to groom jokes for a speech, the delivery and choice of joke are vitally important. These tips will help you nail any groom jokes for a speech!
- Start with a joke to make your audience relax and break the ice – it might have got emotional with the father of the bride speech so it’s the perfect way to lift the room back up before the best man’s speech.
- If you want an easy gag, incorporate a prop during your icebreaker. You could bring out a mop for all the tears you’re going to have to mop up after your emotional speech, or a pillow for all the time you’re going to spend in the doghouse after the best man’s finished his speech.
- Being self-deprecating by comparing yourself with your partner’s celebrity crush will always get a laugh e.g. “I feel like the luckiest man alive. [Partner] has finally give up hope of ending up with Chris Hemsworth and decided an IT guy from Croydon with a McDonald’s addiction and a Ford Fiesta is her perfect guy! Just three months left on the lease! The car, that is…”
- An embarrassing achievement can be a great start to a joke that breaks the ice. “This day will always be the proudest moment of my life. Well, second proudest. Nothing can top when I won the school talent show for…”
- You can get away with focusing on one funny story – such as a story about your first date or what happened when you asked his/her parents for permission to marry them – if it’s good enough.
- Are there any funny contrasts between the two of you? Are you hopeless at DIY while IKEA should be hiring him/her for demos? Do you love a designer shirt while he/she’s a Primark queen? Is one of you crazy for football but the other mixes up Man U and Millwall? Playing off the opposite traits you have, and then all the things you do have in common can be a heartfelt moment in a speech.
- The ushers and bridesmaids are prime for making a funny personal joke about – is one of them famed for how long it takes to do their hair or the 12 layers of fake tan they’ve put on?
- Does your partner have any weird habits or things you tease them over? This is a time to do it lovingly e.g. “I love that you own a teddy bear called Mr Fluffy despite the fact you’re 31. I love that you still break out the dance moves to Steps' 5,6,7,8 every time you’re drunk. I love that you secretly really like to mow the law and will make up excuses for why you need to do it. I love how you continuously book yourself into spin class and then end up ditching them for dinner plans with me instead. I love that you’re not a morning person, but you still wake up 5 minutes early to put the kettle on to make tea for us.”
- Remember that the key elements to your speech need to be the thank yous and a loving tribute to your new partner. Don’t sacrifice these for the sake of a joke.
If you’re looking for examples of brilliant groom speeches that you can use as a template or inspiration for your speech, make sure to check out our library of groom speech examples .
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30 Funny Opening Lines for Wedding Speeches
Handy one-liners to make the guests lol.
If you've read our post on how to make a great best man speech , you'll know that we recommend starting with a joke , and here, we're sharing 30 foolproof examples of funny opening lines for wedding speeches! The beauty of this list is that it works for any wedding speech, whether you're a groom , bride, best man , bridesmaid , groomsman, bridesman, groomsmaid, father of the bride, father of the groom, mother of the bride, mother of the groom, granny or grandad, or just a close pal with a knack for public speaking!
Boasting everything from eye roll-worthy classics to offbeat gags, our round-up of funny opening lines for wedding speeches is sure to have something to suit your personal style, and many of them can be customised to pack an even bigger punch on the day. Kick off with one of these gems, and you'll not only put the audience at ease, you'll set yourself up for a terrific wedding speech!
Note: [Name] can indicate yourself, the bride/groom, the couple as a whole, or another member of the bridal party!
1. “Gosh, what an emotional day it’s been. Even the cake is in tiers!”
2. “Hi everyone! I’m [Name] and it’s time for me to give the speech I frantically scribbled down 15 minutes ago!”
3. "The couple have requested that I don't share any embarrassing stories... so that's it from me! Thanks for listening!"
4. "[Name], I love you so much, and I really hope you'll feel the same about me after you hear my speech."
5. "I just want to start by congratulating [previous speaker's Name] on their wonderful speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it."
6. "The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn't refuse again."
7. "Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history - it's the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!"
8. "[Name] and I share the same sense of humour, so if you don't like my jokes, you can blame them!"
9. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and fortuitous and wonderful that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/photo booth/[Name] wearing a tie ."
10. "Where do I start with [Name]? They're kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming... [directed at them] sorry, I'm having trouble reading your writing, you'll have to tell me the rest later."
11. "I think we can all agree that it's been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech."
12. "Loyal. Kind. Honest. Generous... That's enough about me, I'm here to talk about [Name]!"
13. "I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa."
14. "A few months ago, [Name] called me up and asked, 'What are your feelings on marriage?' I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn't ready to settle down just yet."
15. "Can everyone hear me OK? If you can't hear me in the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing anything."
16. "Hello everyone! I'm [Name]. I'm sure you all know me as (Name's best friend/sister/mum/dad), but if you don't, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!"
17. "Before I begin, I must explain that, this morning, [Name] asked me to remove anything resembling innuendo from my speech. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to go through it again, but if I come across anything risqué, I'll whip it out immediately."
18. "[Name] knows that I'm a bit nervous about this speech, and they gave me some great advice. They said 'Don't try to be too charming, witty or intellectual... just be yourself!'"
19. "All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!"
20. "I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that's relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes - all of your cars have been stolen."
21. "I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I've attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent."
22. "I'd like to start by congratulating [Name] on their excellent taste... in speakers."
23. "Before we start, can everybody do me a favour and get up off their seats? Now can everyone take one step backward, please? Now can everyone move one step to the right? And now can everyone move one step left? Thank you. Someone told me that the key to giving a good speech was to move people, but I think they must have been having me on, because this is going terribly!"
24. "I'm so happy to be overseeing the only five minutes of today that [bride or groom's Name] didn't plan. Only joking, they went over my speech with me at the bar half an hour ago. [Pulls extra page out of pocket] But I did manage to hide one page!"
25. Guys, before I start, just some housekeeping notes, the venue has asked that you don't stand on any of the chairs and tables for my standing ovation."
26 . I sincerely hope that each day of [Insert names] marriage is better than the the one before, the only thing is that also means they'll look back on today, their wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of their lives.
27. I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. You'll be glad to hear, that last night I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours, bawling my eyes out.
28. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom/bride drink alone, could I?
29. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team for [PARTNER] " Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him/her to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight ."
30. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 250 chickens, and the many, many carnations, roses and wedding coordinators who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
Loved these opening lines for wedding speeches? We also have a handy checklist of people you need to remember to thank !
Image credits
Marc lawson photography, via one fab day, see more in:.
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